Jealousy is a bitch.

Wow, it's been a long time, since I wrote in this thing. Mainly because I never think that I experience anything worth blogging about and that my life is so extremely boring that no one wants to read about it.
But this past weekend has been really rough on me and I'm still trying to deal, even though it's not really working very well.

The main thing was the jealousy I experienced, when my girlfriend (yes, that's what she is to me, even though she's very far away) started following and was followed by someone who's clearly had a crush on her before, on Twitter.
This person got a girlfriend somewhere and at some point and this girlfriend told her to not talk to my girlfriend and I have to admit that it suited me just fine because she bothered me a lot.
So I found out that they were following each other again and I flipped out, man. I had a serious breakdown in my shower and actually considered cutting myself off from the internet and everything because I just couldn't deal with the jealous feelings.
God, it hurt so bad. All the paranoia that jealousy is can really tear a person apart, man. What hurt the most was that my girlfriend hadn't told me, even though she knows that it's a big deal. And I can understand why she didn't, I guess, because she would've had to deal with my jealousy and in securities anyway.
I can't describe how horrible I felt and when we talked about it, I had to fight really hard not to say 'But it's only words and I don't believe you', when she told me how much she loves me and that this other person doesn't mean anything to her.
I won't even say the horrible thoughts I had, before we talked, because everything is caused by that jealousy and it's just horrible.
I was honest, however and said that part of me didn't believe her and that I will never be okay about them being in contact.
I know...I shouldn't be this involved with anyone and especially not anyone online, but what the hell can I do? I've fallen in love...with a girl...which is a first, by the way. Yeah, she annoys the crap out of me, sometimes, but I'm sure that she wants to strangle me, as well, sometimes....like when I pull my jealousy crap or get offended by random comments that are meant as jokes.
But that doesn't change the fact that I love her.
Then when something like this happens, I get angry at myself for getting so involved and think that I should just get a boyfriend....one that actually lives in my country...and so her and I can go back to being friends (that's what we are first and foremost), but then I think of what that would do to us.
Yeah, we claim to be 'realistic' about what we have and I think that we are, but that doesn't change the fact that I know that if she came and told me that she'd gotten a boyfriend, it would destroy me.
I can't speak for her, but I'm guessing she would be pretty hurt, if I got someone as well...even though, I have a feeling she'd never admit it ;)
The most ridiculous thing is...I know in the rational part of my brain that she can have contact with whomever and I would never know about it and she could actually have a boyfriend without my knowledge, as well...but I guess I just don't want to think about it.
The fact is...I know they're in some sort of contact or at least following each other and I'm done denying that it bothers me because it does..a lot. But then there's the part of me who doesn't want to be that girlfriend who's constantly trying to control who she talks to and all that bullshit, because in the end I can't control a goddamn thing.
So I'm trying to deal with the fact that yes, they're following each other and that's that. But man, it's hard. It's so, so, so, so hard and the jealous part of me just want to tell her to block her...so yeah, I'm struggling but so far...the rational side is winning.
And yes, that makes me sound very insane, but whatever.

We've also switched realtor and the price he's calculated our house to is very low. We don't really care, though and we hope that the bank will accept it.
If not, we have to keep living here until the crisis is looking up a little bit.
Only time will tell what will happen.

That's probably what's taking up most space in my mind.