Random thoughts.

Why am I so weird? Why can't I be the queen of randomness, I used to be?
I miss the randomness, I used to have with Kate, Annabel, Jesse, Jess, Carly, Chesh, TJ and the rest of the insane crew.
Yeah, I know, I was way younger (well, around 6 years or so), but still..have I really become an old fart, like that?
And I really hate that I'm so needy and possessive. And I don't care if people say that it doesn't matter and that they don't mind, because I'm sure it becomes a pain in the ass, sometimes.
Last night, I was in a really bad place...y'know, the whole paranoia thing, again...and I couldn't help but wonder, if I'm that kind of person, who's so needy and pathetic that you just can't bring yourself to tell me what's -really- going on.
God, I hope not. I really do prefer being told the truth, even if it's nasty and will rip my heart out...better that, than to be lead on to believe that everything is fine and dandy, if it's really not.
It's like...the whole mess with Jesse. Yeah, it broke me completely and I randomly cried for weeks, but I know that what he did, was right. No, I didn't think so, at the time...I was ready to do just about anything, to get him back and get, what we had, back and he kept telling me that it'd be good for us in the long run and that he was just being honest with me, which I didn't get, because in the same sentence, he'd tell me how he loved me more than he could ever say.
But now...I guess, he was right. It wasn't really healthy for any of us and it had to end, eventually. Maybe it was a good thing, we never met because it would've been so much harder to have him leave, if things had turned out good, but on the other hand, I'm like...we should've taken that chance, anyway.
Yeah, things may not always turn out perfect and it may not meet our expectations, but that's okay because at least, then you can say that you gave it a shot and got an experience out of it and...who knows, hopefully had some fun during it.
This is why I'm so determined to go see Nat, next year. I don't expect our little...thing, whatever it is..to translate into real life, at all. In fact, I kinda expect it not to, but even so...she's a great friend and I heart her to death, so I'm like...why not? I'm 33 fucking years old and this is a chance for me to, not only meet someone I care a great deal about, but also to go see a country that I've loved for years and years so why shouldn't I?
I know...it's a long trip and a month is a long time, if we don't get along at all, but come on...life is for taking chances and I haven't taken many of them in my life...so this is an amazing opportunity for me and I'm determined to grab it and run with it.
And it's not like it's that big of a risk for Nat, anyway. I mean, she'll be at home and I'll be the one, miles away from home, in a strange place with strange people and all sorts of scary things, I'm sure.
I'm the one, saving up a shitload of money to do this, only to risk it blowing up in my face, but you know what? It doesn't matter, because I -want- this. I want it so bad, I wish I had the ticket booked, already. I wish, we had the tickets to AZ booked already and I wish...well, I wish I was leaving soon and not next year.