New Years resolution....but not really.

I've always hated New Years resolutions, mainly because people never stick with them.

I've found that for me... it works better, if it's just a spur-of-the-moment kinda thing.

The past few years, I've lost weight.

Within a couple of months, I will start working out and thereby become even healthier and lose more weight.

Two months ago, I quit smoking.

I mean, come on...even though I'm still very much a couch potato, no one can deny that I'm doing a lot of good things for my body and I actually feel good about it.

Now.... I need to become a better person.

I mean, seriously; I'm really not all that nice. I act all tough and like I don't care and the sad thing is.... I'm finding that I care less and less and it's scaring the shit out of me, to be honest.

I know that I've broken someone's trust in me, I guess is the best way to describe it and that is killing me, if I'm completely honest.

Inside.... it bugs me that I've lost that trust and I know that it's completely my fault because I'm just really not a nice person.

I'm selfish and bitchy and cold. Sure, I have my moments where I care and on a rare occasion I actually care to the point where I can cry, but honestly..... I don't think I've -really- cried since the time I watched 'My Dog Skip' and that was..... well, years ago.

Where did my ability to care about people, go? I don't have to be all excited about a subject or something, to be happy that someone else is excited about that thing or subject!

It's almost like I pride myself of having a (sometimes) bad temper, of being impatient and of not caring. As if it's a great thing that nothing really gets to me.

So I'm gonna try from now on to be a better person; to be glad when someone's excited about something, to 'aww' at cute kids, because I really do think they're cute, even if I don't want some of my own, to laugh when someone makes a funny or shows me something they think is funny.

And no, I don't mean that I'm gonna fight like fuck to be all fake, here, but I think I have to force myself to do some things, at first, for me to actually start feeling these things again, you know?

And I'm gonna use this thing a lot more, even if it means talking about something that is not really all that subtle and even if it means that people will know that I'm talking about them.

I'm not sure that I can confront people about everything I feel, just yet, but know that if it's mentioned here, it means that I care and that I'm getting better at being a nice person, every day.

I wanna do this, simply because it's killing me that my best friend lost that trust in me and because I actually don't like the way people see me.

I wanna be able to be..... maybe not her best friend.... but at least a friend, to -my- best friend again. I haven't been that in a long time..... if ever and it's actually hurting me inside. It hurts to realize that... even though I was proud to be a bitch, simply because I really wasn't one.... I've actually become one.

It fucking sucks and it hurts and I wanna change that.