Randomness!

Ranting and obsessing.

2010-09-23T09:33:00.000+02:00

I've spend the past week (mostly days off, of course), having a cold. Isn't that awesome? Me..I never get sick...never.
And I end up with a cold that pretty much felt like it was about to take me down. I forget how awful it feels to be sick and then when I do get sick like...once a year or whatever, I feel like I'm on the brink of death.
Now, I've called in sick yesterday and today, simply because I didn't feel 100%. Right now...I still don't. My nose is stuffy and my neck is sore, but I still think that I'm gonna go to work tomorrow.
Simply because it drives me a little crazy when I stay home for too long and I start obsessing about things...tiny, little, itty bitty things that should not be that big of a deal.
Like the following.

I become sad when I feel like I'm left out. Even with small things like a headache or whatever. It saddens me that it doesn't seem important enough to tell me...or that I'm not important enough to tell.
I hate it, but it disappoints me to no end, when there's not a message there in the morning. I kinda feel like I just don't matter.
I definitely feel disconnected and I don't think it's just about ATS, either. Maybe it's the age difference setting in?
That scares the crap out of me, to be honest. Mostly because I don't want it to. God, I'm so co-dependent and it bugs the hell out of me.

And I really don't care all that much about Linkin Park, anymore, either. I see all these sites put up interviews and whatnot on Twitter...and I just ignore it and sometimes get a little bit annoyed because I just don't care.
It's not that I don't want to watch the boys being interviewed, but I think that if I hear one more time that ATS is suuuuuuch an amazing album or how awesome the boys are for going out of their comfort zone or whatever, I think I might cry tears of frustration.
People are definitely entitled to their opinion and all and I respect that...but man, it just gets a little old when you've heard how fucking brilliant it is and how amazing and yada yada yada, for the millionth time, especially when you don't feel the same about it.
I've only listened to the damned thing twice, but honestly....I really don't have the urge to listen to it again.
I will, but I really don't feel like doing it. And I know I'm gonna skip a lot. Mike may say that you have to listen to the album from start to finish and bla bla, but honestly...I just can't be bothered and I tried that already and it just didn't do anything for me...at all. I was just waiting for it to be over, already.
All the non-songs are bugging the crap out of me and I know I'll skip them...much like Give Me Your Name by DBS, I probably won't give them a third listen, at all.
It bothers me that I -know- that there are A LOT of things that I'm not told or that is changed to be something safe, like on that horrible video from the other day.
I don't understand that. Yeah, I do it when my reply seems too bitchy or whatever but other than that...what's the worst that can happen? That you're honest and figure out that the world didn't implode.
It makes me sad, when people refer to me as a friend or sometimes, even best friend and still don't share things with me. I get that some things may seem to be/are irrelevant or just those every day things that don't seem important...but personal things...are you not supposed to share those with your best friend? I thought so.

Ramblings.

2010-08-28T23:54:00.000+02:00

~~- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).~~
~~- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).~~
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
~~- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).~~
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.

It's almost time to go back to work. I go back on Wednesday.
I've exercised as I wanted to and I had the BEST time during Pride Parade! Kirsten and I walked with the Parade from start to finish - 3½ hours of walking and dancing and I ended up pretty drunk by the time we went home but I had an awesome time and I'm doing it again next year, that's for sure.
I didn't meet Nick for coffee because I got drunk at the parade, but then I told him that I couldn't imaging sleeping with him and he didn't want to keep dating me, then.
That's alright with me. Even if I think he could've been good for me, I think he would've had to be as a friend because I just wasn't attracted to him like that.
Yeah, he was sweet and whatnot, but also very, very curious about my economy and whatnot and that made me a bit paranoid, plus the fact that I just couldn't imagine having sex with him.
I'm not completely done with my bedroom and living room, but I'm getting there, lol. I'm so lazy.

It's about time for me to go back to work, though. I'm starting to feel slightly depressed-y and I'm extremely over sensitive and I get so easily hurt if my girl doesn't say what I expect her or reply right away or something and it's just very unfair.
I've just had a few days where I've felt extremely unloved, sad and pathetic and the fact that she's slightly pms-y and whatnot doesn't exactly help the situation.
So yeah...I need to go back to work.

Oh yeah and I saw the video for The Catalyst...and it made me like the song a bit more.
Seriously, the video is AWESOME and so beautiful and I'm a little bit obsessed with it, though I really don't want to be.
Yes, that's completely lame and very childish but it just annoys me a little bit that the song, I found to be seriously annoying, repetitive and so beneath my boys' talents, started growing on me, the second that I saw Mr. Hahn's (whom I really don't like as a person..the person we know, anyway) video for it. I guess that only says good things about Joe because he really is a good director..but yeah.
I still think the lyrics are repetitive and annoying, but they seem so much more bearable when I watch the video and I don't know if it's the song growing on me or if it's because of Mike and Chester's insane hotness, because let me tell you....THEY ARE FUCKING HOT!!!!!
Yeah, I don't care about the rest of the band's participation in the video (s), but those two are fucking hot.

Smoking, dating, depression, guilt and doubts.

2010-08-18T10:37:00.000+02:00

When I leave work on Thursday night, I'm on vacation for 12 days. Now, of course I plan on doing nothing and write a lot, but I also have a few things that I want to do.

- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.

Now, lately it's been difficult living in my house...for me, at least. It actually got so bad that when I drove to the doctor's on Monday, I cried the whole ½ hour drive there.
I get very frustrated because the parental units have started smoking inside again. I could deal with them starting to smoke again, but it's very difficult to deal with them smoking in the house - especially because the no-smoking signs are still up on the doors, which I find to be very hypocritical.
This has caused me to permanently close my door to my hallway. I know, I can't avoid the smoke completely because that would mean that I was moving out, but at least I can make it less horrible in my own end by having the door shut at all times.
My mom's doctor also claims that she has a depression and has given her anti-depressants for it, which is good, I guess.
I just don't believe that she's got an actual depression - I think she could be on the verge of one and therefore he's given her the meds, but yeah.
Normally, people with depressions don't function very well and they're extremely tired all the time, sleeping a lot. Now, my mom has been tired since she stopped working, because she's got that lung disease but she functions alright and even has the energy to bitch at me and my step dad, whenever we don't dance to her tune and not many depressed people have the energy to do that - they just can't bring themselves to care enough.
Of course...my mom being my mom, she's very dramatic about it and it seems like she's expecting my stepdad and I to be nothing but fucking understanding and do whatever she demands.
Well, I'm sorry mother dearest, but that would mean that I was letting you stay in that state of mind and I'm not gonna do that, so I'm gonna treat you like I normally do and tell you when you're out of line - at least toward me.
What my stepdad does, is his business but I have a feeling that he'll explode at some point, too because she really is rather demanding and expects him to just do whatever she wants.

Can you tell that I'm annoyed with my mom, lately? Lol. I know, it's probably not -that- bad, but I'm just extremely annoyed these days (pms also playing a part, I think) and that colors my view on everything, too, of course.

I've been on two dates with Nick and he seems like a nice guy. I think the problem is that I've been single for so very long that I just don't know how to trust guys, anymore.
Of course, there's also the issue with my girl which is causing me to feel EXTREMELY guilty, whenever I see Nick.
Part of me goes 'yeah, but she's in Memphis and you are here - you need to do something for yourself and your life here and she knows this', but the other part of me is like 'yeah, but you love her and you wanna go see her...are you sure you should be doing this?'.
It's very frustrating and even though I've tried talking to my mom about the whole Nick situation, it's just not working because she's so caught up in herself, she can barely pretend to care, when I mention anything about it....which hurts, too.
I have a gut feeling that Nick could be good for me...if I could just let my guard down, which I can't seem to do.
I mean, we've only been on two dates which is nothing and certainly not enough to say that you know someone and I've had to tell him to back the fuck off a little, because he was very 'oh, I would like to kiss you or hold your hand' and I was like 'get away from me, I'm not there yet!'. Then he told me that I should tell him if I wanted him as a boyfriend, to which I said that I was so far from being anywhere near that as I could be.
Seriously, I've pushed him away because I'm scared shitless of opening up, of losing my best friend and of getting hurt and hurting my best friend....and he just accepts it.
Now, part of me thinks that it's awesome and that maybe he really does like me enough to stick around and be patient...the other part of me is completely paranoid and thinks he's just being patient to use me and the second I should sleep with him (soooooo far from even considering doing that, though!) or something, he's going to hurt me.

I don't know. I think it's very difficult to be me, these days. And yes, that sounds horribly selfish and I know that I should be nicer to my mom (in general, not because of the alleged depression) and other people, but I just feel like I have so much on my mind that I can't really wrap my brain around anything else, right now.

The Catalyst.

2010-08-04T13:16:00.000+02:00

Linkin Park's new single, The Catalyst, was released on Monday. Well, make that Monday night, here.
I was so excited, finally feeling that old LP excitement and love. Until I heard the song.

Now, everything is a matter of taste and just to prevent people from screaming at me in the comments, saying that I'm dissing LP and whatever else kind of bullshit, so called 'real' fans can come up with, I'm gonna say that the following is MY opinion of the song.

I find The Catalyst to be the worst LP song, I've ever heard...well, I guess it's right there with Reanimation, Wake and Session (no, I didn't like those either, because contrary to popular belief, I don't have to like every fucking thing that Linkin Park does, to call myself a fan.).
I don't like electronic music and this is very much electronic, borderline techno, if you ask me and I just think it's horrible.
I think the music drowns out Mike and Chester's voice, that sound weird, anyway but that might just be how it's sampled or whatever and I find the lyrics to be repetitive and very annoying.
I won't say that I was disappointed in The Catalyst because I honestly didn't really have any expectations, but I just really don't like it.
Now, I have pre-ordered the album A Thousand Suns and I'm really hoping that the rest of the songs will be something that I can stand listening to.
If not, I'm gonna have to break up with the current Linkin Park, for the time being.

I'm not one of those fanatic fans, who thinks that I should just worship anything and everything the band and each of its members do, but I have had my share of panic attacks about not feeling excited about the album.
Not anymore, though. I've grown up in the past two years and I'm not the same obsessive-must-travel-to-Germany-to-see-LP-live kinda girl, anymore.
I'm not going to their show, here, either. I just can't be bothered to travel to the other side of the (TINY!!) country, to see them.
I may not like this album, but if they decide to make another, maybe I'll like that one and if not...I'm pretty damn sure that the world won't swallow me whole.
It took me a while to warm up to Fort Minor and there are still some songs that I think are lame and horrible. Same goes with DBS, though that type of music is probably more in my area than Fort Minor ever was.
My point is this...I've been a hardcore fan of Linkin Park's since 2002 or something like that, I have 3 tattoos with their songs and I have practically every CD and DVD (aside from Reanimation which I sent to Singapore), they've ever made.
I consider myself a lifetime fan of their three first albums, no matter what I think of this one and I'll be forever branded as theirs, no matter what happens, lol.

Respect to the guys for making something so different with The Catalyst. I don't find it to be genius and I prefer not to be subjected to it, but I still respect the boys for making it.

Survey!! Yay!! does a jig

2010-07-28T00:49:00.000+02:00

I stole this from Nat's LJ, actually.

1. Who are you?
2. Are we friends?
3. When and how did we meet?
4. How have I affected you?
5. What do you think of me?
6. What’s the fondest memory you have of me?
7. How long do you think we will be friends?
8. Do you love me?
9. Do you have a crush on me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. Would you hug me?
12. Physically, what stands out?
13. Emotionally, what stands out?
14. Do you wish i was cooler?
15. On a scale of 1-10, how hot am I?
16. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it:
17. Am I loveable?
18. How long have you known me?
19. Describe me in 3 words:
20. What was your first impression?
21. Do you still think that way about me now?
22. What do you think my weakness is?
23. Do you think i’ll get married?
24. What makes me happy?
25. What makes me sad?
26. What reminds you of me?
27. If you could give me anything what would it be?
28. How well do you know me?
29. Do you wish to get to know me more?
30. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
31. Do you think I could kill someone?
32. Are you going to put this on your journal and see what I say about you?

Do it, do it, do it!!! Come on, you know you want to! And I'll do it if you put it in yours! *frantic grin!*

Grace.

2010-07-22T19:54:00.000+02:00

I got Edward Kowalczyk's first solo album, today. He was the lead singer of my other favorite band Live and after they broke up he, of course, had to go solo and let me tell you; it's the Ed I've come to know and love through his time in Live.
I've only listened to the album a couple of times, but I'm completely in love with 'Grace', which is also the first single from the album 'Alive'.

I'm gonna post the video, which is amazing! And then I'm gonna post the lyrics, just so those of you who care enough to read them, can see what an amazing lyricist Ed really is.
I think he touches something inside of me...something more spiritual than what I normally let people see. He's a very spiritual, almost religious guy and his songs are the same, even though they're anything but boring as some religious songs can be.

Anyway, enough of me rambling, here's the video:

And the lyrics:

Spend a little time standin' on the front lines
And you really can't talk at all
Your mind begins to wonder
Is there any love at all?

The photographs you took
Yeah, there was somethin' in their eyes
Every saint used to be a sinner
Every man used to be a child
You said it was all inside my mind

You were wrong
There was grace
You saw the enemy
I saw your face
People like you and I
Spinnin' through space
You were wrong
I still have faith

Everytime I feel the sunshine
I thank the lord up above
For seein' somethin' I
Couldn't see at all
Comin' down hard
The feelin's all gone
Where are we gonna hide?
My wings are feelin' clipped now
And all I wanna do is fly

Somethin's gotta give
Get up, stand up, see through it
Gotta get this message to you
You said life don't mean a thing
That there's no reason left to dream.

Three weeks later....

2010-07-17T10:17:00.000+02:00

So I've been living in my co-worker's apartment for the past three weeks and it's been an experience.
First of all; everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not one who cleans and vacuums and whatnot every week or even every month. But entering this apartment was mind blowing. Especially, because my co-worker was -really- excited and said 'can you tell that I've cleaned like crazy for you?'. I couldn't. Not at all. In fact it looks like she hasn't cleaned in years.
I'm not bullshitting you. The first thing I did, was vacuum the entire (tiny, one bedroom) apartment, just so I didn't have to wear shoes inside.
I also washed some of the windows...though only on the outside and I'm telling you...the water was brown. Seriously; dark brown like my natural hair color. It was gross.
Not only that, but the first time I had to shower, I had to continuously move the shower head around just to get wet. Water wasn't pouring down, but more like to all sides from the shower head. So that caused me to soak it in vinegar for 24 hours or so. That helped.
I didn't take anything out of any cabinet in the kitchen and use it, before washing it. Everything is so dirty, man.
Seriously, this co-worker claims to have dust allergies. Well, I'm claiming that she can stuff that up her ass because anyone who can live in all of this filth, does not have dust allergies. Not even dust intolerant. Seriously, it's gross.

Then there's the tale of the hot water...or lack of same...well, lack of pressure, anyway. Seriously, I can't wait to go home to take a REAL shower, where there's actually pressure on the water.
Here, it's like...you turn on the hot water and then barely touch the cold one...and the water seriously looks like it can't really be bothered coming out of the tap/shower head, but if you insist...
I could not live like this every day, all the time. I would go crazy!

So why did I stay for 3 weeks? Because both me and my parents needed it. We needed the space. Now...I can't wait to go home on Monday morning. I told my mom to pick me up at 9am, simply because I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME!

I can't say that I'll never stay here again, because it's been nice with a break, but I'll still be amazed how someone can live in a place this filthy. It seriously boggles my mind.

....my laptop needs to be dusted, as well, lol.

Random thoughts.

2010-07-09T10:48:00.000+02:00

- Our house is not for sale anymore. The bank wouldn't accept the new price. I don't blame them because we would lose A LOT of money and I prefer to get out of it with a big, fat ZERO on the bottom line or maybe even with money.

- My mom was pretty crushed that the bank said no, so now she's getting a kitten, instead, lol.

- I'm currently living in the apartment of a co-worker and will be until the 19th. It's awesome to be alone again, but also a bit difficult because I have to fight my own head again. I love being on my own, but I have to fight my own thoughts a lot and I'm not always successful.

- I did a thing I never thought I'd do; I asked my girlfriend to stop following and block the person I mentioned in my previous post. It's a bit naive, I know...because in all reality (no blame, just realism), they could be talking on AIM, MSN and Yahoo, not to mention pretty much everywhere else and I would never know. But I'm trying not to focus on that and just be grateful that my girlfriend actually did this for me, because it's a very big deal for me and means the world. Maybe it's just me, but it's also left a bit of awkwardness between us. I think I'm more needy than normal and maybe she's getting a bit sick of that because she doesn't seem to be. So I'm trying to back off a little and not be a drama queen when I don't get BB messages in the morning and whatnot. I don't know, like I said; I need to fight my own head a little bit because my brain can seriously come up with a lot of bullshit and I can't allow it to take over. The fact that I asked her to unfollow and block was more than enough and the rest...well, I just have to fucking deal with it and stop being so dramatic. If I don't, it'll drive us apart and I don't want to lose my best friend.

- Linkin Park is releasing their new album 'A Thousand Suns' on September 14th and for a while, I was very 'meh' about it. Didn't really give a damn, to be honest and it was depressing the fuck out of me, no bullshit. This is my favorite band, we're talking about!! I should be jumping around like a mad person that they're finally releasing another album! And yet, I was like 'Oh, September 14th? Okay.' and that was it. It was doing my head in and even more so because my best friend was really excited and couldn't really say anything to make me feel better. It got to a point where I almost got angry at her for being excited. Yes, I'm weird. Then we talked a bit back and forth and I listened to the song from their game (which I still find to be a lame idea, by the way), 'Blackbirds' and it's just...maybe it was because of my mood, but I'm not sure...a very depressing song.
Chester's voice was amazing and it became clear to me that I don't listen to them enough, when I can forget how amazing Mr. Bennington's voice really is.
Then we listened to New Divide and it put a smile on my face instantly. I'd forgotten how much I loved that song. So I promised myself that I would listen to a lot more LP over my days off and generally in my life and as I listen to Points Of Authority from Live in Texas, right now, I'm finding my love for the boys again and I'm sure that I'll be super excited by the time the album is out.
I'm not going to go to their show unless they add a date in Copenhagen, though. I've been to two shows and they're awesome, I should be willing to ride my bike to Jutland to attend, but honestly...I promised I'd take Kirsten, but I can't really wrap my brain around going to Jutland with her. She's too distracted and does everything at the last moment and that pisses me off and I don't want to be pissed off at a LP show.
I can live without going to their show, if I'm honest.

- Things at work are sucky. For the first time, I'm actually enjoying to be working with temps and there's only one reason for that; when I work with temps, I'm sure that I'll get to stay on my own floor.
I talked to my boss about this and told her that I can feel that I'll go down with stress, if we don't do something about it. I spent two days with stomach ache and barely sleeping, before I had to go to work and realized that I had to do something about it or I'll break.
That caused her to mention that maybe we should all be introduced to the other two 'departments', so we had a better knowledge of how things are there, which I think would be awesome.
Not because I'm jumping in excitement about having to work other departments than my own, but if I -have to-, then I want to know what the fuck I'm doing and not just go by instinct.
Of course, some of my co-workers thinks it's a horrible idea because they really don't want to work anything but their own department and the only comment I had to their 'I don't want to do that!!', was 'well, then come up with a different suggestion.' and that shut them up.
We'll talk about this in the fall and see if we can figure out a solution. In the meantime, I'm seriously considering finding a different job, to be honest. Only time will tell what will happen.

Jealousy is a bitch.

2010-06-20T11:45:00.000+02:00

Wow, it's been a long time, since I wrote in this thing. Mainly because I never think that I experience anything worth blogging about and that my life is so extremely boring that no one wants to read about it.
But this past weekend has been really rough on me and I'm still trying to deal, even though it's not really working very well.

The main thing was the jealousy I experienced, when my girlfriend (yes, that's what she is to me, even though she's very far away) started following and was followed by someone who's clearly had a crush on her before, on Twitter.
This person got a girlfriend somewhere and at some point and this girlfriend told her to not talk to my girlfriend and I have to admit that it suited me just fine because she bothered me a lot.
So I found out that they were following each other again and I flipped out, man. I had a serious breakdown in my shower and actually considered cutting myself off from the internet and everything because I just couldn't deal with the jealous feelings.
God, it hurt so bad. All the paranoia that jealousy is can really tear a person apart, man. What hurt the most was that my girlfriend hadn't told me, even though she knows that it's a big deal. And I can understand why she didn't, I guess, because she would've had to deal with my jealousy and in securities anyway.
I can't describe how horrible I felt and when we talked about it, I had to fight really hard not to say 'But it's only words and I don't believe you', when she told me how much she loves me and that this other person doesn't mean anything to her.
I won't even say the horrible thoughts I had, before we talked, because everything is caused by that jealousy and it's just horrible.
I was honest, however and said that part of me didn't believe her and that I will never be okay about them being in contact.
I know...I shouldn't be this involved with anyone and especially not anyone online, but what the hell can I do? I've fallen in love...with a girl...which is a first, by the way. Yeah, she annoys the crap out of me, sometimes, but I'm sure that she wants to strangle me, as well, sometimes....like when I pull my jealousy crap or get offended by random comments that are meant as jokes.
But that doesn't change the fact that I love her.
Then when something like this happens, I get angry at myself for getting so involved and think that I should just get a boyfriend....one that actually lives in my country...and so her and I can go back to being friends (that's what we are first and foremost), but then I think of what that would do to us.
Yeah, we claim to be 'realistic' about what we have and I think that we are, but that doesn't change the fact that I know that if she came and told me that she'd gotten a boyfriend, it would destroy me.
I can't speak for her, but I'm guessing she would be pretty hurt, if I got someone as well...even though, I have a feeling she'd never admit it ;)
The most ridiculous thing is...I know in the rational part of my brain that she can have contact with whomever and I would never know about it and she could actually have a boyfriend without my knowledge, as well...but I guess I just don't want to think about it.
The fact is...I know they're in some sort of contact or at least following each other and I'm done denying that it bothers me because it does..a lot. But then there's the part of me who doesn't want to be that girlfriend who's constantly trying to control who she talks to and all that bullshit, because in the end I can't control a goddamn thing.
So I'm trying to deal with the fact that yes, they're following each other and that's that. But man, it's hard. It's so, so, so, so hard and the jealous part of me just want to tell her to block her...so yeah, I'm struggling but so far...the rational side is winning.
And yes, that makes me sound very insane, but whatever.

We've also switched realtor and the price he's calculated our house to is very low. We don't really care, though and we hope that the bank will accept it.
If not, we have to keep living here until the crisis is looking up a little bit.
Only time will tell what will happen.

That's probably what's taking up most space in my mind.

FREAK!!

2010-04-30T14:10:00.000+02:00

Wow. Some people are so sad, man.
This dude that I'd been talking to for a while...he came to visit me two weeks ago. He brought his cat (!), which was kinda odd to me. I would understand if it had been a dog and don't get me wrong; the cat was cute as hell, but you just don't bring your cat with you, unless you're going somewhere you plan on visiting a lot, so it gets used to it.
When I saw him at the station (I picked him up after telling him he couldn't ride his bike with his cat in a box!), I almost drove away.
He looked so much like my ex, Daniel, from Germany. The drama queen one. I don't know if I wrote about him here, but if I didn't, you can check back a few years on my LiveJournal and find a bunch of entries about him, there.
Anyway, I almost got scared when I saw him, simply because it was exactly like seeing Daniel all over again.
But I figured that even if he wasn't someone I was attracted to physically, we could still be friends and whatnot.
We spend almost four hours together, until I finally told him (around 4pm) that we should probably find the station again, which seemed to come as a huge surprise to him.
I don't know what he expected (he even aired the thought of him and his cat not even going home during the night, which was never going to happen on the first date.), but I ended up catching his cat, while he stood there like a helpless little boy, looking at me.
Then I took him to the station and hurried home. I figured that we'd still be friends, even if I could never see him as my boyfriend.
He wrote me that he hadn't felt that special chemistry and I figured that we agreed so I wrote him that I couldn't see him as my boyfriend, either.
It's no secret that I have very strong feelings for Nathaly, who is also my best friend and at some point I tweeted something about her on Twitter, but not mentioning her, which pretty much means that everyone could see it.
Then Søren went into his drama queen-ish mode and started talking about how he was hurt about me not wanting him as a boyfriend and that me tweeting that was rubbing salt in the wound.
Of course, I freaked out a little. This is my best friend, we're talking about and no one tells me what I can or cannot tweet to or about her and no one pulls the dramaqueen bullshit with me and especially not after one meeting.
Long story short, the next couple of days, he switched (very split personality, if you ask me) between telling me how awesome/intelligent I am and how awesome it was that I'm so direct and blunt and then telling me how unintelligent I am and how I was making a fool of myself and how he could understand that I was embarrassed because I had lost the argument.
During these text, I was staring at my phone in disbelief. I mean, seriously?! He didn't seem to grasp the fact that I was over it, by then. That I wasn't going to stoop to his level and throw mud like a 13 year old.
Apparently, he didn't understand that no one ever wins a fight or argument, either.
He also texted me that he was open for apologies. Sad thing is, I didn't think of saying 'That's great, I'm looking forward to receiving it.'.
But yeah, he was clearly convinced that I was the one who'd overreacted and been completely unfair to him and that he'd done nothing wrong - it was like talking to Daniel, all over again, man and it creeped me out.
This guy is 35 years old, yet he acts like a 12 year old, when it comes to social things. What he needs is a mother or someone to 'raise' him in the social department, teach him what you can say/do and what you can't and I most certainly isn't the right person for that.
I'm not saying that I didn't overreact or that I didn't have anything to apologize for, but when someone acts -that- arrogant and thinks they're that superior to me....I'd rather let a goat fuck me in the ass than apologize.

Then the other night, he texted me. 'Can we talk?' Was what it said. Plain and simple. He got a simple answer; I ignored the text and deleted it.
How schizo is he, anyway?! Thinking that after such a change from me being absolutely fabulous to being the most dense person on the planet, I'd want to talk to him again?!
He must be absolutely delusional, man. If I never hear from him again, it'll be too soon, man. I hope he forgets my number and about my existance.

Dealing with stuff.

2010-04-07T10:47:00.000+02:00

So I've had some pretty rough weeks.
My mom had to go to the hospital to get her vocal chords checked and was scheduled for surgery on Friday, because they wanted to go down and take a biopsy because they were suspecting cancer.
The C-word alone freaked me out like nobody's business, maybe even more so because we lost my grandpa to cancer in November.
Then my brain decided to divide the fear; first the surgery and then the result.
My mom has a severe lung disease and we were once told that she cannot be put in anaesthesia because chances are she won't survive it.
I had work that weekend, so on Thursday, I told Illona about it and then cried. I knew I'd cry when I saw her because I just feel so comfortable around her that I don't mind her seeing me cry.
I told her that I wanted to be at the hospital but that I would be at work around dinner time or so and she just stared at me like I was absolutely ready to be institutionalized and then insisted that I took Friday off.
Our boss agreed and it was actually a relief; the knot in my stomach disappeared, even though the fear did not.
The doctor who was doing the surgery had told my mom that she had nothing to worry about, but apparently (she told me this later) she wasn't even afraid of the surgery because she was certain that she would not wake up again.
Of course, we all had the same fear and when I was getting into the car to go to the hospital, my step dad called my cell and freaked me the fuck out, because I was afraid that he was going to tell me that she had died.
Thankfully, he was just calling to say that she was in the OR, already.

She survived the anaesthesia, but wasn't allowed to speak for 10 days which, to my surprise, she was actually really good at.
She used her cell to write us and later, their laptop which has a program that enables it to speak out loud; that was kinda cool.
If I'm honest, I never believed that it was cancer, because the doctor said they had found 'some white spots' and took a bite of that, but that everything else was completely normal.
For some reason, I didn't believe that white spots was cancer because you have white spots if you have a yeast infection in your mouth and whatnot.
But being the pessimist that I am, I didn't dare voicing or even believing my gut feeling that said 'not cancer', so I was freaking out from Friday until Wednesday before Easter, where they would get the results.
I was spamming my Twitter, while I was waiting for the result and when I finally got that text that it was good news, I didn't really know what to do with myself so I sat in our kitchen and just...laughed. I laughed, yes.

Now, however, my mom is in the hospital with a massive pneumonia. It seems like we can't catch a fucking break, man.
I mean, we're used to pneumonia and I much prefer that to cancer, but it's just a lot and it feels like we can't even catch our breaths before we get something else thrown in our faces. It's been like this since...June, last year, where my grandpa was first hospitalized.

Unfortunately, all of this makes me overly sensitive and things that have not mattered before, is suddenly a big deal.
I get annoyed with Nat for no reason, at all and even though I know that some of it is actually the age-difference, I just keep my mouth shut for fear of going absolutely crazy and yelling at her.
It's far from being fair and this is why I just shut up because she's her and I'm me and we should not change that, no matter what, but it doesn't mean that it's something that needs to be talked about because it's just me being sensitive and weird and her being who she is and it can't really be changed and shouldn't, either.
I've started talking to this guy, Søren and he actually seems like a normal, sweet guy and I love testing/Twittering with him.
Of course, he annoys me too, sometimes but what's worst is that he seems to be scared that I'll get angry with him, if he doesn't agree with me or whatever and I just want to shake him, man.
Friend or more...doesn't matter, we don't have to agree on everything because that'd be fucking boring, man. What pissed me off, was when he said we should never talk about religion or Linkin Park, anymore. I flipped out, man.
I had so many subjects I couldn't talk to my ex about because we'd rip each other's heads off and I hated that.
Now, I'm 10 years older and have realized that being in a relationship doesn't mean that you have to agree on every tiny thing and just because you disagree, doesn't mean that you can't be together.
But seriously, I know he doesn't know me all that well, yet...but asking me to never talk about the band that I love more than anything? Not gonna happen, dude.
The three tattoos I have, relating to them, should tell him that they're a big deal in my life and if any guy wants to be with me, they have to be able to accept that.
Yes, I'll keep the fangirling to the web, but I'm definitely talking about them. Shit, I even talk about them to my parents and they could not care less.
I know, he has his reasons for reacting like that, but he has to realize that just because we have heated debates or even arguments, doesn't mean that I'll start hating him from one minute to the next.
And he doesn't really approach me, if I tweet complaints or whatever and I know it's because he's got no clue as to how I'll react, but I've told him to just ask and the worst answer he can get is 'none of your business' or 'I don't wanna talk about it', so I'm hoping that he'll do that more.

That's all folks.

Daddy.

2010-03-11T17:12:00.000+01:00

Today would've been my daddy's 65Th birthday. That means that it's been 7 years since he passed away...well, almost because he passed in June, I believe, but yeah...close enough.
My dad was a very strange man that I, unfortunately, have inherited a lot from. We're both really good at hiding our emotions, even though I have a lot more temper than he did and I tend to blow up whereas he just removed himself from the conflict.
My entire childhood he was more like a lamp than an actual dad; he never really helped raise me and we were not very close at all.
He wasn't really a good husband to my mother (I know, it's a two-way street and she wasn't a good wife, either) and even cheated on her on several occasions (she cheated on him, later on and got her revenge, I suppose), which only drove him and I even further apart.
After they got divorced (I was 19), my dad had a hard time keeping in contact with me and it was one-way communication for a long while because, even if I wasn't close to him, he was still my dad and I didn't want to lose contact with him.
At some point, I had to level with him, though and I told him that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to talk to me, but that if he did, he would have to initiate contact as well.
Throughout his life, our relationship was awkward. Probably because we both had a hard time sharing our emotions.
Before he passed away, however, he came to live with me because he'd had open heart surgery and I wouldn't let him stay at his apartment alone. It was from my apartment he called 911 on the day he had a blood clot in his heart.
He was on my couch, dying when he called 911.
The last time I talked to my father, we fought. We fought because he was in more pain than anyone could imagine and he hurt my feelings. I cried and yelled at him, before I left.
A couple of hours later, the hospital called me and told me to come immediately.
He died the next morning at 3.55am.

I've worked through everything and I don't blame myself for fighting with him that morning and I know that our fight didn't have anything to do with him dying. He would've died anyway.
But today, I've spend a lot of time, thinking about my daddy. Not with regret but more with the reality of what we had.
We didn't have the ideal father/daughter relationship - not by a long shot, but it wasn't just his fault. We were both responsible for that.
I wonder what would've happened if I had just randomly hugged him.
I can't change the fact that I never did, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that I had.

I love you, daddy and I miss you every day.

Dreams.

2010-03-06T12:40:00.000+01:00

I dreamed about my girl, last night. I think I was influenced by my RPG or something, lol, because it was pretty much a romantic make-out/groping dream, lol.
I know that sounds horribly dirty and whatnot, but it really wasn't. It was nice and romantic and just...pretty fluffy, really.
I pretty much spend most of the night, making out with her, lol and it was just....yeah, nice.

Then I woke up and went back to sleep and then dreamed that we were having bingo night at work and for some reason, my ex and his new girlfriend was there. Not that I mind, at all because I was done with him when I moved out, 10 years ago, but it was just a weird place for them to be.
Then someone brought two big dogs (a mastiff and a rottweiler, I think it was) and one of our citizens freaked out because they came into his apartment (I don't know how, because the door was closed, but they did.) and I had to go tell them to get out of there.
Good thing I'm not afraid of dogs, like Kirsten.
And for some reason, I kept changing my shoes, from my flip-flops to my cowboy boots and my emus and I kept losing my socks, which I had to wear for my cowboy boots - very strange indeed.
Once we were all going to leave, I wanted to borrow Lars and Gitte's (ex and girlfriend) DVD with Alice In Wonderland (the new one w/Johnny Depp, yes. I have no desire to watch that movie, though so I don't know.), but they wouldn't let me.
Once we were outside, there were three people on a bike...a bike made for three people, that is and it was all just very weird, but I suppose we all drove away before my alarm woke me up.

Bitching

2010-02-24T16:38:00.001+01:00

So I’m very annoyed these days. My mom is annoying the crap out of me with all her illness and shit, man.

Yeah, she was told that she needs a new hip. I get that, that’s fair enough and I know she’s in pain and has been for a long time, now. But suddenly, after she was told that she needs a new hip….the pain is soooooo much worse and almost unbearable? I know it hurts, but come on. It can’t magically become worse after five minutes of talking to your doctor.

I don’t know. I work as a social health care worker and to be honest, I get enough illness when I’m at work and I’m just sick of hearing about people and whatever illnesses they have. I don’t need it when I get home and I don’t need people to ramble on and on.

Yeah, I talk about it, too, if I have some sort of disorder or sickness. Whatever…but my mom pretty much makes it into a contest or so it feels and it drives me up the walls.

I can’t wait to get my own place and then I don’t have to feel like I’m at work all the time. Enough with the sick people, already! Find something else to focus on, man!

And yes, this also means that I have a couple of people on Twitter that are driving me mad. Not because of their rambling about illnesses or anything like that, but because of their endless hyper moods, man and their excessive tweeting about Mike Shinoda and how awesome he is.

Yes, thank you. We are fans too and we know how awesome the man is. Doesn’t mean that we have the need to randomly tweet his name all the time.

It -is- possible to be a fan without going on and on about whomever you’re a fan of, you know.

Okay, one of these people, I actually have no trouble un-following because we don’t really talk or whatever…and I don’t really care about her, to be honest and I know that she doesn‘t care about me, even if she‘ll deny it in the name of being nice and oh-so-fucking-positive.

But the other one…even if we’re not close friends…I do consider her a friend…or acquaintance, at least and she’s actually a sweet girl who never did anything to me….except from being insanely hyper and overly obsessed with Mike Shinoda.

Knowing me, I’ll probably end up getting so annoyed that I’ll un-follow both of them and I know that’s okay. I have no problem with people un-following me or anything, but it just kind of sucks when you’ve enjoyed following someone for a while and then that just stops.

And I lost someone, I thought was a friend, today. Brian. I don’t know why I thought he was a friend, though. He’s always been sarcastic and semi-nasty to me ever since I got on SOY. I guess, he and Kerrie are more perfect for each other than I originally thought, huh?

Anyway, we were having an amusing discussion about movies today and trust me…we do not like the same movies -at all-, but it was all fun and games.

He was making some comment about me liking Transformers so I shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on movies in the first place and it was all fun and games. I commented on Donnie Darko, which I hate and this Bobby person made some comment about holding his tongue so he wouldn’t comment on that and everything just escalated from there, ending up with Brian saying that I deleted him from my Facebook (which I did, yes) and if the others had anyone seen anyone be that sensitive about Transformers.

Yes, I know that was just Brian being Brian again, but seriously…it just fucking hurt. And like I said to Brian on Twitter a few minutes ago; it may not have meant anything to me tomorrow, but today it hurt.

I’ve always liked Brian a lot. Maybe more than I should have, even, but his inability to be serious…or maybe my inability to tell when he’s serious and when he’s not, has always been difficult for me. And I’ve always despised him when he was busy ‘being cute’ or whatthefuckever they wanted to call it, with Kerrie.

Today, I just had enough. Yeah, he and Bobby may not have meant it in a bad way or tried to hurt my feelings, but the fact that they continued to mock me after I removed myself from the discussion only makes me think that he’s lying through his teeth when he says they weren’t being malicious.

Maybe his interpretation of ‘malicious’ and mine just aren’t the same, huh?

Not Alone Video

2010-02-16T10:08:00.002+01:00

I know, I'm a little late with this, but here it is, anyway:

LINKIN PARK – "Not Alone"

Linkin Park | MySpace Music Videos

February 14th.

2010-02-14T10:44:00.000+01:00

Happy Birthday, Jesse!

Yeah, I still greet him and I also think about him a lot on this day. He's 25 or 26, today. Crazy. Tempus Fugit. When I met him, he was 16 and about to become a father, man. I feel so old, lol!

Work

2010-02-13T10:12:00.000+01:00

My work schedule is a little fucked up, here and there, so I'm being all boring and posting how I'll be working:

Wednesday 17/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Thursday 18/2: 2pm - 10pm (bus)
Friday 19/2: My birthday. Day off.
Saturday 20/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Wednesday 24/2: Day off
Thursday 25/2: Day off, going to see Chris MacDonald at 7pm and going eating first. (car)
Friday 26/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Saturday 27/2: Day off for working on the 20th.
Sunday 28/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)

Monday 8/3: Course from 8.30am-3pm (ugh, up early!) (bus!)
Tuesday 9/3: Course from 8.30am-3pm (bus!)
Wednesday 10/3: Day off b/c of course
Thursday 11/3: Day off b/c of course (and my late dad's birthday, rip.)

So yeah, that's the craziness, so far. Any date that I haven't put there, I expect to be a normal day, whether I have it off or have work.

Pictures.

2010-02-06T11:39:00.000+01:00

And that's me in the snow on February 2nd, 2010.

Our road with the crazy amount of snow, we got on February 2nd, 2010.

And this is the teddybear, Nat named for me. It's Buster and he's a german shepherd. And he's lying under my shrunken curtains, lol!

And this is my acrylic nails on my left hand.

And my right hand. I'm so in love with them that I'll order stuff home so I can do them myself from now on.

Dating, part two.

2010-02-06T11:30:00.000+01:00

Okay, so I had to cave and cancel the date. The whole thing about him having been to jail was just taking up too much space in my head.
Actually, it wasn't really the fact that he'd been to jail, because if he'd been there for a DUI or something, I wouldn't have cared, but he was there for violence...severe violence, actually and that bothered me.
I know, it's unfair because it could just, as he told me, be a mistake and something he'd never do ever again, to anyone...but honestly, I can't know that for sure and what if the temper that made him do that...made him do something similar to me, one day?
Seriously, my instincts were screaming at me to cancel and I finally wrote him a long text, explaining and apologizing (because I know it's not fair that he never got a chance), but essentially cancelling and telling him that I couldn't be his girlfriend.
I was seriously nervous, because I didn't know how he would react..and frankly I'm not completely calm, just yet, but he just wrote me a text that said 'Okay'.
My instinct tells me that I won't hear another word about it or see him again, other than if I run into him when I go shopping, but I'm not entirely sure, just yet.
Yeah, I'm completely paranoid, but I don't think that necessarily is a bad thing, when meeting people you've met online.

*pause* And despite this paranoia, I'm still willing to go to the states to visit a girl that I've never met before. Okay, we've talked for more than 2 years, but still. Ironic, huh?

Dating

2010-02-01T22:02:00.000+01:00

It's not really something I'm good at. I haven't done it in years and I tend to be too paranoid about guys, anyway, so I normally never get to go on a date with them.
But Peter...I met Peter today. We walked his dog, Chili and had a nice talk about this and that. For once there wasn't any awkward silence, which was nice.
He was/is pretty much throwing compliments around, like 'you look sweet' or something like it and it makes me a little uncomfortable, if I'm completely honest.
Now, he started off telling me his 'big bad secret' which is that he's done 6 months in jail for beating some guy up...in a serious way.
Kudos to him for telling me straight away, but I can't exactly say that I'm pleased. I told him, he was an idiot for doing something stupid like that and he agreed and told me that he'd never do time, again.
I have to admit that it's making me uncomfortable that he's done something like that (it was pretty bad, actually), but on the other hand, I spent half an hour with the guy and it's really not enough time to judge him.
I'm gonna be honest with him and tell him that it makes me uncomfortable, simply because we've been honest from the get-go...or at least I have and I hope that he has, as well.
Now, we have a dinner date on saturday night, but if he thinks he's getting lucky, he's got another thing coming. We're gonna have dinner and then he'll take me home again.

Now, I know that this is awkward for someone special in my life and that it probably hurts and I really, really hate that.
I know, we talked about this whole thing the other night, but that doesn't exactly make it any easier.
See, I really do love this person and the last thing I want is to hurt them. But on the other hand, I have to recognize the fact that we're on opposite sides of the world and that I'm 11 years older.
I'm getting sick of being such a couch potato and being alone, so I'm trying to do something about it.
This person (and my other friends, too), however, is so important to me that I will make them a priority, even if I should end up with a boyfriend (and yeah, that makes it sound like 'a boyfriend' is an STD, lol, but that's not what I mean).
I want to have space and time to be online, here and there to talk to this person and I most certainly expect texts, just like I'll keep sending text.
In short: there's no way I'm gonna lose contact with this person, no matter what happens.
I love you too much for that, baby and you know (or should know) that you'll always mean the world to me. I have the tattoo to prove it, lol.

Anyway, more on the dating thing later.

Ramblings

2010-01-26T10:09:00.001+01:00

I'm so sick of hearing about Haiti!
Yes, I know it's not very PC to say that, but really...yes, we get that it's a horrible, horrible disaster and that they need money and help and all that. We get it!
I mean, even here...you cannot turn on the radio to listen to 'entertainment', without Haiti being mentioned at least once. Just give it a rest, already!
I'm not saying that everyone should just shut up about it, entirely because really, they do need our help which is why I posted the whole Download to Donate thing, on here, as well...but maybe we don't have to mention it -all the fucking time-, like...constantly?!
I've been close to abandoning Twitter, entirely, man because all people do is ReTweet about Haiti in one way or another. It's like, people suddenly don't have anything to say anymore.
Either they link to DtD or some other 'give us money to send to Haiti'-thing or they ReTweet whenever someone famous or semi-famous mentions Haiti and I'm just sick of it.
I mean like...I follow LPU and MFR and I see their tweets about Haiti and whatnot...I don't need most of my in-the-area-of-60 friends on there to retweet and retweet, so I get the same message 393848392290 times, man! I may be dense, but not -that- dense.
And yes, I now that they have other followers than me and they might not follow MFR and LPU and-we-need-to-get-the-word-out!!!, but chances are that...if people follow them, they're probably following many of the same things that they are.
I know...I should just ignore it and leave it alone...and I do...but I just needed to vent about it, because it's so piss-annoying, it makes me wanna pull my hair out, man.

Other than that...I'm going on some course, today. I hope it won't be so I-wanna-kill-myself-boring as I'm dreading it to be.
Tomorrow, I'll get up at crap o'clock (read: 7am), to go get my blood drawn so I can finally figure out if I have some sort of allergy or not.
Either way, I'm going to buy a allergy nosespray, after I'm done at the doctors and see if it helps, because I'm sick and tired of feeling like I might be coming down with a cold, any day now.
I don't know if Illona will come to work, this weekend because they have some supervision thing tomorrow and I don't know how she'll feel after that.
I do hope that she'll show up, though, because I don't want to be dealing with a temp all weekend.

Music For Relief. Download To Donate for Haiti.

2010-01-22T10:09:00.004+01:00

Drama!

2010-01-18T09:42:00.000+01:00

Friday, when Illona and I were in the café, randomly chatting to Ingerlise, she asked Illona if she could talk to her in private.
Both Illona and I thought that it was, once again, about my attitude or something like that.
Illona was taken to an office where Lise, Ellen and Marianna was sitting and waiting for her.
Ingerlise took the lead and told Illona that they had had it with her and her negativity and the fact that she caused a bad atmosphere at work. They told her that she interfered with their jobs and got into stuff that's none of her business and that she reads up on their citizens.
Illona, of course, was completely shocked and asked about specific situations, but Ingerlise just said that it 'was the general attitude that became too much and that they really couldn't keep repeating specific situations'.
At some point, Lene called me and asked me to bring Lisbeth to this office because she wanted to talk to us.
When we got there, Illona was crying like crazy, to the point of not being able to breathe and after Lisbeth and I were told what had happened, we were furious, shocked and completely surprised that adults can behave like that towards other adults.
We thought stuff like that only happened in the 6th grade, but apparently not.
Our boss was called and came to talk to Illona and this situations -will- have consequences because our top boss will be informed, today.
Now, we don't know what will happen, exactly so we'll have to wait and see about that.
It's been quite an eventful weekend, because of this and I'm having problems figuring out how to continue, because there are just so many details going round in my head, it's tough to find a system.
After this whole thing with Illona, Lisbeth and I were to run our two departments alone, because Lene and Illona was talking to our boss and while I was helping Lisbeth put a citizen to bed...I slipped in some water on the bathroom floor and fell hard onto my knees.
The pain. My god, it hurt so badly all I could do was sit there on my fucked up knees...and cry my eyes out.
I asked Lisbeth, through my heavy crying, if we couldn't just erase that day and pretend that it never happened.
I mean, first Illona gets ambushed by four colleagues, and then I fall on my ass (or knees, rather) and hurt myself.
The weekend was not starting off well.
Surprisingly, Illona showed up on saturday, but started the shift with crying and was crying randomly throughout the night.
I'm sore and bruised, but thankfully nothing serious happened to me, what with broken bones or anything like that.
We made it through the weekend, but I wonder what will happen today, when our bosses get a chance to talk about what happened to Illona and what she'll be told at the meeting, she'll hopefully have with the bosses, later today.
She promised me that she'll call me, once she's found out something or has heard something, so I'm waiting for that.

I'm gonna go have breakfast now. I just needed to sort this thing out a bit. I might blog about it, some more, later but we'll see if that's needed.

Update.

2010-01-13T00:31:00.000+01:00

Okay, so I haven't smoked since January 3rd. That's 10 days. I'm pretty proud of that, even if it's not 3 months yet.
During the day, I'm not really suffering that much. I'm doing fine...but after dinner (on my days off)...goddamn, I want to smoke.
And it's crazy because I pretty much have to stay away from my parents because their cigarette smoke really, really bother me, so it's not that I miss the smoke, per se.
It's basically a mental thing and I keep my hands busy by knitting, playing Napoleon, talking to Nat and Tweeting (Twittering? Whatever.) and I keep telling myself that I shall not smoke, that I will not smoke, that it's disgusting and that I don't need it.

Today, I had a meltdown. An actual meltdown, where I cried and everything, which happens very, very rarely.
I'm just not a person who cries a lot. But today, I was trying to change my layout on my blog and something snapped inside my head and I just broke down and cried.
I couldn't figure out how to use a template thing and it just frustrated me to no end.
I ended up having Nat do it for me, which only made me feel even more stupid and I cried even more.
She managed to calm me down and get me to stop crying...and then I watched Ghost Whisperer and cried at the ending.
I was like WTF?! I don't cry. I don't do crying. And yet, all I wanted was to have an hour or so where I just cried my eyes out.
But of course, the inner...whatever it is that I have, blocked it all and my crying stopped.
Maybe I was just oversensitive, but it was just crazy. And after Nat worked on my layout and made it so prettyful (because I really do think that it is), she asked me if I liked it and by that time, I was crying even harder and just wanted to be a child and say 'No, I don't like it at all! Change it back to the way it was!!', when in fact that would be a complete lie, because I really do like it.
Of course, I didn't say that because I was giving her enough shit, even if I wasn't even angry with her and that probably made it so that I didn't hurt her feelings after all the work she did for me, which I really do appreciate.

New Years Resolutions.

2009-12-31T11:21:00.000+01:00

I don't like them, at all. Like one of my friends said, it's people making promises they can't keep or setting goals, they'll never do anything to accomplish.
Mine aren't so much resolutions as they are changes, I'd make anyway. And one of them won't even start at midnight, anyway.
The first thing, I'm gonna change is the fact that I'm smoking again and have been since August.
I'm gonna quit and stick to it, this time. I lasted 3 months, last time so of course I can do it.
Now, I still have some smokes left and because I'm weird, I won't quit until I've smoked them all, which will probably be this weekend or the start of next week.
I'll also try and see if I can go swimming each tuesday night. Just 10 lanes...which will drain me completely, but I'll take breaks in between lanes, so it'll be fine.
Why swimming? Because it's the only sport that won't fuck up my knees but actually strengthen them and it's the only sport where you use pretty much every muscle in your body.
So basically, I plan on not smoking in 2010 and I plan on losing more weight.
But today is NYE and I plan on stuffing my face like a pig and smoking like a chimney, lol.
Now, the reason why I won't call these two things resolutions, is because I don't want to be kicking myself, if I miss swimming on a tuesday.
The smoking is an entirely different thing, altogether because...not only will I kick myself into sticking with it, but I also plan on my friends supporting me and reminding me of my mother's lung disease and how much money I'll be saving and how well my breathing will become.
I've done it before, I can do it again. I need to do it again.
I'm actually already starting to change my mental attitude towards my smoking, thinking that it's gross and how nice it'll be, when I don't have to go out into the freezing weather, during work, to smoke, not to mention that it's gonna feel so good, when I stop coughing and feeling like I can't breathe properly.
I have confidence. I can do this again.

As for a NYE post, I really don't want to look back over 2009 because...not because it's been a particularly crappy year, because I guess it's pretty much been a year like most others; some good things and some bad things, but more because...why look back on it, when there's a new year starting in 13 hours and I get to start over and make this a great year?
Okay, I'm starting to sound like Sam, but seriously...more positivity would be nice.
I'm sick of hearing about people being oh so depressed and wanting to kill themselves or whatever.
Yes, I get that things are tough and some of my friends have been going through some -really- tough times and I feel for them, I really do and hope that they'll be okay soon.
But there's a difference to going through some rough times, which we all get in different ways...and being depressed.
You're not necessarily depressed because you're having a rough time and feel down for a while.
Most of us are stronger than we think and even if bad things happen...and they do...life goes on, whether we want it to or not and at some point, we gotta get back on the carousel, because it's not gonna stop just because we want it to.
So I'm gonna try and see the positives in things, more than the negatives. I'm not saying that I'll be a happy ball of fluff, all the time or overly positive like Sam, because that would probably make myself vomit because we all need to have times where we just curl up into a ball and go 'this sucks! No, there's NOTHING positive about this, it just sucks and I hate the world!'. That's fine, as long as it's not for months on end or something...at some point we gotta poke our heads out and realize that nothing is so bad, it's not good for something.
I also really hope that someone will buy my house in 2010, so I can get out of here and on with my life.
I hope that me and my mother can keep this positive tone we have between us, which we've had for a couple of months now. It's nice and it's fun and...yeah, it just makes me feel good.
I hope that I get to go to the states, even if it won't happen in May. Maybe two weeks during my summer vacation in august or something? I really don't know what will happen, but no one can take my hope away.

I think that's pretty much it. Happy New Year!

Good news.

2009-12-11T11:30:00.000+01:00

We got the bill for the rat/sewer damage/repair and it's awesome. The total bill was at a good $12.000, but we only have to pay a good $500.
Now, I'm assuming that since it says 'For damage number xxxxxx, you have to pay, IN TOTAL', we won't get another bill, even if my mom was a little pessimistic at first.
I can't say how happy it made me, man. This means that I won't have to spend all of my money on that bill and that I might even get to buy myself a moped, so I won't have to take the bus all the time.
Yeah, those money were for my trip to the states and I don't plan on spending them all, but seeing as my trip has been postponed, anyway, I figured that I might as well spend some of it to make my day-to-day life a little bit easier.
I will keep saving up, as much as I can and seeing as I'm quitting smoking again around new years, there will be some money to save, there.
I haven't given up on going to see Nat. Far from it. And even though I was horribly sad that I had to cave in and say that I couldn't make it 'til May, next year, I have accepted the fact that I really don't want to go and having to watch what I spend my money on. I wanna be able to go and just do whatever I feel like, get my ink and whatnot and so I had to postpone it.
But I do still plan on going to Memphis and meet my best friend. I just don't know when I'll go.

I live!

2009-12-05T11:05:00.001+01:00

It's not that I'm really in a blogging kind of mood. I guess I was always a random blogger-person. It's not like I do it on a regular basis, but I figured it was time to show that I'm still alive and kicking.
It's not that anything exciting has happened, but still a few things bothers me.
Most of all my job...no, more specifically my partner on wednesdays and thursdays.
She's been late two wednesdays in a row, to the point of me calling her to wake her up and it's pissing me the hell off. I think being late once in a while is okay...I mean, shit happens and all, but twice in a row? I find it to be unprofessional and disrespectful towards your co-workers.
Not only that, but then when she shows up, she's all lazy and has the whole oh-I'm-so-tired-and-I-don't-feel-like-being-here attitude and that pisses me off, as well.
Yeah, I don't always feel like being at work, either, but there's a difference between saying it and then getting up to do your job and saying it and me having to pretty much kick her ass into gear.
Not to mention..she said that it's because of her illness and the medication she gets, that she suffers from insomnia...okay, well then go to your doctor and do something about it.
No, instead she tells me that -her mother- will call her special doctor, while she is in New York and figure out what they can do about it because 'I wouldn't get around to do it, anyway'.
Man, I just wanted to freak the fuck out on her and go 'You're 30 fucking years old, woman! Get a fucking grip, grow up and do it yourself!'.
I mean, seriously...I'm a spoiled brat and my mom does a lot of things for me, but if I was having problems with my diabetes, I'd figure it out myself and not let my mother call for me. I mean..what the fuck?!
We work at night, which should make it so that you don't oversleep, no matter what.
I told my boss this and a lot of other things that annoy me about her and she was like 'yeah, well, let's see how it goes when she gets home from New York and deal with it, then.'.
I'm like...okay, that does make sense, but it doesn't seem like my boss is taking me seriously so I told her that if it doesn't get better, I will have to switch to dayshift or something, because I cannot deal with stuff like this in the long run.
I don't want to be a fucking nanny for the person, I'm working with. I'm not her mother and I don't want to deal with things for her.
So I've been thinking a lot about this, while I had my 5 days off and I realized...I do the same with Illona.
No, I'm not late and I do my job...but I tend to let her take over when the shit hits the fan, so to speak and we talked about that, last night and I promised her that I'll step up and do better, because man, it's annoying when people do that.
I still have a good week, before my other partner comes back and next week, I have an extra shift on friday night, so I guess I just have to try and calm down before wednesday, the week after next.

I think that's what takes up most of my line of thought, lately.
Nat and I started a new RPG and I have to say that I'm loving it. I get to play Chester, Crown Prince of England, lol. It's so awesome!

My love for LP is on a low, these days. I'm just not excited about anything concerning them...not even LPU9. I mean, yeah, I'll upgrade one of these days, but really...I can't be bothered to be excited.
About DBS...I'm just...I mean, I love some of the songs and all, but I don't really care about what they do, when they do it and why they do it, if I'm honest.
There's been a lot of bullshit with Chester and I still find him to be an asshole, most of the time. Sure, when he's out with LP, it seems like Mike and the guys have a leash on him and he behaves alright, but with Ryan Shuck...damn, he morphs into an ass and a teenage-like one, at that.
I'm past being angry with him, though. It's just who he is/becomes and I guess he's got a need to be like that...because he's insecure? Maybe, I don't know.
I've gotten to the point where I just don't really give a damn. I don't watch interviews with DBS or get excited about...well, really anything involving Chester.
Sure, I still find him hot and all that, but I really just want him to shut his mouth, so he can sit there and look hot, because when he opens his mouth, I either cringe at how dorky and immature he seems or want to slap him because he talks crap. He should just stick to singing because that's what he's good at.

Life update.

2009-11-11T11:13:00.001+01:00

Wow, a lot has been happening and going on the last few weeks or so.
Last thursday (29th of october), my mom calls me right after I've gotten up and tells me to get to my grandpa because they all think he's gonna die real soon.
So I get dressed, call work and take the bus to meet her on the station in Frederikssund 45 minutes later and we go to Farum to see grandpa.
And man, he looks bad. His breathing is shallow and he can barely talk, but just grunt a little.
I sit there, holding his hand while the rest of the family pours in through the door and I decide that I'm gonna spend the night, which means that I sleep 3 hours because the bed I'm sleeping in, is so horrible.
On friday morning (at 6.30, after having slept since around 2 and having been up several times during those hours), grandpa looks up at me and says 'guess, it wasn't gonna happen tonight, then, huh?'.
Anyway, we go back home and figure that the nursing home will call us when they think it's time.
And they do. Sunday afternoon. My mom and Frank have just been down to see grandpa and they had just walked through the door, when they call from the nursing home.
Of course, we leave immediately and grandpa passed away at 5.17pm on sunday, November 1st, 2009.
RIP Grandpa.
On monday, I went to my checkup, which was alright and not as bad as I'd expected.
On thursday was the memorial service for grandpa and it was alright, actually. I always feel a tiny bit more Christian, when I'm at a church, all the while I'm thinking 'get me out of here, this is ridiculous'. Yes, it's a very weird thing.
Friday and saturday were pretty stressful as we had to get the house ready for my mom and Frank's anniversary on sunday. Breakfast at 8am.
That went well and we ate like pigs and had a good time, even if I was up at 7am, lol.

Monday, I went to get my H1N1 shot, part one and by now, my arm feels like someone hit me with a bat on it and it's red and swollen.
I will get the second part on the 30.

Yesterday was just...kinda blah, if I'm honest. First, I had a...thing with my co-writer, asking why she wasn't replying to our RPG and that just escalated into something..very strange.
She made me feel inconsiderate and bitchy, which she pretty much always does when we have these...things.
I think it pretty much boils down to her and I being very different people and having trouble dealing with that. At some point I just stopped replying to the letters, simply because I knew that I'd go nasty on her, if I didn't and there was no reason for that.
She's got a ton of issues and I probably do, as well and honestly, I just couldn't be bothered, anymore. This had been going on most of the day and it really did affect me a lot. Made me frustrated and hurt, so I figured it was better to just leave it.
Then later, I talked to another friend...and I have to admit that I do have a major crush on her.
She lost a good friend and even though I knew it'd be hard for me to hear about, because I've always been horribly jealous of said friend, I talked to her about it. Or listened, rather.
I was going nuts, man. My friend kept saying things that made the fucking green monster in my head think that what they had was more than friendship, even if her friend has a girlfriend, who was the cause for the break.
I kept going over conversations that I've had with my friend, where she was complaining a bit over her friend (and yes, we all do that from time to time, I know that) and it just felt like all of that were lies to make me calm down and stop being jealous. Then I felt guilty for doubting my friend, just to go right back to feeling jealous.
Seriously, I was driving myself nuts, to the point where I just wanted to cry.
But yeah, I listened...and then I went to bed, knowing that I was gonna have a hard time falling asleep, because my brain just wouldn't turn off and stop going over everything and picking it apart to find something that would justify my jealousy.
At some point, I made a comment on Twitter about it, simply to try and get it out of my brain...and a minute later, I got a text from my friend, telling me that I had nothing to worry about and stuff like that.
Made me smile again and we spend like half an hour, texting.
I know that my friend and I have talked about this 'till we turned blue in the face, man and I know that we're trying to keep it real, but somehow I think my friend is a lot better at that, than I am.
And she claims that she's got the green monster, as well but that she's just much better at hiding it. Sometimes, I wish she wasn't, you know?
I know, how it feels to lose a friend and I know it hurts and I know I have to get over myself and be a friend to her and I will.
I will listen, be a friend and try to hide the fact that I'm driving myself nuts, even if she knows anyway.
I'm still feeling a bit insecure and overthinking stuff, but I'm sure that once I get to work, I'll get my mind off things and feel better when I get home.
Truth is..I love her a lot. Yeah, I know some of it, is probably a fantasy we're having and we've talked about that, but even so..she's my best friend and it'd crush me to lose her.
Yes, I know...I'm being pessimistic, paranoid and jealous and I shouldn't. It's not like I can do anything, even if I'm meant to lose her, so I shouldn't even worry about it, unless it becomes relevant.
No matter what..it's my job to be a friend to her and I wasn't a very good one, last night. I promise, I'll do better because she's always there for me, when I need to vent and I will be there for her, as well.
I mean, *shrug* I love her...of course, I'll be there.

Late shift today, which I hate...and only two days of work. I'll be fine. I just need to get my mind off things and get over myself.

Pouring shit out.

2009-10-28T12:47:00.001+01:00

I'm feeling a lot, these days. Mostly negative stuff, if I'm honest.
I feel insanely jealous of the tiniest things, I feel inferior to my friends, I feel like I should leave LPV (not that I ever could!) because I'm not really doing any good on there, anyway and Nat's the one doing everything, coming up with new ideas and writing long-assed fanfics with people.
I feel infuriated towards people who hasn't done anything to me and don't deserve my anger and I feel annoyed that I can't write anything remotely interesting.
And then there's another part of me that's like 'Pfft! You're too fucking old for this bullshit! You shouldn't give a flying fuck about long-assed fanfictions or who's writing with who or who writes what in their replies to threads on the board. And you certainly shouldn't give a fuck about fanfiction! It's not like you're that into the band, these days, anyway. You're acting like a fucking teenager and it's ridiculous!'.
And I know, it's true. I'm 33 fucking years old and should have better things to do with my time than worry about fanfiction or which teenager is annoying the crap out of me, today.
Don't get me wrong; I love my RPGs so much and I would never turn my back on them or the people I'm writing with.
But sometimes, it just seems ridiculous, you know?
According to 'standard', I should be out looking for a man to marry (*gag*) or a boyfriend, at least. The problem is...yeah, I miss having a boyfriend, sometimes....someone to cuddle up with on the couch, someone to go to the fucking zoo with or some other ridiculously romantic bullshit, like it...but on the other hand, I really can't be bothered, you know?
Getting to know someone...that takes a war...and figuring out if you're in love or not..and knowing me, I'd probably scare them off within a couple of weeks...and it just seems like too much of an effort.
I don't want to open up to someone new. I feel too much and I feel like I'm too fucking complicated, needy and annoying for anyone to actually -want- to get to know me.
I wish that someone would just walk in and blow my mind, you know? Tell me that they see through all the bullshit and tough talking and know that I'm a fucking mess...that I'm fucking scared and frustrated and that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. That everyone feels like that, sometimes. That everyone feels needy and clingy and fucking insecure about every little thing, sometimes and that it's okay.
I know the real world doesn't work like that, though and I know that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen.
On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone, just to feel normal or complete, you know?
And I want to get out of this fucking fantasy I have in my head, too! Some days, I'm okay and know...this is imaginary, most likely and we're just friends and I have no issues.
Other days...most days, actually...I feel extremely possessive and needy, wanting nothing more than to be told what I need to hear...that I'm loved and that I'm....well, the only one, for lack of a better term..and then when I don't get that...I go pissy and bitchy, even if I know that I can't expect people to fucking read my mind.
Sometimes, I try to pull back and be a little distant, simply to protect myself...but then something cute happens and I'm sucked right back into the whole mess.
And yeah, I know that the mess is in my head because I think and feel too fucking much, all the time..but sometimes, it's just so difficult to get rid of, you know?
Also, I think the whole mess with grandpa is eating me more than I let on. It's not like I go around feeling bad that he's gonna die, because I'm rather okay with the fact that none of us will survive life.
I think it's more the fact that it's so stressful, right now, you know? My mom's a mess and completely stressed out, driving to see him every day, because she wants to be there, when it happens, even if I tell her that they will call us if there's any change.
I know, it'll be messy once he's gone, setting up the funeral and all that and I know that my mom's gonna need my support and that I'll give it to her.
I don't even think I'll cry when he's gone, simply because he's in so much agony right now, I know it'll be a release for him to let go of life, not to mention the fact that I've never been close to him...not even as a kid and he spend so many years of his life, being this nasty and mean man that I really didn't want to be around.
I'm trying to keep it real, but I think it's actually stressing me out a lot more than I thought it would.

Anyway, today I have work and mom's letting me borrow the car, so I don't have to leave early and come home late, so I'm happy about that.
When I go home tomorrow night, I'll have 12 days off and I'll actually have some real life things to do, which I think will be good for me.
It'll probably mean that there will be days, where I won't get on MSN...which is not necessarily a bad thing...but I'll reply to my RPGs, as much as I can. I can't just ignore those, lol.

Ramble.

2009-10-20T10:22:00.001+02:00

So I was feeling pretty weird last night. On one hand, I really didn't feel like being online and I was not very talkative, to say the least, but on the other; I was feeling needy and unloved.
I was such a mess that when Nat left to meet Isaac for the first time, I almost wanted to cry.
I'm so lame, man. I barely spoke to her, all night and then she leaves and I'm a mess; feeling abandoned and alone.
Again, I was having the whole this-is-how-I-think-and-feel-and-you-should-too attitude and it really does piss me off.
Again, I was unenthusiastic and a bitch, when she told me that Eli had her baby, it was a boy and he'd be named Isaac.
Why is it that I do that? Why is it that when I'm feeling weird/like crap, I can't even be happy or excited for other people? And especially Nat, who means so much to me.
No one's asking me to jump up and down, clapping my hands over Eli and Isaac because I don't know them, but a little more than 'cool' would really be awesome.

I know why I was feeling like that and it's something that I constantly try to get rid of. Sometimes, it works and sometimes, like last night, it doesn't.
I can't help the way I feel, but I swear that I try to minimize it or at least hide it, because it's really not cool, at all.
I try to tell myself that I shouldn't feel like that, because I really do not have any right to and it -has- gotten better...a lot better, actually. But sometimes, it just overwhelms me and I can't help myself.

So yeah..that was last night...now, it's a new day and even though I'm not feeling 100%, just yet...I got my period and I have a staff meeting that I really don't feel like going to...I'm gonna be in a better mood, today, simply because it's too fucking draining to feel like I did, last night.
So...on to charging my iPod and shower, because I have to get on the bus in two hours.

Out of Ashes

2009-10-16T00:18:00.001+02:00

Okay, so I got Chester's album today and right now, I'm listening to it for the second time.
I have to admit that...overall...I like it a lot. Now, my view on Chester hasn't really changed, but if I don't think about all that crap, here are my thoughts on the album.
I won't do the rating with x/10, because I couldn't decide, even if I wanted to, but I'm just gonna make some notes about what I think and feel when I hear each song.

1. Fire
I like the lyrics and the song in general is very catchy. It only takes two listens to get most of the lyrics down and I like that, a lot.
Chester's voice sounds awesome and considering that he wrote this and one or two other songs in 8 hours, I think it's really good.
The only bad thing about it, is that it'll bore me pretty easily because it gets repetitive towards the end and it'll probably end up being one of those songs that I skip.

2. Crawl Back In
This was the first song I (and everyone else) heard from the album, before it came out.
I love the lyrics. I think most of us can relate to them, at least at some points in our life. I also love the 'roughness' of Chester's voice. It's what he does, isn't it?
Sadly this, too, gets a little repetitive, but it's definitely one of those songs that I'll dig out, when I feel like crap, just like I do with Breaking The Habit.

3. Too Late
I really, really like this one. Chester's voice is -amazing- on it and the lyrics gives me chills and makes the hairs on my arms stand up.
Definitely one I'll be destroying by singing along as loud as I possibly can, when driving, lol. I have a soft spot for soft rock ballads and this one is definitely one of my favorites.
Love the guitars and it's just... Fuck it, it makes me wanna fucking hug Chester!

4. Inside Of Me
I absolutely love the layering on this one and what stands out, to me, even if the rest of the songs probably do the same...is how melodic Chester's voice is, even when he's pretty much screaming.
That's something that always amazed me about him. I usually have issues with his screaming, but this one has just the right amount of screaming.
Very honest song.

5. Let Down
This song moved me to tears, the first time I heard the acoustic version of it and it made my heart bleed for Chester and everything that happened to him.
I have to admit that I prefer the acoustic version, but the lyrics still hit me right in my heart.
Is that Ryan interfering the singing, though? That's a bit annoying. Let Chester sing this one alone, dude.
Very powerful song, although I don't think Chester's able to portray the same emotions on the album version as he does on the acoustic version.

6. Give Me Your Name
Okay, I'm sorry. I know this is supposed to be all romantic and written for Talinda and whatnot, but it simply makes my skin crawl and it makes me want to hurt things.
It's like...was Chester high when he wrote this? 'Yeah, on love' *rolls eyes*. It seems to me like he just morphed into a member of New Kids On The Block, for a moment, there.
I don't even like his voice on it. The falsetto is just...ick. After my skin is done crawling and I've destroyed the biggest tree around, it makes me fall asleep. Definitely one I'll be skipping...a lot. I probably won't even learn the lyrics to this one, to the point of me being able to sing along.
So boring, so cheesy and not very amazing, at all.

7. My Suffering
Now this is the Chester, I like to hear. Aggressive and in-your-fucking-face! Even if it gets a bit repetitive, like Fire and Crawl Back In, I can forgive that, simply because the lyrics are fucking awesome and Chester's doing exactly what he became so famous for, with his voice.

8. Condemned
I...don't know what it is about this song, but it rubs me the wrong way. It seems like the lyrics doesn't fit with the melody. I'll probably like this song, if I'm in a horrible, horrible mood, but other than that, it just annoys the hell out of me.
Too much non-melodic screaming, maybe? I think that's part of it, anyway. I love Chester's melodic screaming, but this seems like he's just trying too damn hard and it just becomes screaming for the sake of screaming.

9. Into You
Probably my absolute favorite on the album. Nice soft and emotional voice from Mr. Bennington and nice instruments - rock, but not too much so they don't fit the lyrics.
Very cute lyrics. Makes me wish that I'd find a love like that. Good job, Ches.

10. End of the World.
Love the drums. Good song, good voice. Not mindblowing song, though, simply because it seems to me that Chester's lyrics are about the crisis and other bad things, we hear when we turn on the TV/radio/internet/whatever.
It's not a bad song and I might grow to love it as I listen to it more, but right now, it doesn't make me listen in awe.

11. Walking In Circles
Love Chester's voice on this one. I interpret this one to be about loneliness, when you're in a crowd and it touches me, although I don't think I could explain how, if my life depended on it.
Particularly love the line 'screaming silence', simply because it's so...not possible, lol. I don't know. I think this one touches the black side of my soul and the lonely, vulnerable girl, inside.

12. Into The Darkness
Heh, I love that Chester wrote a song like this. Now, I could be totally wrong and people could tell me to just get my mind out of the gutter, but this seems to be written about making love to someone, you share an epic love with.
And also to be accepted 100% by that person and having that person teach you how to make the most of things and appreciate life, again, not to mention the difficult task it is to surrender completely to someone.
I don't get the weird moaning-thing in the beginning, though. That's a bit annoying.
It's a little bit boring, if I'm honest, but also kinda sweet.

So yeah. Overall a good album that I'll be listening a lot to, when I need something -not- Grey Daze or Linkin Park.
You were right, Chester; these songs, minus Condemned maybe, are not Linkin Park songs and even if I was a bitch to you in my previous entry, I think you did a really good job with this album.
Thanks for letting us see inside your heart a little. Although, next time...put the lyrics in the booklet, okay?

Dear Chester,

2009-10-13T09:23:00.001+02:00

I feel like I should get everything out of my system, once and for all.

Let me start by saying that I respect you as a musician and for the talent you hold in that department, you're one of my favorite singers and I love you when you're hanging out with Mike and being silly fuckers.

That said, I have a whole other set of feelings towards you as a person, these days.
Who the fuck do you think you are, talking about your son's mother like that, huh?!
Have a little more respect than that, you fucking teenager!
I get that you could be talking about how you -felt- about her and not necessarily how you feel about her now, but that doesn't mean you have to shout it from the damn rooftops!
It seems like lately you're becoming more and more immature and fucking mean.
Calling someone 'insane' or 'spawn of the devil' is not really a mature way of dealing with things, now is it?!
I don't give a flying fuck as to whether or not you felt like that about Sam at one point or another, I'm sure her feelings towards you are/were anything but warm and I get that divorces are usually not the nicest things in the world, but that doesn't mean that you have to talk about it in every single fucking interview that you do.
You could just have said 'Yeah, this song is about the feelings I was going through, when I was divorcing my ex-wife.' or something like that. You don't have to be so fucking graphic, all the time!
And about you insinuating that everything was her fault...is the worst load of bullshit, I've ever heard in my life, man!
You always have choices, Chester! Always. I get that you had a rough childhood with the abuse and whatnot. Really, I get that and I get that you chose to turn to drugs and alcohol to deal with that.
But that's a choice you made, not Sam. You both chose to get married and have Draven. You chose to be in Linkin Park and I can totally understand that Sam didn't want to come with you on tour.
She wasn't a trophy wife like Talinda is! I'm sure that Sam knew that travelling around the world with an infant or toddler is not the best idea and not the coolest environment for a child, not to mention that I'm sure that she had her own job and life and didn't feel like sacrificing that for you.
I wouldn't either.
And if you cheated on her....I'm even more embarrassed for you. I don't give a flying fuck what your excuses are or how lonely you felt or whatever. NOTHING makes cheating okay. Nothing!
If you weren't happy and saw a chance of that in Talinda, you should've ended your marriage with Sam before acting on anything because technically...you were already cheating mentally.
You made choices, Chester. Some with Samantha and some without. Stop blaming everyone else for your misery, grow the fuck up and take some responsibility.
I was so proud of you back when you talked about the abuse and said that it was determination that had gotten you through it and now...I think that was complete bullshit.
Sam, Talinda, drugs, alcohol and music got you through it. I think you're incapable of being alone. I think you need that crutch to lean on and I think you need that trophy wife, who will carry your children and give up her life and personality to bend over backwards to worship the ground you walk on.
I think it's so, so, so sad.
I hate to say it, but my honest opinion of you is that I think you're an asshole. I don't know if it's because you're hanging out with Ryan and Amir, so much or if it's because Talinda worships you and everything you do and say, but you need to change your fucking attitude and stop hating so much.
My conclusion is that if you still feel all these negative feelings towards Sam and the past you share, you haven't moved on even a little bit.
I voiced my opionion about this to Sam and whether or not it's true, she said that you can hate and that it's your choice, even if it is sad, but that it doesn't affect her much.
That's moving on, Chester! Not talking about her like that. Did you ever consider how Draven might feel when he hears his father talk about his mother like that?
Try using your brain, Chester and think things through, before you open your mouth.
I want someone to glue your lips together, these days, because it feels like every time you open your mouth.....crap pours out.

Not much love, at all

Mickey

All over the place.

2009-10-10T12:02:00.000+02:00

Yeah, so I haven't blogged in ages and ages and today, I can't seem to stop.

I'm sick of my job. Well, no not my job, per se, but more like...my boss is a fucking weak bitch, who has to go ballistic and give us ultimatums as if we were kids, just because we challenge her and don't just bow and do as we're told.
First, it was the whole splitting-Illona-and-I-up thing. She didn't give me any good arguments, she just went 'Well, because I want it to be like that!'.
Okay, bitch...do I look 4, to you?!
And then on the 28th at our meeting, she went 'Well, if you don't want to take bloodsugars, then you can't have the nightshift at Tolleruphøj!'.
*blink* Okay, then. Well, what would you do if all of your nightshifts came to you and said 'find us dayshifts because we can't do the bloodsugar'?!
I'm sorry. I can't even be bothered to go into details because it just pisses me off to the point of me actually wanting to slap her across the face.
Damn this fucking financial crises to the eternal boilers of fucking hell, man. If I could, I'd go quit immediately and go back to working as a temp, but no, I can't do that because the cities are not allowed to use temps because they're too fucking expensive and there are no shifts to get.
Ugh! I hate being so fucking frustrated and not being able to do anything about it.
Fuck this, maybe I should ask Marianne if they're lacking any nightshifts in Egedal. That way, I'd get out, too and not be stuck inside.
I don't know. I have to find some solution to this.

Copy cat.

2009-10-10T11:10:00.001+02:00

Yep, that's me.
Read Nat's blog and decided to copy her, because I'm breaking up with a few shows, myself.

1. Ghost Whisperer. I used to love this show so much, maybe because I actually believe in ghosts. Not that some people can talk to them and all that, but definitely ghosts.
But after they killed Jim and then made his soul go into some random guy, it just became too weird.
I could sorta have lived with Jim dying and Melinda moving on in some way or whatever, but the whole body-possession is just too much.

2. CSI Las Vegas. I hate breaking up with this show. I loved this show so so so much and then William Petersen had to leave. He was the heart and soul in that show. It's not because I don't like Laurence Fishbourne, because he's really good and I do, sometimes, watch this show, but it's just not the same without Gil Grissom, I'm sorry.

3. House. *deep sigh!* I love Dr. House so much. I love Hugh Laurie -as- Dr. House so much. I have to admit that I still watch this show...when I remember. When House lost Chase, Cameron and Foreman, the show just lost something. I know. They're still there and Foreman's actually working directly with House, still and Chase and Cameron are at the same hospital, but it's really just not the same.
I kinda like 'thirteen' from the new crew, but I think it's only the fact that she's got Huntington's Chorea that makes her interesting.
I don't know. I have a feeling that I'll end up quitting this show altogether.

Then, on the other hand, I have a new show that I'm loving but not sure if I'll get completely obsessed with.
I think I've actually lossed my obsessive streak both when it comes to music and TV, if I'm honest.
But yeah, my new show is called 'Dark Blue'.

Oh yeah. I stopped following Amir Derakh and Ryan Shuck from Dead By Sunrise, last night.
They actually (in my opinion) made asses out of themselves by talking shit about Obama getting Nobel's peace prize.
And yeah, I have to admit that when I heard Obama was to get it, I was like 'Huh? Really?', but even so, there's no need to be assholes about it and they just disappointed me so much.
What a couple of arrogant jerk-offs, man. I mean, yeah, they're entitled to their opinion, but they should really learn from Mike and Chester.
They have never really made any clear statements about their political views.
Yeah, you can sorta hint that they're for Obama and all, but they've never really come out and said it.
Ryan and Amir have a lot to learn.
Yeah, I also got rid of Talinda and Church. Church because he's also stated some idiotic things and he's entitled to that because he's (as far as I know) not famous and just a friend of Chester's, but I really think he's an idiot and an ignorant one at that.
And Talinda...well, I just don't like her and her shallow and fucking fake personality...or lack of same.

Dream

2009-09-21T11:03:00.001+02:00

I dreamt that I was visiting Nat. For some reason, she didn't pick me up at the airport (which seemed more like a train station, actually) and I tried calling her, as I walked down some street.
She didn't pick up (she really hearts me, huh? lol), but before I knew it, there was her house, like a 5 minute walk from the airport/station thing.
I knocked and when she opened the door, we hugged while she apologized for not picking me up.
Apparently, I wasn't going to stay that long and the only thing I remember from being there, was some random guy, who was annoying the shit out of me, because I was there to visit my friend and he was in the way, all the time, lol.
For some reason, I remember us putting on mascara (?) and then suddenly (it felt like it was just the next day) it was time for me to go home.
I don't know why, but Nat didn't even say goodbye. She was locked up in her room, when I left and I couldn't get her to come out and see me off, so I made the short walk back to the airport/station thing and went home.
Not really a good visit, at all, if I'm honest, lol. The only good thing was that her house was small and there were no parental units of any kind. But man, that guy annoyed the crap outta me, lol!
I don't know how long I was there for, but it seemed like it was less than 24 hours, which sucked in itself.

...yes, I have weird dreams, lol.

insert clever title here

2009-09-20T11:07:00.001+02:00

I really need to stop this negativity, man.
It's dragging me down and I hate that. And the worst thing is that it all roots in my damn insecurities.
I do notice when people do something for me, simply to try and cheer me up and it -does- cheer me up, but there's just a little voice inside saying 'they're only doing it to avoid conflict', which is complete bullshit, because people aren't like that.
I'm the first to boost someone's ego, if I think they're amazing, but when other people do it, it annoys me.
Weird, huh?
The last few days, my positive attitude has crumbled and I've actually unleashed my inner bitch a few times, which I don't like all that much.
I mean, yeah, it's fun in the situation and it's not that I regret what I do/say, but I just realize that it's really not worth it and that I'm really not a nice person, when the mood strikes.
I guess, I just have to go back and visit Sam's blog again, because that woman is seriously inspiring and I wish I could be even half as good as she is.
Okay, yeah, she's a bit of a flake and I'm not really into the whole healing-thing, but she's got a positive outlook on life and I love that.
It's so weird how I didn't like her, at all, while she was married to Chester, but after she's been on Twitter, I guess she's just shown a little bit of herself, which we didn't get to see while they were married and she's actually an awesome person.
Unlike Talinda, I feel like Sam is real. Like what she says, she actually means, because she really doesn't have to keep up appearances in any way. People can take it or leave it, whereas (and this is my own personal thoughts that may not have a place in the real world, I might add) Talinda still has Chester's 'image' to think of.
I can't explain what it is, but to me, Talinda seems fake and shallow, whereas Sam seems honest and like she doesn't care what people think of her.
Ah well, this wasn't supposed to be about Sam and Talinda.

I gotta get my positivity back and soon. I shouldn't let little things get to me and I should be happy when other people get praise, especially because I know they deserve it.
So...Dear Negativity, please get out of my life. I don't need you. You're bad for me and I will work on making it so there's no room for you, in my life. Sincerely, Mickey.

Ohhh the drama of it all!

2009-09-19T09:26:00.003+02:00

Our sewers are fixed! How fucking great is that? We only need to do some cement thing and we're DONE!
Of course, then there's the bill and that's probably gonna be scary as fuck, but at least we have no more rats.

I've been sick since tuesday. My back got fucked up when I was helping Frank dig out for the sewer.
It turns out it's my sciatias that's fucked and now I'm seeing a physical therapist, doing exercises and whatnot.
I have a course on wednesday, thursday and friday (during the day from like 9am til 3pm) and I'm hoping that I'll be able to go to that because it's really a good, good thing, so I can stop making all those wrong movements.

I still need to talk to Kate about when she'll be in London, so I can try and see if I can fly over to meet her.
I can't believe that she's been my online friend for around 8 years. It's a little bit crazy.

Which actually brings me to something funny that happened last night. Only proves to me that people care way too much about the whole online thing.
Talinda was tweeting some of her flaky shit about people not being as nice as they claim or whatever and I said 'Oh please spare me the pocket psychology' or something like that.
...and Trixi went off. I was like...what the fuck? I wasn't talking about you! The world does NOT revolve around you, for crying out loud!
Anyway, I decided to unfollow her because I've been sick of her 'OMG, Chester Bennington is SOOOOOO fucking awesome and beautiful and smart and talented! TEAM BENNINGTON!!! YAY!!! Ryan Shuck is like THE most beautiful and smart man on the face of the fucking planet!! And Amir is like sooooo amazing and I just wanna fucking die over him!!' kinda tweets for a while now.
Then she went on rambling about how she doesn't care that I unfollow her (which is complete bullshit, because if she didn't, she wouldn't even have confronted me about it) but that I should've been honest with her and told her that her tweets were pissing me off.
Sure, darling. 'Yes, could you please stop being such a fucking annoying fangirl, because it's doing my head in.'
Don't think so, right? I have no right to ask people to stop tweeting this or that and nor would I want to.
I'd go ballistic if someone told me something like that and tell them to fuck off, if they don't like it, so I'd never do something like that.
But she kept on rambling about how I should've been honest with her and then I was.
God, it went on and on and I was just yawning through the whole thing and chuckling every now and then, too, if I'm honest.
I don't get why people get so worked up over something like that, man. It's just a name on a screen and it just...shouldn't matter.
Then later on, one of her so called friends (who's 34, married with kids, by the way and should have more important things going on than some lame drama on Twitter) freaked out because I blocked her.
I never spoke with her. She followed me and I blocked her, because I didn't want her to.
It's my prerogative to block or unfollow anyone I please and everyone else has the same prerogative.
And all of this...because I commented on Talinda's tweet, lol.
But yeah, it was amusing, while it lasted but now...we move on. To me, this is over and done with and it really wasn't life-altering in any way.

Today..I ought to go in and sell bottles and stuff, but it's saturday and people are fucking crazy on saturday mornings, when shopping.
Yeah, think I'm gonna do that on monday when I go see grandpa, anyway.
I have some laundry to take care of and I might just dye my hair, simply because I'm getting dark roots and I hate that.
I think I wanna change my layout, too. This pink, girly shit is pissing me off and I need to change it.
And now...I'm hungry and better get out of bed, I guess.

Ranting.

2009-09-14T11:04:00.003+02:00

So I had a talk with Bekka, yesterday. About Phoenix being on Twitter and all.
Seriously, the man is a jerk. He's just plain rude and obnoxious and he actually pisses me off.
I get that he's sarcastic a lot and normally I love sarcasm and use it a lot, myself, but there's a difference between making a sarcastic joke and just being sarcastic, because you can.
I cannot remember I've seen Dave tweet one single positive thing. Every single time, he's either bitching about Kanye West (okay, I haven't seen the VMAs, so I don't know what Kanye did) or he's making sarcastic comments to fans who ask him questions or comment on his tweets and it's pissing me off.
I'm not saying he should have his tongue up our asses and I know that some fans are just downright fucking annoying, but come on. We -are-, after all, the people who buy your damn records, which means we're basically paying for your house, car and whatnot, so the least you could do was have just a tiny bit of respect and at least be nice to people.
I'm surprised, actually. I always figured that Joe was the asshole of the band, but it turns out that Phoenix is right up there with him.
And now for Chester. Seriously, that man never seizes to make me drop my jaw.
Talinda posted a picture of him getting yet another tattoo and stated that the next one will be a portrait of her.
I mean....seriously?!
Let me start by saying that I love Chester. I love his talent for music, I love his voice and I love his looks, but goddamn, he's a fucking moron and completely naive, man.
I seriously wanna slap him over the head. I don't care that he's been married to Talinda for 4 years now. You -do not- get portraits tattooed on your body. Okay, I could go with it, if he said that he was getting his kids done or something, but his wife? Please.
I mean, he doesn't exactly have a good track-record when it comes to women, does he? Sam has clearly stated that he cheated on her, back in the day and he married Talinda like the day after his divorce from Sam was over (exaggeration clarifies things, right?).
In my opinion, he clearly cheated on Sam with Talinda and I'm sorry...but even though I love him, I'm convinced that he won't stay married to Talinda. I predict that within 10 years, they'll be divorced.
Not because I want bad things for Chester, because I'd be happy if he proved me wrong. I just think that he's so easily bored that he'll eventually (if he isn't already) cheat on Talinda and I also want to vomit with all their showing-the-world-how-very-much-in-love-we-are. I'm just saying that if they were completely secure in their relationship, they wouldn't have the need to show the world, like they do.
Look at Mike and Anna. Much more mature and calm and they don't have the need to be on Twitter, displaying their relationship.
Anyway, it just feels fake to me and I can't even believe that Talinda agreed to let him have a portrait of her, permanently inked on his body.
I would never allow something like that, because no one can predict the future and it's just moronic and very naive.
I swear, he acts like a fucking 15 year old with a damn crush, man.
Not to mention my own selfish reason, which is that I won't enjoy him shirtless, if I have to look at Talinda's face, every time he takes his shirt off.
And no, let me clarify, it has nothing to do with jealousy because even if I find him hot, I wouldn't want anything to do with him. Chances are that I'd want to knock his lights out within the first hour of talking to him.
But yeah: getting your wife's face inked on your body, is just moronic, Chester. Sorry, but it is.

And that concludes my ranting for today.

Paranoia!

2009-09-10T10:10:00.003+02:00

So grandpa got an apartment at a nursery home, which is very cool. Finally, he can have some peace and quiet.
We don't know when we'll be moving him, just yet, but I hope it'll be soon.
My cousin's getting married next saturday and I hope we can go. It's so weird because she's always said that she would never get married.
I guess it's a matter of finding the right person, huh?

Other than that, I'm feeling a little odd, today. Maybe, I'm just being paranoid because some of my co-workers were feeling off, yesterday.
And of course, there's the whole influenza A thing, roaming my brain. I cannot get that, man. I have a mom with a very bad lung disease and if she catches that flu, it would be....well, very, very, very bad.
I just have to think of something else and not get sick.
I know, it could just be a cold or whatever, but I'm a little paranoid, still.

Anyway, I'm working from 2-10 today, so I should go get ready.

It's a girl!!

2009-09-09T09:17:00.003+02:00

Yes, I decided to change my layout and I'm afraid, I went a little girly on y'all.
I do apologize and assure you that I'll probably get sick of these colors pretty quick, but for now....it's pink. Deal with it. I do, lol.

Dead By Sunrise - Crawl Back In video

2009-09-05T10:39:00.001+02:00

....what does that have to do with muffins?

2009-08-31T16:12:00.003+02:00

So.. starting off with what every Linkin Park fan has been spazzing about the last 24 hours: the first pictures of Mike Shinoda's kid was finally published.
I'm so happy for Mike and Anna and I salute them for keeping it a secret that Anna was pregnant and gave birth, because even if rumors have been up around the internet, nothing has been for sure, until the pictures from Glorious Excess (Dies) was published and the kid doesn't exactly look like a new-born.
The only thing bothering me (even if it's absolutely none of my business, whatsoever), is the name. Seriously, Mike? Otis Shinoda?
I'm so hoping that there's a deeper meaning behind that name, because honestly? It's a dog's name, not to mention it reminds me of that fat dude, working for Lex Luthor in the original Superman movies.
It's just another addition to the long list of celebrities naming their kids something horrible, even if it's not as bad as Apple or Moses or whatever. It's just a bad name, man. Not to mention that when you pronounce it, it sounds like Otishinoda, unless you actually pause between the first and the last name.
Don't get me wrong; the kid is cute and all (big, though, huh?)and I couldn't be happier that Mr. Shinoda is finally a daddy and not just 'uncle Mike', but the name is just bad, man.

Other than that, we've had the sewer guys out today and thankfully, the damage wasn't -as- bad as we all initially thought, though it was bad enough.
Now, we're awaiting the 'judgment' from the insurance, to hear how much of it, they'll pay for.
Of course, we'd like for them to cover it all, but sadly, there's this 30 year rule that prevents them from doing that.
So for now, because of this uncertainty about the money issue, my trip to the states have been put on hold, for the time being, simply because I might have to use some of the money, I saved up to help pay for this crap.
This makes me incredibly sad, because I was really looking forward to that trip. But, I have to keep Nat's words in mind that 'just because we have to postpone it, doesn't mean it won't happen, at all', because that is true; I -am- going to the states at some point, but it might not happen in May, next year.
Of course, I'm already stressing out and overthinking everything; that maybe I'll just go two weeks later in the year, so there'll be a week in Memphis and maybe a week in Tempe.
But I don't know what will happen yet, so I have to remain calm and just accept that it's on hold for now.

Next week, we're starting the 'experiment' of us getting to work at 2pm, every now and then and frankly, I can't wait to see how that goes.
It means that I'll take the bus at 12.30pm, but that I'll leave work at 10pm and be home by the time, I normally get out, so I'm sure, I'll be excited about that.
I'll have to get to work at 2, every thursday and every other weekend that I'm working.

So my life... is pretty weird right now, or so it seems to me, anyway and the fact that I can't really turn off my brain, except when asleep, is driving me a little nuts, but thankfully I can just turn on my computer and I start focusing on other things, for a little while, at least.

Mike versus Dave

2009-08-24T15:02:00.004+02:00

So two of our guys, Kenji and Phoenix, are having this online 'war'.
It's all about which is more lame; blogging or twittering (to use Mike's word) and to be perfectly honest, I think Phoenix finds both pretty lame and Mike probably don't really care, as long as he's not forced on Twitter, lol.
Anyway, Mike made this funny looking banner, which I've put up here in the top right corner, even if it doesn't exactly match my layout (and no, I'm not changing it to something pink 8P).
I have to admit that between the two, I'm totally on Mike's side. Don't get me wrong, Phi is cool and all, but he just doesn't really do it for me, in any way.
But because it'd look stupid to have 39382873493 fans on Twitter with the same picture of Mike as their avatar, I decided to go with a banner, Illara made for LPC that has both guys on it.

Today, we moved grandpa into the nursing home. We were with him from 9am until noon and were at the nursing home with him for 1½ hours.
...He just called my mom and told her that he has moved into the nursing home. He simply doesn't remember that we were there, poor thing.
I hope the cancer does what it does, in a very short period of time.

Daughtry - Open Up Your Eyes

2009-08-23T19:25:00.002+02:00

I hope it works. It's such an amazing song.

Random stuff.

2009-08-19T12:08:00.003+02:00

So the past week has been rough. Like I said in my previous post, Pierre was put down last monday.
That week was horrible, to be honest. I decided to buy cigarettes, after I left the vet, which was a huge mistake, I might add.
Tuesday went alright. I smoked the last around 10am and didn't smoke for the rest of that day.
Then came wednesday and work. Man, I felt so horrible and just wanted to hide under my covers, so I bought cigarettes when I went to work.
I've pretty much been smoking since and I'm actually hating myself for it, because I had gone almost 3 months without it and the first pack I smoked tasted horribly.
Right now, I'm not making myself any promises because I will hate myself even more, if I don't keep them.
I'm going to work in a few hours and all I know, is that I won't be bringing my cigarettes to work, with me.
And I also know that I'll quit again, and before I go to the states, too.
I really have no excuse, but only the explanation that I was feeling horrible and decided to smoke because I felt sorry for myself. Lame, definitely, but nevertheless the only explanation, I've got.
My co-workers keep telling me that I shouldn't be so apologetic about smoking again, because I'm an adult and that it's my decision and I know they're right, but that doesn't make me feel any less as a failure.
But yeah, as of today, I won't be smoking at work and the rest....well, I'll see what happens and keep you updated.
I still miss my dog, but at least it's not as bad as it was last week, so that's a good thing.
And I'm starting to see the positive things about not having a dog.....as cold as that makes me sound.

On a different, but lighter note....Nat went back to Memphis, yesterday which meant, from a very selfish point of view... that I had to be on my computer without her for an entire day.
We texted each other like crazy, the entire day and that will probably cost me a fucking fortune, but that's just too bad.
Next month will be horrible, anyway, money-wise because of the huge vet-bill.
But yeah, like last year, I felt like Nat was returning home to me, which I know is complete bullshit, because d'uh, she's in Memphis and not Denmark.
But yeah, for some reason, I always feel extremely mushy when she's traveling and I'm sure that I sometimes make her wanna vomit, a little, lol.

Other than that, I've started talking to a guy from a dating site. Lol, I'm so weird. He's nice and all, but he's not a potential anything, except for friend, for now.
He's been single for 7 years and I have been for 8, so we've decided that we're not gonna talk as if we're going to date or anything, because we really don't know if we will.
We talk via texts and on MSN, but it's not something that happens every single day and that suits me fine, because the last thing I need is some clingy guy who thinks I'm his true love after 5 texts and two talks on MSN.
Also, I've already told him about my plans of going to see Nat, next year, so even if something should happen, he'll know that in advance, because I'm not canceling that trip for some random guy.
But it's cool, because he travels a lot, as well and is planning to go to Australia some time, next year, so that's pretty cool.
So yeah, things seem to be working out alright for me, right now, well apart from the smoking.

And I postponed updating because I didn't think that I had anything to say, lol.

The suckiest day in a long time.

2009-08-11T17:02:00.004+02:00

So yesterday pretty much sucked beyond belief.
Pierre was put down.
A couple of years ago, he was bitten half to death by the dog next door - a golden retriever and he sustained massive injury to his left hind leg, had a bunch of stitches and was pretty much a mess for a long time.
He seemed to recover, however and the vet said that he'd probably just have issues with big dogs, which he did.
That, however, was something I chose that he could live with, as long as he wouldn't have any other mental or physical issues, which the vet didn't think he would.
For the longest time, he seemed fine. Yeah, when he'd been out for a long walk, his leg would be sore, but it wasn't too bad, and he would still be all crazed, if you threw a ball for him to fetch.
But all that changed like.... 3 months ago, or so. Suddenly, he stopped bringing me his toys so I could throw them, he'd start limping when he'd been for a long walk and he'd randomly scream and whine, if he made a wrong move with his left hind leg.
For a while, I figured that he was just being a bit hysterical. He's always been the kind of dog that would seek your sympathy and enjoy the attention.
But finally, it started worrying me so much that I called and made an appointment at the vet's.
He took a look at him and noticed that Pierre's left leg was a bit more stiff, but that it seemed alright, other than that.
He made a test and Pierre seemed to be a little numb around his spine, near the leg, but the vet didn't think it was anything to be worried about, though I got very worried when I saw him not reacting to the needle to his skin in that area.
The vet was very serious when telling me that he would give him a couple of shots with various medicines and then I'd get some antibiotics for him. If that didn't help, he informed, we'd have to try something else and if -that- didn't work, we should probably start considering what type of life, Pierre was having (I knew what that meant).
I told him that in that case, there'd be no discussion because I refuse to have my dog suffer, just because it'll hurt me to put him down and I refuse to have a dog that needs to have medicine every single day for the rest of his life, just to make it bearable for him.
We tried the two different drugs and it worked while Pierre was getting them, however two days after he'd stopped, it be back to the same again and it was killing me to see my otherwise so annoyingly active dog lay around, looking like 'please don't step on me, please!'.
Last saturday, his girlfriend came to see him and they normally spaz around, playing like the little crazed dogs that they were, but Pierre didn't want to play and Fie seemed to accept that.
They just walked around, nuzzling and kissing each other and Pierre was completely drained for two days, after she'd been here.
Yesterday, he was even less active and didn't even bother barking at the mailman, which was seriously concerning because he usually prided himself in barking at the mailman for as long as he could possibly see him and at that point I knew I was making the right choice.
I had called the vet on friday and my intention was to just discuss Pierre's life and condition with him and make a decision based on that, but when I saw my lovely puppy yesterday, my mind was made up.
It was time for my puppy to leave this earth and I had to make that decision for him, because he couldn't do it himself.
When I got to the vet's office, he took one look at me and nodded, after which we talked a little back and forth and he told me that if I hadn't mentioned it, he would have and that I was making the right decision for my puppy.
I took Pierre in my arms (he was a Papillon, so not that big, lol) and the vet injected him with a sedative and left the room.
It took around five minutes for my puppy to fall asleep and after a little more than that, he was completely unconscious.
I, of course, was bawling my eyes out in his fur - not because I felt bad for him because in my heart I knew I was doing the right thing for him, but it just hurts to pretty much kill your best friend and to think that you'll never see him race across the grass again.
The vet returned to the room and he injected the lethal fluids into my puppy and after only a few seconds, it was over. My puppy was at peace, again.
Even now, as I'm writing this, I have tears coming down my face, which proves to me that I'm not completely cold-hearted (although some seem to think so).
The first thing I did, when I left the vet's office, was buy myself a pack of cigarettes. I hadn't smoked for 3 months, but at that moment I just had to smoke.
I swore to myself that it was just that pack and that I wouldn't smoke more than that and I haven't.
Every single one of those cigarettes tasted horribly and it felt completely wrong to have a cigarette between my lips again, so I can assure you that I will not go back to smoking on a regular basis.
I smoked the last one in the pack around 10am (it's now 6pm) today and I haven't had any problems with not smoking since.
I suppose you can say that it was a minor glitch, but I don't feel guilty for smoking those cigarettes, because it was a conscious decision and it was what I needed at the time, just like the two beers I had with my stepdad yesterday afternoon.

I miss my puppy horribly and I know I will for a long time to come, but hopefully my random bursting out into tears thing won't go on for much longer, because it's just annoying.
I have work tomorrow and I really don't want to be working the entire weekend. I pretty much just want to curl up and hide, but I know that with the kind of mentality I have, it'll be good for me not to be able to do that.
I was a mess yesterday, but I wanna thank the following for their kind words and support:
Nat (you're my rock, baby. what else can I say? I love you.)
ShireRock
ACDalgaard
tensh_iie
Kate (thank you for that lovely poem. made me bawl, but it was cute)
AngCummings
live4live
Jen
freaksoldier
ALH30
You're all amazing and I <3 you.

Sucky day

2009-08-11T00:12:00.003+02:00

Today has sucked beyond belief.
I had to put my dog, Pierre, down and I've been a mess since. Right now, it's past midnight and I have to go to bed, because I'm absolutely exhausted from crying and I have to get up at 7am because the rat-guy is coming tomorrow at 7.30am.
I will talk more about this whole mess, tomorrow, but right now.... I must try and get some sleep.

Rest In Peace, my dear puppy. I love you so much.

My daily Twitterscope

2009-08-09T11:34:00.002+02:00

This can be an emotionally charged day with the Moon still in your sign. You may be moody if you think that others are not respecting your feelings. Unfortunately, you won't receive satisfaction now through dialogue; talking about it will only make matters worse. Instead of trying to change anything in your environment, concentrate on your own attitude. When it improves, so will everything else.

Sounds like a fun day, no?!

Feeling blah and tired.

2009-08-09T02:03:00.003+02:00

Yeah, nothing really deep about the title, just feeling tired and kinda nauseated.
We were told today that Grandpa has pneumonia which isn't being treated. He made a... what is it called in english? A last will? A piece of paper where he states that he doesn't want anything done to save his life should it come to that and I guess it has.
So now, we're just waiting, really. I hope, for him that it'll be quick.

My good thing today was having an entire day of doing absolutely nothing, whatsoever. I like days like today.

I'm off to bed.

Good thing.

2009-08-07T23:55:00.004+02:00

My good thing today was getting my tattoo touched up. It hurt, but it was alright. It always hurts more the second time around, for some reason, but it's usually okay.

I'm also starting to find fonts for my next tattoo. All I can tell you about it, is that it goes on my middle toe on my right foot and maybe I'll make it blue, but most likely it'll be black.
I can't tell you anything else about it because it's a private matter between me and a friend.
I won't say anything about when I will get it. I might get it next month or I might not get it until next year at Club Tattoo, I don't know.

Various thoughts.

2009-08-06T21:37:00.004+02:00

So I think I kind of lost my way with my new attitude, the last few days and it's very annoying.
I know, I've had this attitude for 33 years and I can't change it over night, just like my best friend can't just start throwing the truth in my face, over night, because it's simply not something she's been used to for a long time.

*pause*
And that sounds like my best friend's a liar who's incapable of telling the truth. That is not true!
By 'the truth', I simply mean that I've broken her trust in a way and it'll take some time to get that back and have her tell me when I'm being annoying or paranoid or whatever, not to mention having her tell me random facts about her life.
I do hope to get it back, though.

I did get some of that today, though and it made me smile. It was pretty much her venting about something that bothered her, but it made me feel honored that she chose me to vent to, especially because I've been such a bitch with other things. I just hope that I handled it better than I have before. That my reaction wasn't one that would make her not tell me things, again. Truth is... I care. Too much, sometimes and I get overly excited or angry at her behalf and my reactions are... well, intense for lack of a better term.

Lately, I've been oversensitive and even though one of my other friends says that I should just bring it up and talk about it, it's very difficult for me to do that, which is why I put it in here.
And yes, I realize that people might want to slap me across the face for talking about stuff that involves them, in here and they should, if they feel like it. But I used to censor myself on LJ and I refuse to do that, on here.
I try very hard not to mention any names, in certain cases, just so I won't show the world, who I'm talking about, but I need to let things out and often, it's just a matter of getting my thoughts out of my head and it's pretty much over.
Now, if you find that I talk about you.... or you think that I talk about you, here, feel free to confront me about it in one way or another, if you feel like we need to talk about things.

There, needed to get that out.

Now my good thing today was buying three pairs of new shoes, with tiny heels on them.... like 2-3cm.
I'm 33 years old and I've tried wearing heels before, but obviously I've chosen them too high, when I wasn't used to walking in heels, so this is my attempt to get used to wearing heels and maybe I'll be able to wear 5 or 6cm, at some point.
So yeah, gonna wrap my feet and toes up in band-aids and walk in these shoes until they stop hurting my feet, lol.

2009-08-06T02:24:00.003+02:00

My good thing today was visiting grandpa, who has now been told that he definitely has liver cancer, at least.
They believe that he's got more than that, possibly in the gall bladder or the pancreas (thank god for online dictionaries, man.....which I only remembered now, lol.) and they just need to find that.
He doesn't want chemo or any other treatment and I have to respect him for that.
The man's 80 and has never been in the hospital before, since he was born, so he figured that that's pretty good.

Right now, I was just telling Nat that I needed sleep, but before I could say goodnight, msn logged me off. Just like that! Bitch! I guess it just went 'yes, you need sleep. let me help you with that. *logs off*' and didn't tell me about it.
So, of course I logged back on and said a proper good night. Can't very well leave without it, especially not since I've had such an emotional day.

Night y'all.

Calming down.

2009-08-05T15:25:00.004+02:00

Okay, I've calmed down since this morning.
I realize that I was being overdramatic, but even so I still hope that people are honest with me.
The worst thing that can happen is me pouting for a few hours. It really does take a lot for me to stop talking to people just because they don't agree with me on something.... unless, of course, they're like 'no, I disagree! I think it's perfectly normal and acceptable to beat the shit out of animals or torture people just for the fun of it.' and really; who in their right minds are thinking like that?
So yeah, I was being dramatic and hysterical because of it, but I still beg of my friends; don't tell me what you think I want to hear because chances are that you're completely wrong and I'll probably respect you more, if you state your honest opinion, even if I don't agree with you.
Lying to me is the worst thing people can do and the sucky thing about lies is that they're usually revealed at some point and if you lie to me and I find out, depending on what it is, of course.... that is something that can make me cut you out of my life, completely.
I don't bullshit my friends so please... have enough respect not to bullshit me, either. There's nothing wrong with having a heated debate/discussion/argument/conversation/whatever.... it's actually healthy, believe it or not and it helps to get to know people.

Frustration

2009-08-05T11:01:00.005+02:00

I'm so frustrated and sad, right now.
Why is it so difficult for people to be honest? It's the fucking internet, man. What's the worst that can happen, if people don't agree with your opinion?!
I don't know what to believe, sometimes. I can't stand it when people are like telling you something, agreeing with you and then you see somewhere that they state the exact opposite opinion about the same thing and then I'm like what the fuck?!
It's not that difficult to state your opinion, even if it's different from a good friend's.
It just makes me feel a couple of things; betrayed because if that's the case...if people are such push-overs, then can I really trust them? And pissed off because even if people don't agree with me about something, I really don't see the 'danger' of stating that to me. It's the way that normal people have conversations about stuff and sometimes educate each other.
The weird thing is that I know that if I ask about it, I'll get told that what I was told the first time, is what's right and the other opinion is just stated because it'd suck not to or something.
It saddens me because I'm starting to think that I don't know what to believe. I don't want someone who just tells me what I want to hear. I want someone who can have a debate/argument/fight with me, because they believe something very strongly and not someone who will just shrug and go 'okay, whatever you say', simply because I have a temper and will state my opinion. It insults me, actually.
I know it was just a little thing and it shouldn't matter to me, but it does because it says something about the whole interaction with this person and it scares me shitless that an opinion can change like that or that I'm not told the truth.

Good thing.

2009-07-30T01:43:00.002+02:00

I'm too tired to make a real entry, so I'll just say that my good thing today was riding my bike to and from work, which is a total of 18km.

Short one.

2009-07-29T01:39:00.003+02:00

My good thing today was that I slept until 11.30am, lol.
Okay, so I panicked like a girl when I woke up and saw the time because my insulin schedule was fucked up, already but I managed to get over myself and just enjoy that I managed to sleep in, for once simply because I forgot to set my alarm.
....and then I set my alarm for tomorrow, lol!

Anyway, even though I slept for so long, it's 1.40am and I'm falling asleep, over here, so I'm just gonna make one more reply to our RPG and then crawl between my sheets.

Night.

Oops!

2009-07-28T12:45:00.003+02:00

I forgot to post my daily thing, yesterday.

My good thing was that I mowed the lawn, got my hair cut and dyed and talked to my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend for over 3 hours, last night, lol.
I hope that's the beginning of a new friendship, but we'll have to wait and see. I think my ex is still a little weirded out by the fact that she contacted me and I can't really say that I blame him.
But yeah, I'd like to be friends with them.

I love Mr. Shinoda when he goes all rapper-ish on us.

2009-07-27T22:05:00.000+02:00

Rambling.

2009-07-27T01:09:00.003+02:00

So, my good things today was taking my dog to visit my grandpa at the hospital, which made him light up (grandpa, not the dog 8P) and talking to Anabel after a very long time.

Hearing about her trip to Europe was just awesome and I so regret that I didn't go to London to meet up with her, seeing as she (and Kate) are the friends I've known the longest, online, whom I still talk to on occasion and she's just adorable.

She's actually the only one who will randomly IM me like...once every six months or so, lol (it's more often than I IM her, I'm afraid to admit) and when she does, we find that we have a lot to talk about, probably because it's been so long since we last talked.

But yeah, it's so nice talking to her again and we just fall right back into our crackhappy ways and I can't help but love her to death.

I promised myself that, if she can't come down and meet me when I go to America next year (she's in Canada), I -will- go to London, next time she comes there. I might do that, anyway, though.

We both just have a feeling that we'll get along great and have a blast. We may not, but I really think we will.

Nat's been away for lunch, all night (my night, her afternoon) and even though I've missed her horribly, it hasn't been as bad as I thought. And somehow, I think it's healthy for us when we go out and do something other than be quiet together, lol. It gives us something to talk about (or at least it should). I always miss her, when she's not here, though. Even if we don't talk for almost an entire night, I know she's there somewhere, in case I figure out this mystery that is life and want to share it with her 8).

I've entertained myself with National Treasure and National Treasure 2 and seeing how I love Nicholas Cage, that was awesome and then, of course, I talked to Belle as I mentioned.

Right now, it's 1.30am and even though I should go to bed and I really am tired, I can't be bothered, simply because I'm having a nice conversation with Belle.

Tomorrow, I'll be going to my hairdresser for the first time in over a year and I can't wait to have my hair look like something other than a pile of hay, for once.

Then when I get home, I'm gonna dye my hair red, again....and trust me, it's long overdue...and make blonde highlights on my mom.

And then, when Frank gets home, I'll mow the lawn. I killed our lawnmower, so he has to borrow one, for us.

Anyway, that is all and I shall go away now.

Boring day. I need a life.

2009-07-25T23:46:00.003+02:00

Today's been pretty uneventful and I'm actually feeling a little sad.

I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach and it's not good. I don't wanna get into that because I don't want to jinx anything, but I just hope that I'm wrong about it, this time around.

So my good thing.... good thing.... well, it's been such a boring day that it's difficult to find a good thing, because I've pretty much been in front of my computer all day.

*think*

I hung up my mom's laundry? It's just about the only thing that 'happened' today, so I'm gonna go with that.

I need a life. I need a boy-/girlfriend. I need to work out and actually get to meet people. I need to fucking do something, to get my ass off this couch.

Oh! And I ordered the first season of Queer As Folk, the american version! Ha! I love that show and it's pissing me off that the site that Nat was sweet enough to find, is being a fucking bitch and doesn't want to work, for me!

I hope the first season will arrive from Germany, soon.

Surveys

2009-07-25T12:29:00.002+02:00

Ha, I'm such a ditz, man.

The survey part of my blog was locked so that only I could see it. How clever is that?

I know, not very.

But I fixed it now, so go check out the surveys. I know, a lot of people hate them, but they're actually an excellent way of getting to know people, so yeah...if you're interested in getting to know me.... go check it out.

And I should so go ride my bike, but it's super windy and I really can't be bothered. Will get dressed and take my dog for a walk instead.

I hung up my mom's laundry. Am I nice or what? lol. All part of my more positive attitude towards this thing we call life.

2009-07-25T01:29:00.002+02:00

My good thing today was riding my bike for 6km and vacuuming the house.

It felt good to move my corpse again, even if it was difficult simply because I'm in bad shape, lol. Hopefully, it won't rain too much tomorrow and I'll go check if my new bike shorts and gel saddle thing has worked and my ass isn't sore, lol.

It's been a good day. Been down memory lane with Jesse and the crew. It was emotional, but good. Restored my faith in myself, a little. Made me tear up, too, but I found my way back. Don't need to dwell on how much it hurt when he left, but I read it and I felt it..again...and came back.

A part of me will always miss him, I think, probably because I never really had any -real- closure when it came to him and because he was such a big part of me.

But really...I have moved on at least emotionally. It may still affect me in terms of me not trusting people and feeling jealous quicker. I mean, my heart was ripped out of my chest, back then, it'd be weird if I just jumped into things, after that.

But yeah, I realize that he was right; it was a good thing in the long run, even if it did break my heart and leave me reluctant to let people in.

And I discovered Queer As Folk and let me just say *spaztwitchkeeloverandfuckingdies!* BLOODYFUCKINGHELLIT'SSOGODDAMNHOTICANBARELYSTANDIT!!!!!!!

*clears throat and puts on serious and calm expression* Yes. Not a bad show, at all. I will be watching more episodes.

My heart.

2009-07-24T18:02:00.003+02:00

Wow. I'm reading through the time after Jesse left, in my LJ.

It's so weird, man. That happened six bloody years ago, which means that if we were still friends, we would've been for nine years.

The funny thing is.... he still randomly pops into my head, here six years after he left. I hear a song or hear the cities Biloxi, Jackson or New Orleans mentioned and I instantly think of him.

I have no clue where he is or what he's doing, but I still hope that he's happy, even if I still think he should've been with me, this whole time.

He's still a part of me and he still holds a special place in my heart.

Even if everything was a lie, he meant the world to me, in those three years and for that I will always love him.

I don't think I can ever stop loving the guy I knew back then, even if I wanted to. To me.... those feelings are epic and never ending.

I know... if I were to talk to him today, we may not have anything in common or even get along. But the Jesse Miers, I knew and loved back then..... he'll always be considered my soulmate.

I hope you're happy, babe. I love you. Always.

2009-07-24T17:34:00.002+02:00

Okay, I found this thing on my LiveJournal, so if you're horribly bored, copy and paste this into a comment and answer it about me.

1. What do you honestly think of me?:
2. On a Scale from 1-10, how nice am I to you?:
3. Do I seem Caring?:
4. Outgoing or shy?:
5. Funny or serious?:
6. Sweet or mean?:
7. Singing, or Dancing?:
8. Colorful or gray?:
9. Smart or stupid?:
10. Faithful or Faithless?:
11. Goodygoody, naughty-naughty, or in between?:
12. Weird or gifted?:
13. Which Celebrity is most like me?:
14. Do you like being friends with me?:
15. Do you ever think about me offline?:
16. What's my Spice name?:
17. Dark or a bright person??:

18. Do you consider me one of your good friends?:
19. How would you describe me to someone else?:
20. Cheater or honest?:
21. GuyCrazed or Girl-crazed or laid-back?:
22. Sk8er or Preppy?:
23. Chatty or quiet?:
24. Do you think I'm ugly,OK, cute, or HOT?:
25. What's your prediction for my future?:
26. Internet junkie or writing freak?:
27. Poetic or logical?:
28. Annoyingly hyper or cutely hyper?:
29. Will we be friends in the future?:
30. Would u ever take a bullet for me?:
31. Am I the kind of person u would ever date?
32. Would u stick up for me in a fight?:
33. Partier, semiPartier, or party pooper?:
34. Lovable, likable, or I hate u?:
35. Would u ever go out with me?:
36. Would u ever give your phone number 2 me?:
37. Do I have a chance w/ u?:
38. Do u like me now or have u ever?
39. Would u ever fool around with me?
40. Would u ever kiss me, other than a dare?

Good thing 8)

2009-07-23T19:14:00.003+02:00

My good thing today, was going to see grandpa and taking him to the MR scan.

It still amazes me, how his face lights up when he sees me. Even my mom says so. I've always been the black sheep of the family because I was raised to speak my mind, but after he's gotten sick, it's like.... he trusts me completely and prefers to have me or my mom handle things.

We'll probably get the result of the scan tomorrow and find out if my grandpa has cancer and in case he does, how much.

I also talked to the city, today and chances are that I'll be able to get a leave of absence, when he gets the sentence of 'terminal', but I'll call my grandpa's city tomorrow and talk to them, because they have to pay my city, my pay and basically agree to let me have this leave of absence.

I'm hoping that everything will work out, though.

2009-07-22T22:40:00.002+02:00

So, I've been feeling pretty good all day and I still do.

....well, aside from feeling nauseated because I've eaten too much damn junk, lol.

My good thing today was going to the hospital, helping grandpa into a wheelchair and taking him outside, seeing the sun on his face.

*pause*

Wow, when did I become that sentimental about my grandpa? A man, whom I didn't even like, before he got sick.

No, seriously, I didn't like him, at all. He was a mean, angry and selfabsorbed, pathetic excuse for a man, who was just...well, angry at the world, really and it pissed me off.

Now, he's just this little (seriously, he's like 150cm, lol) sick man, whose face lights up when I come see him at the hospital and who's just almost disappeared because he lost so much weight and he's just so appreciative towards the nurses and me and everyone and it's just making my jaw drop a little.

I never thought he could be like this. It only saddens me that he had to become this sick before it showed.

I guess, I can say something I never thought I'd say in my life; I love my grandpa.

*walks away, looking a little stunned*

Phew.

2009-07-22T10:26:00.002+02:00

Last night was a rollercoaster, man.

I'm better this morning.

Thank you, Maria for making such an amazing comment to my entry, last night. I really do appreciate it and you helped me feel better.

I realize that I'm very dramatic, when I'm in that place I was in, last night and it seems like my world is crumbling down around me, and it does feel like that at time, but really; I'll be alright again.

Even when I'm writing an entry like that, I know this. I know that it's a matter of getting some perspective and calm down so I can think rationally again.

Had it not been around 3am, I should probably have taken my bike for a ride, to clear my head.

I wrote Sam on her blog and she answered me, making me feel good and like I can do this. What I need to do when I feel like that, is step away from the laptop and take Pierre for a walk or something.

You know to remove myself from the situation and clear my head.

Today, I'm driving to Holbæk with my mom and visiting grandpa and then I'll pick up my coffee table and take off the table cloth.

Oh yeah, and I'm doing some laundry, as well.

Again, thank you Maria and Sam for being amazing people and helping me feel better and get some perspective. I appreciate it.

Oh man.

2009-07-22T02:08:00.003+02:00

Just making a final entry, before Transformers is over and I will go to bed.

I feel nauseated because I ate too much chocolate. So that kinda sucks.

I also feel extremely insecure, right now. Which I really, really don't like. I know, I'll feel better in the morning, but it just sucks to feel like this.

I feel completely inadequate, unimportant, left out and like I'll never mean that much and it's frustrating me to no end, if I'm honest.

It's irrational and a fear of not being enough and I know I should not be feeding this fear, but it's just so difficult when it hurts so much and brings out every tiny insecurity, I've ever felt.

I mean, why choose me when there's clearly someone so much better out there? Someone, who's more alike, who understands better?

God, it hurts so much.

Looking at this with my new positivity, it's a good thing that it hurts, isn't it? I mean, as irrational as it might be, it's good thing that I can even feel hurt, right?

And if you wanna feel things, you gotta be able to feel the bad, as well, even though they really, really suck.

And no, I should not talk about this, because it's so irrational and unfair, not to mention that I have no right to actually feel this, if I'm completely honest.

My good thing today was having a shift with Illona and then feeling amazing, when I got home. Another good thing was the whole LP Mafia thing, which is really making me feel good.

It really takes so little, doesn't it?

I shall go to bed so I can stop feeding this fear, already.

Great mood!

2009-07-21T23:29:00.003+02:00

I cannot remember when I was last in this good of a mood, man.

I've just gotten home from an amazing shift with Illona, where I got to play bingo (banko, in danish) with our citizens and I love that and even though I didn't win anything, I walked away with chocolate and four cool table mats (dinner mats? whatever.) that one of my citizens won and immediately gave to me.

My mood is also because my mom and I have been getting along amazingly, the past few weeks and it's just so cool and now I remember why I agreed to buy this house, in the first place.

When we're getting along this well.... we're like best friends.

So tomorrow, I'm going with my mom to Holbæk, to deliver her laptop to some guy who'll install some programs that will help my dyslexic stepdad, then we'll visit grandpa and I'll call this woman about the leave of absence and I'll rearrange my coffee table and take this horrid table cloth off and place the table mats there, instead.

My mom actually called me, this afternoon. And why? Just because she wasn't home and she wanted to tell me to have a good day at work. How sweet is that? I must do something random like that, for her, one of these days.

And Sam's blog entry really inspired me to be good, too. Thank you for that, Sam.

And I love you. Just because you're you and because you're sweet and cool and caring and just....awesome. *hugsmooch!*

Alphabet Survey, stolen from Jen.

2009-07-21T11:11:00.002+02:00

1. A is for age: 33

2. B is for beer of choice: Don't really drink, but Tuborg, when I do.

3. C is for career right now:Social Health Care worker

4. D is for your dog's name? Pierre

5. E is for essential item you use everyday: Laptop

6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Charmed

7. G is for favorite game: Any hidden object game

8. H is for Home town:Jaegerspris

9. I is for instruments you play: None

10. J is for favorite juice: Pineapple

11. K is for whose butt you'd like to kick: Merete's

12. L is for last place you ate: Home

13. M is for marriage: Doubtful

14. N is for your full name: Oh man...okay... Heidi Michala Strøm Mortensen...

15. O is for overnight hospital stays: A few times when I've had surgery

16. P is for people you were with today: None, yet

17. Q is for quote: \"A man who doesn't know how to cry, is not a real man in my opinion.\" Brian Molko (Stole it from Trixi's blog because I heart Brian and he's right.)

18. R is for Biggest Regret: Never meeting Jesse

19. S is for status: Single and loving it....most of the time, anyway.

20. T is for time you woke up today: 10:00am

21. U is for underwear you have on now: Pink striped, lmao!

22. V is for vegetable you love: Carrot, Cauliflower, Broccoli.

23. W is for worst habit: saying the danish equivalent of 'alrighty, then' like...a lot.

24. X is for x-rays you've had: My left ring finger, when I broke it playing handball

25. Y is for yummy food you ate today: I just had a roll, lol, don't think that's particularly yummy.

26. Z is for the zodiac sign: Pisces

LP Mafia

2009-07-21T10:23:00.003+02:00

So Nat made a random joke about Maria, Illara, Trixi, Jen, myself and Nat being the LP Mafia and we joked about world domination and whatnot and now, Illara made us this really cool banner, not to mention the group on Facebook.

Click on the Mafia banner on the side and you should be taken to the Facebook group 8)

Keep fighting.

2009-07-20T21:11:00.002+02:00

Okay, so my new positivity is already rubbing off.

Today, I feel like I've been generally positive and grown-up-ish and it actually feels good.

When my mom told me about my grandpa, I was able to keep an adult conversation about it and actually care, instead of just mumbling something incoherent and ignore it.

I've smiled more today, than I normally do and I've found that I actually like smilling. I've even smiled randomly while talking to Nat, which isn't really that unusual, because she often makes me smile, but today it's just felt different somehow.

I'm trying to keep the 'my good thing', selfless but I have to admit that today, it's completely selfish, although not in a bad way...or at least I don't think so.

My good things (yes, plural) today was that I smiled more, I helped my mom with some things, I offered to go to the hospital on thursday, I offered to take a leave of absence when my grandpa is going to die, to take care of him, if it's possible and I took a nap, which improved my mood.

I also managed to express my feelings towards Isa being sickly. And yes, I feel worried even if I don't know her and even if I don't want kids of my own.

She's just a youngling (SW moment, sorry, but she is) and she should just be healthy and run around, playing and looking as adorable as she does and not be sickly.

I really hope she feels better soon.

See, this feels good. I know, it's gonna take more than this, but seriously.... why did I have the need to sort of diss kids, when the truth is I think they're so cute (yeah, some more than others, lol) and even if I don't know how to deal with them and I don't want any of my own, I can't deny that I'm a big softie on the inside and I just need to try and express that a bit more.

I'll take 'cancer' for 100, Alex.

2009-07-20T15:19:00.002+02:00

Yeah. My grandpa is most likely having cancer in his liver.

He was scanned and my mom was called to the hospital today, to meet with the doctor and my grandpa.

The doctor said that there is a 95% chance that grandpa has cancer in his liver and on thursday, we're going there at 1pm so he can get a CT scan so they can get an idea as to how much the cancer's spread.

To be very realistic, it's not a big surprise that he's got cancer; he smoked like 60 cigarettes every day, until 25 years ago and he's an alcoholic. An alcoholic who could, surprisingly, quit drinking from one day to the next, but still an alcoholic. His liver is bound to be damaged in one way or another.

Yeah, I know....the smoking and liver doesn't have anything directly to do with each other, but still..... he's not been good to himself.

Now, we don't know how bad it is, yet, but I'm already 'investigating' if and how it would be possible for me to take some leave of absence (isn't that's what it's called?) from work, to take care of him, if he prefers to die at home.

I mean, he's 80 and I'm still not that close to him, but if he wants to die at home and I can get that leave of absence thing, then that's what we'll do.

It's only 3.30pm, so I'm not gonna do the 'good thing', yet.

I napped, which was nice, but I didn't get to ride my bike....and why? Because I was dead tired and lazy as fuck, lol.

2009-07-20T00:07:00.002+02:00

Okay, so this keeping positive thing is really difficult for me.

Not that I'm gonna give up or anything, but it's just really difficult. You know, I don't wanna become one of those super-positive-who-can't-even-see-the-bad/sad-thing-in-someone-dying kind of people and it's difficult for me to sort of draw the line, you know?

Not to mention that it's not something I can just do over night. I've been a pessimist for the better part of my life and, even though I'm not liking it, I'm 33 years old, so that's a lot of years.

I tried changing my ways, tonight, already.

I swear, I don't do it on purpose, but Nat said something about a banner, a friend of hers made and she commented on the color and I immediately went 'but it's not REALLY that color, more like blablabla color' and then I looked at what I had just said and was like WHAT. THE. FUCK?!

I don't even realize that I'm doing it, but it's like this built-in mechanism that I -have- to be right, all the time.

I know it was just a little thing, but if I don't change the little things, I can't change the big ones, either, so I just went 'It looks awesome.', because I really do think it looks awesome and it doesn't really matter what name you give the color, anyway.

I've decided to copy Mrs. Daughtry, as well and try to find a good thing, each day. Can be little things or big things, doesn't matter, but I wanna find one thing, every day that was good.

Today, my good thing was that I gave my mom a pair of sweatpants that I felt were too tight and she was happy about that.

New Years resolution....but not really.

2009-07-19T12:36:00.002+02:00

I've always hated New Years resolutions, mainly because people never stick with them.

I've found that for me... it works better, if it's just a spur-of-the-moment kinda thing.

The past few years, I've lost weight.

Within a couple of months, I will start working out and thereby become even healthier and lose more weight.

Two months ago, I quit smoking.

I mean, come on...even though I'm still very much a couch potato, no one can deny that I'm doing a lot of good things for my body and I actually feel good about it.

Now.... I need to become a better person.

I mean, seriously; I'm really not all that nice. I act all tough and like I don't care and the sad thing is.... I'm finding that I care less and less and it's scaring the shit out of me, to be honest.

I know that I've broken someone's trust in me, I guess is the best way to describe it and that is killing me, if I'm completely honest.

Inside.... it bugs me that I've lost that trust and I know that it's completely my fault because I'm just really not a nice person.

I'm selfish and bitchy and cold. Sure, I have my moments where I care and on a rare occasion I actually care to the point where I can cry, but honestly..... I don't think I've -really- cried since the time I watched 'My Dog Skip' and that was..... well, years ago.

Where did my ability to care about people, go? I don't have to be all excited about a subject or something, to be happy that someone else is excited about that thing or subject!

It's almost like I pride myself of having a (sometimes) bad temper, of being impatient and of not caring. As if it's a great thing that nothing really gets to me.

So I'm gonna try from now on to be a better person; to be glad when someone's excited about something, to 'aww' at cute kids, because I really do think they're cute, even if I don't want some of my own, to laugh when someone makes a funny or shows me something they think is funny.

And no, I don't mean that I'm gonna fight like fuck to be all fake, here, but I think I have to force myself to do some things, at first, for me to actually start feeling these things again, you know?

And I'm gonna use this thing a lot more, even if it means talking about something that is not really all that subtle and even if it means that people will know that I'm talking about them.

I'm not sure that I can confront people about everything I feel, just yet, but know that if it's mentioned here, it means that I care and that I'm getting better at being a nice person, every day.

I wanna do this, simply because it's killing me that my best friend lost that trust in me and because I actually don't like the way people see me.

I wanna be able to be..... maybe not her best friend.... but at least a friend, to -my- best friend again. I haven't been that in a long time..... if ever and it's actually hurting me inside. It hurts to realize that... even though I was proud to be a bitch, simply because I really wasn't one.... I've actually become one.

It fucking sucks and it hurts and I wanna change that.

Marc Anthony - You Sang To Me

2009-07-17T23:26:00.004+02:00

I just wanted you to comfort me

When I called you late last night you see

I was falling into love

Yes I was crashing into love

Of all the words you sang to me

About "Life," "The Truth," and "Being Free"

You sang to me

Oh, you sang to me

Girl I live for how you make me feel

So I question all this being real

Cause I'm not afraid to love

For the first time I'm not afraid to love

This day was made for you and me

You showed me what life needs to be

You sang to me Oh, you sang to me

Chorus

All the while You were in front of me I never realized

I just can't believe I didn't see it In your eyes

I didn't see it I can't believe it

Oh, but I feel it

When you sing to me

 How I long To hear you sing Beneath the clear blue skies

And I promise you This time I'll see it In your eyes

I didn't see it I can't believe it

Oh, but I feel it

When you sing to me

Just to think you live inside of me

I had no idea how this could be

Now I'm crazy for your love

Can't believe that I'm crazy for your love

The words you sang you sang to me

And you showed me what life needs to be

You sang to me

Oh, you sang to me

All the while You were in front of me I never realized

I just can't believe I didn't see it In your eyes

I didn't see it I can't believe it

Oh but I feel it

When you sing to me

How I long To hear you sing Beneath the clear blue skies

And I promise you This time I'll see it In your eyes

I didn't see it I can't believe it

Oh but I feel it When you sing to me

All the while You were in front of me I never realized

I just can't believe I didn't see it In your eyes

I didn't see it I can't believe it

Oh but I feel it When you sing to me

It's so cute, man. If anyone has it, please sent it to me 8)

2009-07-15T11:39:00.002+02:00

Sometimes, I wish I could turn off my emotions, man.

It might be because it's that time of month, I don't know, but I'm feeling a lot these days. Just had a.... thing.. with Nat the other day, which I feel bad for now because.... well, because I'm sick of being such a dramaqueen.

When it comes down to it.... I really don't think I have anything to complain about. There are things that I wish for, yes... but I have a pretty good life, if I think about it.

So why am I feeling so.... discontent, all the time? Sometimes, it's like my negativity is trying to fucking kill me or something.

I mean...I have a pretty good job, with great colleagues... yet, I wonder if I should switch to driving out in town, instead....or if maybe I should find a job where I can work from noon til 8 or something....always trying to think of something better.

I've chosen to be single.... yet, I long for that special someone to hold me tight...and I long for him/her like...constantly, non-stop and all the time..... wondering if Nat could be that someone.

We talked about it, before and I don't think any of us think that that would be realistic.... which actually makes me sad because she's an awesome person and I'd be honored to have someone like her.

I don't know. Maybe, I should just hide somewhere until my period's over or something. I think my hormones are working overtime or something.

Damn

2009-07-06T00:31:00.002+02:00

I didn't know how much you can miss a person, until now, man. And there's still five days to go.

Nat left for the beach for a week and man, I'm jealous....but she definitely deserves it and I really hope that she's having a great time there 8)

Of course, my phonebill will be ridiculous because I can't help but text her, as often as possible, but I don't really care, 'cause I miss her a lot.

Getting home from work is the weirdest feeling in the world, man. Usually, I can't wait to get on MSN and just say hi and talk randomly, even if we don't ramble aimlessly, but these days it's like.... I might as well go home and go to bed because..... well, because she's not here.

What can I say? I miss her and love her so much, it's not even funny, actually.

I love random things.

2009-06-25T10:24:00.002+02:00

I've been neglecting this thing like crazy, lately and I don't even have a good excuse.

I haven't smoked for 5 weeks and I'm so fucking proud, not to mention that I feel confident that I am now a non-smoker. Not ex-smoker, but non-smoker.

I bought myself an electric cigarette, though because I do have some situations where I desperately need a smoke and this little thing, which is without nicotine, provides the smoke and the whole ritual of smoking, except it's just steam and not smoke and it's not dangerous in any way.

I realize that this may cause me to continue with the ritual of smoking, but honestly, I don't give a damn...whatever it takes for me to -not- buy actual cigarettes and start smoking again.

This little thing, you can even 'smoke' on planes and anywhere else, you can't really smoke, because it's not smoke and it's not damaging to yours or anyone else's health.

It's just awesome. I call it my 'pacifier' because it sorta is.

Other than that, I went back to work last night, after having 12 days off and even if the shift went pretty fast and wasn't that bad, I was dead, when I came home, man.

So crazy. I was looking forward to going home to talk to my baby and reply to the rpg and I did...for about 1½ hours and then I had to surrender and go to bed, which sucked ass.

And I was completely unconscious all night, except for this tiny little trip to the bathroom because I was nauseated. I barely remember it, though, so I must've been half asleep and the nausea disappeared so I went back to bed and when I woke up, my hair was still tied up, so apparently I must've fallen asleep before taking it down, lol.

So I have another night of work, tonight and then tomorrow, I'll go to the optician and get my eyes checked (d'uh) and see if I can get contacts. I really don't like wearing my glasses, especially not when it's as hot as it's been these past few days and I'm addicted to my shades so I'd prefer to actually be able to see normally and wear a pair of cool shades.

Then saturday, I have a shift for the temp agency and I hope that it'll go by, painlessly, as well.

Randomness: I really don't like Rob's Chris Cornell-wannabe look, but I really DO like Chester in white. Fact of the matter is; he's more human to me now. I really don't like his insecure wife and I'm not sure I like his insecurities, either... but that's probably just because, despite his past and everything, I never saw him as insecure and now I realize.... he's as insecure as the rest of us. Which is actually not a bad thing, but I just don't like it when they flaunt their insecurities on the internet...... or maybe I'm just jealous of them...of her? Fuck, if I know.

Weirdness

2009-06-11T11:13:00.002+02:00

Okay, so I had the weirdest dream, last night.

I dreamed that Chester, Talinda, Jaime, Isaiah (I cannot spell that kid's name, man!), Draven, Tyler, me and a bunch of other people, I don't know, were having a water fight.

It was supposed to be at Chester and Talinda's place, but it was so weird because it was where I used to live and the garden was tiny...compared to what I thought it'd be, anyway, lol.

We all had various sizes of those *gestures* supersoakers, although Talinda and Chester's looked more like they were taken right out of Transformers, lmao!

There were also a pool, where we were filling up these supersoaker things (I don't know.) and it turned out that Chester and I were the ones with the best aim.

I got Talinda right in the back of her head and Chester got her...well, anywhere else, lol.

Seriously...as lame as it was, it was also hilarious. Tyler were squealing and screaming and the rest of us were pretty much just laughing our asses off.

At the end of the dream, it was just Talinda, Chester, me and the kids (I'll spare you for any misspelling of their names) and we were pretty much slumped down on the grass.

I remember Chester looked pissed off, for some reason...or displeased, anyway. Actually, that's how I often see him these days, which is kind of sad because I'm sure it's completely untrue.

Anyway, in the dream, I carefully said that I'd had a lot of fun that day and thanked him for having me and everyone over and what did he do? He grunted at me, lol!

I woke up by Chester grunting at me. How much does that suck, man?! Lol, at least at the meet and greet, he actually cared enough to ask 'what's that?' and not just grunt, but here...I had been at his and Talinda's house for an entire day and he grunts at me?! Lol, what the fuck?!

I swear to god, I have the weirdest dreams. And what the hell was up with the Transformers guns? Lol, maybe I should stay away from anything Linkin Park/Transformers related for a while? (yeah, right. as if I could 8P)

Fucking rats.

2009-06-08T11:05:00.003+02:00

Fuck. Our insurance might not cover the whole rat deal. It depends on what category the damage is....but if it's too small, we'll have to pay for everything ourselves.
I can't deal with this, man. It's too much and it's too much money, man. Yeah, I have a lot of money stored away, but seriously...I do not want to spend them on fucking rats!
They're earmarked for the states and it'll take a lot before I use any of them for anything else.
God, I hope that I'll get some shifts for the temp agency, during my vacation.

Someone hide me until this whole bullshit is over and done with.

A lil' of this, a lil' of that.

2009-06-02T11:14:00.002+02:00

So...it's tuesday and I haven't smoked for almost two weeks. At midnight, it'll be two weeks.
It's so awesome! I mean, I can actually do this! Who would've thought?
But then...the past two days, I've been having these weird thoughts...like...I should go buy a pack of smokes and have one...you know, just because...I can easily quit again, you know?
It's pissing me off because 1) I have no right to be that cocky, 2) It's just an excuse and if I actually do that, I'll never quit, 3) There's just no point in it, it's like a kid missing his/hers teddybear...it's just a comfort thing.
These past few days have pretty much been hell around the house. I don't know if it's because my mom is jealous of me quitting my smoking or if she's just hating on me, these days, but she's been switching between ignoring me and making snippy comments in my general direction.
Actually, I think I prefer the ignoring. That way, I don't have to deal with her issues.
Then, the other day, my stepdad had the nerve to tell me to 'be a little more positive around your mother'. I was like 'excuse me?!'.
Okay, so maybe he's not completely wrong and I know it's a bad cycle, we're in. I mean, she gets pissy that I don't do enough around the house and that she has to do everything herself (which is really a matter of different priorities, seeing as I don't have the need to vacuum every single day and stuff), I get even more stubborn because really...she could just ask me to help, but she refuses and insists that I should be able to...I don't know...read her mind or something and I really can't and won't and then at some point, it all just explodes.
I'm sick of getting up in the morning and having to sort of sense what her mood is before I decide what -my- mood should be and I told him this, not to mention that I feel like I'm at work all the time because KOL (the disease my mom has, don't know its name in english) patients are in general selfish bastards, who thinks the entire world should adapt to their needs and be able to know their needs, before they utter them, not to mention that everyone should just do whatever the KOL patient wants them to, at all times.
We have a few of these patients at the nursing home and my personality just -refuses- to give into their little games and that goes, when I come home, as well.
All of this crap, of course, is bringing on the urge to smoke, even more...but I'm going to work tomorrow and I have 5 days of working, so if I can get through today, I should be able to get through another 5 days.
Tomorrow, is also INK-DAY! Ha! I'm gonna get my tattoo and I can't fucking wait. I called Rudolph on friday and he told me, harshly, that he wouldn't do the note-thing and I was like 'what?!'.
Then he corrected it and said that he'd do the notes, but not the lines on which the notes are and I started breathing again, lol.
I've been thinking the past few days. Remember how I wanted Nat's name tattooed? Well, I'm gonna wait with that until I get to Club Tattoo, because they can probably do it on my foot or something.
But until then...I wanted to do something that shows that she was a big part of this tattoo; finding me both the logo and the musical notes...so I'm thinking that I'll get the notes done in red and blue...you know, switch between the two colors.
And why is that? Because red is one of my favorite color and blue is one of Nat's. I'll have to talk to Rudolph, obviously, but it'd be cool if he'd do at least the g-key in blue.
Also..Nat's in Venezuela. I love that, simply because it enables me to text her, lol. And I don't love it, because it enables me to text her. Lol, makes sense, no?
Seriously...I love, love, love the fact that I'm able to text her whenever I want...well, I can do that when she's in Memphis, as well but in Caracas...she's actually able to answer me! And yes, this is absolutely awesome, because I love texting with her and I'd do it non-stop....if it wasn't so fucking expensive.
Not that I care all that much. I mean, if I feel like texting her, then I'll text her and it's only for three months and I knew all of this because we did the same thing last year, lol.
...and now I'm just rambling completely aimlessly.
I shall go burn my skin a bit more in the sun, now.

Damn.

2009-05-25T22:36:00.002+02:00

So I went to the tattoo studio today. They don't do the blacklight tattoos because the ink isn't safe, according to them.
Just fucking great. So I can't get Nat's name inked...well, not yet, anyway.
I'll think of a way, I promise you, even if I have to convince the artist at CT to do it under my foot or something.
But I booked an appointment to get the music notes done. Will be on wednesday the 3rd of June, at noon.
I can't fucking wait. I just know Rudolph (yes, that's his name, it cracks me up, lol) will hate me for the straight lines. He hates my straight lines and weird logos with circles and straight lines, lol.
I'm gonna call for a price on it, on friday. I hope it won't be more than I'm assuming, lol.

Other than that, I'm climbing the walls here. Not because I'm actually having withdrawals, but because I'm used to smoking when I'm in my couch, watching TV and being online and it's just...doing my head in, really.
I knit and I talk to Nat and it helps some...but god, I want a smoke in the worst fucking way, man!
I need Dane to get his ass online, man..lol.

New ink.

2009-05-25T01:59:00.002+02:00

Okay, then. Lot's of emotions going on over here.
Firstly...the not-smoking thing is going...well, I guess. I mean, I still have moments where I could kill for a drag, but I'm trying to keep busy and I manage to get over it.
I have monday and tuesday off, so that's gonna be interesting to see how that goes, without smoking.
I've decided that I wanna reward myself with new ink, when I get paid...which is another reason, I can't just start smoking again, lol.
I want to add some of the musical notes to Crawling the arrow logo on my wrist...as in a band that'll go around my wrist.
And then..because I love her and because she pretty much designed that tattoo, finding me the logo -and- the music notes, I'll add Nat's name...not just 'Nat'..but 'Nathaly' to the tattoo, as well. I'm gonna get it done in ultraviolet ink, which won't be visible in normal light and I'm doing that, simply because I've promised myself 'no names', when I started getting inked and I wanna stick with that.
I don't want people pointing at it and go 'who's that? why do you have her name inked on you? bla bla bla'.
It's about Nat and I and not really anyone else and we'll know it's there...well, and whoever reads this, will know, too, I guess..lol. But yeah, it'll just be something for her and me.
And I was actually surprised to learn that she thought it was a cool idea. So yep...music notes and a name, here I come.
God, I can't wait, man.

2009-05-22T10:55:00.001+02:00

I feel really good today. The urge isn't as bad as it was yesterday.
I get that it's only day 3 and that I'm still vulnerable and having withdrawals, but I actually feel like I don't want to smoke anymore.
I may -need- to, but that need can be suppressed because I really don't want to. I have to admit though...I'm more alone in this than I thought. I mean, I knew that I had to be alone in it because no one can quit smoking for me.
The people I've gotten the most support from...are actually complete strangers to me; Dane and Elka.
I heart them for backing me up and I heart them for sending me crazy-ass-supportive replies on Twitter because it's really helping me, but I'm surprised that some of the people closest to me are like...yeah, that's great or whatever...shit, my mom and stepdad are pretty much ignoring me when I tell them how long I haven't been smoking.
Maybe it's because most of the people I know, haven't been smoking in the first place and have no clue about what it's like to quit and my mom and stepdad...well, they're smoking away, so clearly they're not concerned.
I love the fact that Elka and Dane know what it's like to quit and even though they have crazy-busy lives, they still take the time to reply with a 'You kick ass!' or 'I'm so proud of you!! Yeah!!'...you know? It just feels good and it's just what I need, right now.
I feel surprisingly calm and actually very determined not to have any nicotine. I chewed a piece of nicotine gum 24hours ago and even though I'm sweating like a crazy person, from time to time because of withdrawals, I feel good and confident that I don't want to chew another piece because...well, because I'm trying to kick my nicotine addiction.
I keep thinking about Dane who quit a two-pack-a-day addiction and Elka and Chester, who quit a god-only-knows-how-many-a-day addiction, not to mention the fact that Chester quit his drug addiction and alcohol addiction.
He seriously makes me so proud and I'm like, if he can kick drugs and alcohol to the curb, I can sure as hell kick nicotine, man.
I will buy some more gum, today, as Elka instructed. I think it was the pastilles and withdrawals that made my stomach all weird and not the gum and it actually feels good to be chewing gum, even if it is the most annoying habit in the world..lol.

..and it's really stupid that I made this journal. No one's reading it and I might as well just be using my normal journal.
Yeah...gonna move this entry to my normal journal.........
There we go.

Random thoughts.

2009-05-14T12:02:00.002+02:00

Why am I so weird? Why can't I be the queen of randomness, I used to be?
I miss the randomness, I used to have with Kate, Annabel, Jesse, Jess, Carly, Chesh, TJ and the rest of the insane crew.
Yeah, I know, I was way younger (well, around 6 years or so), but still..have I really become an old fart, like that?
And I really hate that I'm so needy and possessive. And I don't care if people say that it doesn't matter and that they don't mind, because I'm sure it becomes a pain in the ass, sometimes.
Last night, I was in a really bad place...y'know, the whole paranoia thing, again...and I couldn't help but wonder, if I'm that kind of person, who's so needy and pathetic that you just can't bring yourself to tell me what's -really- going on.
God, I hope not. I really do prefer being told the truth, even if it's nasty and will rip my heart out...better that, than to be lead on to believe that everything is fine and dandy, if it's really not.
It's like...the whole mess with Jesse. Yeah, it broke me completely and I randomly cried for weeks, but I know that what he did, was right. No, I didn't think so, at the time...I was ready to do just about anything, to get him back and get, what we had, back and he kept telling me that it'd be good for us in the long run and that he was just being honest with me, which I didn't get, because in the same sentence, he'd tell me how he loved me more than he could ever say.
But now...I guess, he was right. It wasn't really healthy for any of us and it had to end, eventually. Maybe it was a good thing, we never met because it would've been so much harder to have him leave, if things had turned out good, but on the other hand, I'm like...we should've taken that chance, anyway.
Yeah, things may not always turn out perfect and it may not meet our expectations, but that's okay because at least, then you can say that you gave it a shot and got an experience out of it and...who knows, hopefully had some fun during it.
This is why I'm so determined to go see Nat, next year. I don't expect our little...thing, whatever it is..to translate into real life, at all. In fact, I kinda expect it not to, but even so...she's a great friend and I heart her to death, so I'm like...why not? I'm 33 fucking years old and this is a chance for me to, not only meet someone I care a great deal about, but also to go see a country that I've loved for years and years so why shouldn't I?
I know...it's a long trip and a month is a long time, if we don't get along at all, but come on...life is for taking chances and I haven't taken many of them in my life...so this is an amazing opportunity for me and I'm determined to grab it and run with it.
And it's not like it's that big of a risk for Nat, anyway. I mean, she'll be at home and I'll be the one, miles away from home, in a strange place with strange people and all sorts of scary things, I'm sure.
I'm the one, saving up a shitload of money to do this, only to risk it blowing up in my face, but you know what? It doesn't matter, because I -want- this. I want it so bad, I wish I had the ticket booked, already. I wish, we had the tickets to AZ booked already and I wish...well, I wish I was leaving soon and not next year.

Chesvey

2009-05-08T12:06:00.002+02:00

I locked the Chesvey. I've felt like a fool, since I last replied to it, because I've pretty much felt like I was expected to sit around and just wait for Kathy to remember it and reply.
I'm done. No more Chesvey, for me.
I'll rather just concentrate on Bennoda and Nat, to be honest. Whatever I had with Kathy, was over a long time ago and I guess I just had to realize that and actually cut the last tie...which I now have.
Too bad. But I really don't feel like I've lost all that much. We haven't spoken in ages...unless we were fighting and the drama just gets old after a while.
So..yeah, that's the end of that.

Possessive

2009-05-06T10:32:00.003+02:00

I'm feeling rather possessive and a little bit jealous, these days. I don't know why. Maybe it's the fear of cancellation peeking its ugly head out, again.
But yeah, I'm trying to control it and not talk about it, because it really is ridiculous.
I keep telling myself that I have no reason to and that I'm not even entitled to, because...well, because I'm really not.

Work the next five days, should probably help me deal a little bit better, seeing as I can't be on my computer constantly.
I need to get over myself.

Bad day.

2009-05-04T11:23:00.002+02:00

I don't know if it's because I haven't had enough sleep (which I blame on @ChesterBe, by the way, lol) or what, but I'm feeling horrible today.
I basically just want to hide under my covers and forget about the world. Thankfully, my mom isn't home at the moment, so she can't hazzle me.
I have a million things, I should get done, but I just can't seem to get my shit together and do it.
Tomorrow, I'm going with Kirsten to see Wolverine and I pray that my mood has improved before then, because if not...I'm really not good company.

...shit, I can't even put into words, how I feel or why I feel like that. Maybe I should just put on some music and shriek it out.
Crawling and Breaking The Habit are good songs for that.

Yeah, I'll try that...and then take my dog for a long walk, maybe.

Random!

2009-05-02T13:51:00.003+02:00

Had a nice little dream, last night. We were hanging out somewhere with a bunch of friends and I left to go to the bathroom, he followed me and gave me my gloves (?) and when he did...he kissed me. It was just a sweet, innocent kiss and then he smiled at me, before he went back to our friends.
Made me wake up with a smile on my face.

Other than that.....CHESTER IS ON TWITTER!!!!
*pause* I'm fine. But still very excited about this fact. This means that you get to comment/ask questions and the chance of him actually replying is pretty big and it's just awesome.
When I found out, last night, I was afraid that I was having a heartattack, lol. I randomly commented on some of the things, he said and we had random 'conversations' about my picture, miniature cows and the fact that he thinks he made up a word; 'freal'. Quite amusing, even if it was just a few comments, here and there.
The man is random, dude! And I love it.
And I was actually so excited about this exchange of comments between he and I that I was rambling poor Nat's ears (is it eyes, when it's on msn?) off about it...even before she got online, lol.
I know..Nat is the one person I can go absolutely crazy fangirl on and she won't mind, because she'd be just as bad...but I still felt a little guilty.
These days we don't ramble each other's ears off, which is okay...we have those times, but then Chester goes on Twitter, replies to some of my comments and I go completely nuts, instead of asking/talking to her about her life.
*shrug* But then again...she knows how I am, when it comes to him, so I'm guessing her telling me that it was fine, is true. Which it would be, had it been her, as well.
And then I woke up at 7am and just felt...love, towards her. I may not be good at showing it, but I do love her, a lot.

Longing.

2009-04-22T12:45:00.002+02:00

I miss you. Which is ridiculous, anyway. But I do.
I wish I could cuddle up to you, at night, hold your hand while we take my dog for a walk, randomly touch you and hug you, have long-ass conversations about the world...or nothing in particular.
I long to feel your arms around me. I guess, I just need to let my guard down and let someone see that I'm not really that tough and that I do actually care.
I wish I could be close to you and I envy the people who get to be. I wish I could run my fingers through your hair and kiss those beautiful lips. I wish I could drown in those dark brown pools and know that everything would be okay.

...well, I guess wishing is allowed, right?

Love

2009-04-20T12:17:00.002+02:00

I'm feeling a lot of love, these days. Towards a lot of people, actually.
Towards Nat, simply because she's awesome and so, so sweet. No, she didn't do or say anything in particular, but just...yeah. And I really can't wait to go see her. Is there anything more awesome than the thought of going to see your best friend? I think not. May 2010, hurry the fuck up!
Then there is, of course, my man Mr. Bennington. Feeling a lot of fangirl love for him, these days and again, not for any particular reason, but just because he's awesome...and called Mike, Dr. Shinoda. I mean, how cute is that?
Dr. Shinoda. Well, isn't that just special? Okay, so I do not agree with him cutting his hair....at all, but then I'm like...yeah, I like him better with actual hair on his head...but you know, he lives in CA and I bet it's sweltering hot and he's got a lot of hair, so...well, okay, lame excuses, but the truth is...it doesn't really matter all that much to me, how he wears his hair. I still love him.
Admitted, if it was up to me, he'd still have the red or blue...but he was in his 20's back then...he has to grow up at some point.
I'd still take his buzzcutter away from him, though. You need a little more hair, Michael! And so do you, by the way, Mr. Bennington!
I started talking to Kate, again, last night...it's her fault that I didn't sleep much last night and I feel slightly dead, but it was great catching up with her. I don't even know why we stopped talking, because we actually got along pretty well...at least, I think we did.
Kate is from Australia and she's just...she's so funny and we have all this history together, from way back in the Sony SG chat. Wow...that was a long time ago, man. Now, I feel old...again, lol.
But yeah, it was great catching up with her and I really hope we get to talk more from now on. Sure, the fucking time difference is bound to fuck up, here and there...but yeah.

...and today is nice and sunny, so how can I not be in a good mood? 8D

Work..and other random things.

2009-04-18T00:12:00.002+02:00

Wow, I haven't posted in ages...or so it seems, anyway.
Things at work have improved, if only slightly. After spending Easter speculating myself half to death, not sleeping properly and loathing going to work, I left a note for my boss, telling her that I wouldn't be able to deal with being moved to a different floor.
Monday, I spent with my aunt, uncle and parents, rambling and stuffing my face, so that was a good day.
Then came tuesday and I was waiting for my boss to call me and...being the pessimist that I am, I was expecting her to freak the fuck out and at worst: fire me.
So she called around noon and I was contemplating taking a shower just to be ready, in case she would insist that I go to work.
Imagine my surprise when she pretty much told me 'it's fine. there's no need for you to feel guilty. you were honest with me and I respect that and I'd never force you to having to struggle with going to work, more than you, clearly, already are. don't worry about it and..will you be coming to work on wednesday?'.
Now, had I been a bit more cheeky (bitchy...whatever), I would've said 'oh..no, I won't. I need a few sick days to get over this'...or some crap like it, lol. But nah..I'm a loyal person so of course I told her that, yes, I'd be at work on wednesday.
Other than that...my planning of the trip to America has finally calmed down a little. Not that I'm not still excited, because I really am and I can't wait to get on that plane, man....no, wait, I can't wait to get -off- that plane, lol.
But yeah...there's still a lot of planning to do; I have to call the B&B in Cordova and hear what it'll approx. cost me to live there for 2½ weeks and we still need to check (and book) flights and prices from Arizona and back to Memphis, not to mention we have to plan exactly -when- we'll leave on the road-trip, so I can book the B&B for the days that I need.
I know, it's still over a year away and we have plenty of time, but sometimes I just wish everything could be planned and booked already, so I'd just have to wait for the date of my departure to arrive.
Then again...we still haven't decided as to when I'll be coming over...all we've talked about..is May, next year.
But yeah...I know, we have plenty of time and we'll get to everything in time.
I just wish I could leave -this- May.

Crap

2009-04-10T11:37:00.002+02:00

So..things at work aren't exactly great.
We had this whole day of meeting, where we made a lot of agreements and deals and as of yet...none of them has worked.
No, that's not true; we've managed to meet everyday at 3 to see how the situation in the house is and if we need to make modifications...but that's the only one that's worked.
Everything that our management (bosses) agreed to, hasn't worked out.
First, we were supposed to have a seventh person there, who should -only- cover emergency illness...you know if I call in the morning and says I'm sick the seventh person will cover my shift, so they don't have to call for a temp.
But so far...the so called seventh person has covered one of our shifts, no matter what.
I don't know...there are a lot of little details that's just not working and it's driving me nuts.
Basically, none of us know what will happen when we get to work, every day....in terms of how many people are we? How long are the temps there for? It seems as though our group-leader-people (we have one in each department) doesn't know what the fuck they're doing and they most certainly do not know what the others are doing and it all just seems really random.
Now, I'm working with Illona for the weekend and I hope that she can make me a little more positive, because right now...my stomach hurts, my head hurts and...ugh, I just wanna stay home, quit and start working as a temp again.
Now, I'm sure that she won't like the fact that I've agreed to work on A for a while, but I hope that she'll support me in the fact that no one should take my position on the first floor....and that I'll come back asap.
Argh, it's all just so fucked and I really don't know how to turn it around, right now.

Work

2009-04-07T12:49:00.003+02:00

So...I'm going to work on Nat's birthday. I'm not completely okay with that, but I'm getting transferred to a different department for a while and I need some intro from Lene and she works mondays and tuesdays, so I don't really have a choice.
Now, the reason for this is that Lisbeth is out sick, going to a shrink and whatnot, because of one of the citizens on her floor and that means that on wednesdays and thursdays, there are only temps there and that's not cool.
So my boss asked me if I would mind helping out and I reluctantly agreed...on condition that I get an exact date as to when I go back to the first floor and I won't stay there for more than three months.
I haven't gotten the date, yet, but I will talk to my boss on the 14th and make sure that she understands my conditions.
Now, I know that Lisbeth might not wanna come back to the ground floor, because of that citizen, but if my boss thinks that she can just move me and let Lisbeth work on the first floor, instead of me, she's got a whole other thing coming, I can tell you that.
But for now, it's just temporary, so I guess there's no point in getting all worked up in advance...although, that is what I do, lol.
I swear, I don't care if I have to work dayshifts or whatever...if she moves me permanently, I will quit and go back to working as a temp and I will tell her that, if she as much as insinuates that my move might be permanent.

2009-04-03T20:10:00.004+02:00

My new shoes! DC shoes! Not MS ones, at that, but I still love them and they were fucking cheap, too!

Worship them!

Spending money

2009-03-24T20:21:00.005+01:00

So today, I put DKK 4.000 in my savings account. They didn't have as many dollars as I wanted to exchange, so I just decided to put the DKK in there and exchange them later on.
It doesn't matter all that much, really. I only exchange them now, because the dollar is like...cheaper than it's ever been.
But I can just exchange some, next time I go there, which hopefully won't be long. I should get my vacation card signed tomorrow or thursday and the money should be in my account by next week.
I also bought an external harddrive, hairdye, a Mickey Mouse weight and two pairs of jeans (one pair is hot pink and the other is purple, lol.)...size 42!!! Can you believe it?! I bought a white pair of jeans a couple of weeks ago and they're a 44 and these are a 42...they're all stretch denim, but still...I'm estatic, man!
Oh yeah, and I sent off a little gift for Nat. It's no big deal or anything, but her birthday's coming up and I couldn't very well ignore that, now could I?
I would've gotten something bigger...like a bracelet or something, but hey..maybe I'll buy her something when I get there, instead. Right now...I have to save every little money, I don't need to survive...so yeah.

....that's all.

Lonely.

2009-03-23T23:23:00.002+01:00

Where are you? Where the fuck are you?
You...the one who loves all my quirks and weird ideas, who calms me down with just a touch, when I'm hysterical, furious or miserable, who lets me cuddle up to you, when I feel weak or sad or just because I feel like it.
You, who softly strokes my hair, while I sleep, who sends me a random text, telling me you miss me.
You, whom I'll hold tight, when it's cold and rainy outside, whom I'll actually enjoy cooking for, even if my cooking is bad and we'll end up ordering pizza, whom I'll watch Batman or Taxi with, just because you love those movies.

I fucking miss you!

New blog.

2009-03-23T16:51:00.002+01:00

So I've decided to give this thing a try. It seems easier to manage, than LiveJournal, but for now I'll keep my LiveJournal, just until I get used to this thing.
I also like the fact that I can have pictures and my twitter thing on the side, here..which I can't figure out how to do on LiveJournal.
It's about time for a change, anyway. I've had my LiveJournal for like...8 years or something...which is crazy, by the way.
The layout...well, I'm still working on that. I kinda like the blue/red, but I'm not entirely sure, yet.
We'll see what happens.

Randomness!

Ranting and obsessing.

Ramblings.

Smoking, dating, depression, guilt and doubts.

The Catalyst.

Survey!! Yay!! *does a jig*

Grace.

Three weeks later....

Random thoughts.

Jealousy is a bitch.

FREAK!!

Dealing with stuff.

Daddy.

Dreams.

Bitching

Not Alone Video

February 14th.

Work

Pictures.

Dating, part two.

Dating

Ramblings

Music For Relief. Download To Donate for Haiti.

Drama!

Update.

New Years Resolutions.

Good news.

I live!

Life update.

Pouring shit out.

Ramble.

Out of Ashes

Dear Chester,

All over the place.

Copy cat.

Dream

*insert clever title here*

Ohhh the drama of it all!

Ranting.

Paranoia!

It's a girl!!

Dead By Sunrise - Crawl Back In video

....what does that have to do with muffins?

Mike versus Dave

Daughtry - Open Up Your Eyes

Random stuff.

The suckiest day in a long time.

Sucky day

My daily Twitterscope

Feeling blah and tired.

Good thing.

Various thoughts.

Calming down.

Frustration

Good thing.

Short one.

Oops!

I love Mr. Shinoda when he goes all rapper-ish on us.

Rambling.

Boring day. I need a life.

Surveys

My heart.

Good thing 8)

Phew.

Oh man.

Great mood!

Alphabet Survey, stolen from Jen.

LP Mafia

Keep fighting.

I'll take 'cancer' for 100, Alex.

New Years resolution....but not really.

Marc Anthony - You Sang To Me

Damn

I love random things.

Weirdness

Fucking rats.

A lil' of this, a lil' of that.

Damn.

New ink.

Random thoughts.

Survey!! Yay!! does a jig

insert clever title here