I've spend the past week (mostly days off, of course), having a cold. Isn't that awesome? Me..I never get sick...never.
And I end up with a cold that pretty much felt like it was about to take me down. I forget how awful it feels to be sick and then when I do get sick like...once a year or whatever, I feel like I'm on the brink of death.
Now, I've called in sick yesterday and today, simply because I didn't feel 100%. Right now...I still don't. My nose is stuffy and my neck is sore, but I still think that I'm gonna go to work tomorrow.
Simply because it drives me a little crazy when I stay home for too long and I start obsessing about things...tiny, little, itty bitty things that should not be that big of a deal.
Like the following.
I become sad when I feel like I'm left out. Even with small things like a headache or whatever. It saddens me that it doesn't seem important enough to tell me...or that I'm not important enough to tell.
I hate it, but it disappoints me to no end, when there's not a message there in the morning. I kinda feel like I just don't matter.
I definitely feel disconnected and I don't think it's just about ATS, either. Maybe it's the age difference setting in?
That scares the crap out of me, to be honest. Mostly because I don't want it to. God, I'm so co-dependent and it bugs the hell out of me.
And I really don't care all that much about Linkin Park, anymore, either. I see all these sites put up interviews and whatnot on Twitter...and I just ignore it and sometimes get a little bit annoyed because I just don't care.
It's not that I don't want to watch the boys being interviewed, but I think that if I hear one more time that ATS is suuuuuuch an amazing album or how awesome the boys are for going out of their comfort zone or whatever, I think I might cry tears of frustration.
People are definitely entitled to their opinion and all and I respect that...but man, it just gets a little old when you've heard how fucking brilliant it is and how amazing and yada yada yada, for the millionth time, especially when you don't feel the same about it.
I've only listened to the damned thing twice, but honestly....I really don't have the urge to listen to it again.
I will, but I really don't feel like doing it. And I know I'm gonna skip a lot. Mike may say that you have to listen to the album from start to finish and bla bla, but honestly...I just can't be bothered and I tried that already and it just didn't do anything for me...at all. I was just waiting for it to be over, already.
All the non-songs are bugging the crap out of me and I know I'll skip them...much like Give Me Your Name by DBS, I probably won't give them a third listen, at all.
It bothers me that I -know- that there are A LOT of things that I'm not told or that is changed to be something safe, like on that horrible video from the other day.
I don't understand that. Yeah, I do it when my reply seems too bitchy or whatever but other than that...what's the worst that can happen? That you're honest and figure out that the world didn't implode.
It makes me sad, when people refer to me as a friend or sometimes, even best friend and still don't share things with me. I get that some things may seem to be/are irrelevant or just those every day things that don't seem important...but personal things...are you not supposed to share those with your best friend? I thought so.
Viser opslag med etiketten Me. Vis alle opslag
Viser opslag med etiketten Me. Vis alle opslag
torsdag, september 23, 2010
lørdag, august 28, 2010
Ramblings.
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.
It's almost time to go back to work. I go back on Wednesday.
I've exercised as I wanted to and I had the BEST time during Pride Parade! Kirsten and I walked with the Parade from start to finish - 3½ hours of walking and dancing and I ended up pretty drunk by the time we went home but I had an awesome time and I'm doing it again next year, that's for sure.
I didn't meet Nick for coffee because I got drunk at the parade, but then I told him that I couldn't imaging sleeping with him and he didn't want to keep dating me, then.
That's alright with me. Even if I think he could've been good for me, I think he would've had to be as a friend because I just wasn't attracted to him like that.
Yeah, he was sweet and whatnot, but also very, very curious about my economy and whatnot and that made me a bit paranoid, plus the fact that I just couldn't imagine having sex with him.
I'm not completely done with my bedroom and living room, but I'm getting there, lol. I'm so lazy.
It's about time for me to go back to work, though. I'm starting to feel slightly depressed-y and I'm extremely over sensitive and I get so easily hurt if my girl doesn't say what I expect her or reply right away or something and it's just very unfair.
I've just had a few days where I've felt extremely unloved, sad and pathetic and the fact that she's slightly pms-y and whatnot doesn't exactly help the situation.
So yeah...I need to go back to work.
Oh yeah and I saw the video for The Catalyst...and it made me like the song a bit more.
Seriously, the video is AWESOME and so beautiful and I'm a little bit obsessed with it, though I really don't want to be.
Yes, that's completely lame and very childish but it just annoys me a little bit that the song, I found to be seriously annoying, repetitive and so beneath my boys' talents, started growing on me, the second that I saw Mr. Hahn's (whom I really don't like as a person..the person we know, anyway) video for it. I guess that only says good things about Joe because he really is a good director..but yeah.
I still think the lyrics are repetitive and annoying, but they seem so much more bearable when I watch the video and I don't know if it's the song growing on me or if it's because of Mike and Chester's insane hotness, because let me tell you....THEY ARE FUCKING HOT!!!!!
Yeah, I don't care about the rest of the band's participation in the video (s), but those two are fucking hot.
onsdag, august 18, 2010
Smoking, dating, depression, guilt and doubts.
When I leave work on Thursday night, I'm on vacation for 12 days. Now, of course I plan on doing nothing and write a lot, but I also have a few things that I want to do.
- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.
Now, lately it's been difficult living in my house...for me, at least. It actually got so bad that when I drove to the doctor's on Monday, I cried the whole ½ hour drive there.
I get very frustrated because the parental units have started smoking inside again. I could deal with them starting to smoke again, but it's very difficult to deal with them smoking in the house - especially because the no-smoking signs are still up on the doors, which I find to be very hypocritical.
This has caused me to permanently close my door to my hallway. I know, I can't avoid the smoke completely because that would mean that I was moving out, but at least I can make it less horrible in my own end by having the door shut at all times.
My mom's doctor also claims that she has a depression and has given her anti-depressants for it, which is good, I guess.
I just don't believe that she's got an actual depression - I think she could be on the verge of one and therefore he's given her the meds, but yeah.
Normally, people with depressions don't function very well and they're extremely tired all the time, sleeping a lot. Now, my mom has been tired since she stopped working, because she's got that lung disease but she functions alright and even has the energy to bitch at me and my step dad, whenever we don't dance to her tune and not many depressed people have the energy to do that - they just can't bring themselves to care enough.
Of course...my mom being my mom, she's very dramatic about it and it seems like she's expecting my stepdad and I to be nothing but fucking understanding and do whatever she demands.
Well, I'm sorry mother dearest, but that would mean that I was letting you stay in that state of mind and I'm not gonna do that, so I'm gonna treat you like I normally do and tell you when you're out of line - at least toward me.
What my stepdad does, is his business but I have a feeling that he'll explode at some point, too because she really is rather demanding and expects him to just do whatever she wants.
Can you tell that I'm annoyed with my mom, lately? Lol. I know, it's probably not -that- bad, but I'm just extremely annoyed these days (pms also playing a part, I think) and that colors my view on everything, too, of course.
I've been on two dates with Nick and he seems like a nice guy. I think the problem is that I've been single for so very long that I just don't know how to trust guys, anymore.
Of course, there's also the issue with my girl which is causing me to feel EXTREMELY guilty, whenever I see Nick.
Part of me goes 'yeah, but she's in Memphis and you are here - you need to do something for yourself and your life here and she knows this', but the other part of me is like 'yeah, but you love her and you wanna go see her...are you sure you should be doing this?'.
It's very frustrating and even though I've tried talking to my mom about the whole Nick situation, it's just not working because she's so caught up in herself, she can barely pretend to care, when I mention anything about it....which hurts, too.
I have a gut feeling that Nick could be good for me...if I could just let my guard down, which I can't seem to do.
I mean, we've only been on two dates which is nothing and certainly not enough to say that you know someone and I've had to tell him to back the fuck off a little, because he was very 'oh, I would like to kiss you or hold your hand' and I was like 'get away from me, I'm not there yet!'. Then he told me that I should tell him if I wanted him as a boyfriend, to which I said that I was so far from being anywhere near that as I could be.
Seriously, I've pushed him away because I'm scared shitless of opening up, of losing my best friend and of getting hurt and hurting my best friend....and he just accepts it.
Now, part of me thinks that it's awesome and that maybe he really does like me enough to stick around and be patient...the other part of me is completely paranoid and thinks he's just being patient to use me and the second I should sleep with him (soooooo far from even considering doing that, though!) or something, he's going to hurt me.
I don't know. I think it's very difficult to be me, these days. And yes, that sounds horribly selfish and I know that I should be nicer to my mom (in general, not because of the alleged depression) and other people, but I just feel like I have so much on my mind that I can't really wrap my brain around anything else, right now.
- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.
Now, lately it's been difficult living in my house...for me, at least. It actually got so bad that when I drove to the doctor's on Monday, I cried the whole ½ hour drive there.
I get very frustrated because the parental units have started smoking inside again. I could deal with them starting to smoke again, but it's very difficult to deal with them smoking in the house - especially because the no-smoking signs are still up on the doors, which I find to be very hypocritical.
This has caused me to permanently close my door to my hallway. I know, I can't avoid the smoke completely because that would mean that I was moving out, but at least I can make it less horrible in my own end by having the door shut at all times.
My mom's doctor also claims that she has a depression and has given her anti-depressants for it, which is good, I guess.
I just don't believe that she's got an actual depression - I think she could be on the verge of one and therefore he's given her the meds, but yeah.
Normally, people with depressions don't function very well and they're extremely tired all the time, sleeping a lot. Now, my mom has been tired since she stopped working, because she's got that lung disease but she functions alright and even has the energy to bitch at me and my step dad, whenever we don't dance to her tune and not many depressed people have the energy to do that - they just can't bring themselves to care enough.
Of course...my mom being my mom, she's very dramatic about it and it seems like she's expecting my stepdad and I to be nothing but fucking understanding and do whatever she demands.
Well, I'm sorry mother dearest, but that would mean that I was letting you stay in that state of mind and I'm not gonna do that, so I'm gonna treat you like I normally do and tell you when you're out of line - at least toward me.
What my stepdad does, is his business but I have a feeling that he'll explode at some point, too because she really is rather demanding and expects him to just do whatever she wants.
Can you tell that I'm annoyed with my mom, lately? Lol. I know, it's probably not -that- bad, but I'm just extremely annoyed these days (pms also playing a part, I think) and that colors my view on everything, too, of course.
I've been on two dates with Nick and he seems like a nice guy. I think the problem is that I've been single for so very long that I just don't know how to trust guys, anymore.
Of course, there's also the issue with my girl which is causing me to feel EXTREMELY guilty, whenever I see Nick.
Part of me goes 'yeah, but she's in Memphis and you are here - you need to do something for yourself and your life here and she knows this', but the other part of me is like 'yeah, but you love her and you wanna go see her...are you sure you should be doing this?'.
It's very frustrating and even though I've tried talking to my mom about the whole Nick situation, it's just not working because she's so caught up in herself, she can barely pretend to care, when I mention anything about it....which hurts, too.
I have a gut feeling that Nick could be good for me...if I could just let my guard down, which I can't seem to do.
I mean, we've only been on two dates which is nothing and certainly not enough to say that you know someone and I've had to tell him to back the fuck off a little, because he was very 'oh, I would like to kiss you or hold your hand' and I was like 'get away from me, I'm not there yet!'. Then he told me that I should tell him if I wanted him as a boyfriend, to which I said that I was so far from being anywhere near that as I could be.
Seriously, I've pushed him away because I'm scared shitless of opening up, of losing my best friend and of getting hurt and hurting my best friend....and he just accepts it.
Now, part of me thinks that it's awesome and that maybe he really does like me enough to stick around and be patient...the other part of me is completely paranoid and thinks he's just being patient to use me and the second I should sleep with him (soooooo far from even considering doing that, though!) or something, he's going to hurt me.
I don't know. I think it's very difficult to be me, these days. And yes, that sounds horribly selfish and I know that I should be nicer to my mom (in general, not because of the alleged depression) and other people, but I just feel like I have so much on my mind that I can't really wrap my brain around anything else, right now.
onsdag, august 04, 2010
The Catalyst.
Linkin Park's new single, The Catalyst, was released on Monday. Well, make that Monday night, here.
I was so excited, finally feeling that old LP excitement and love. Until I heard the song.
Now, everything is a matter of taste and just to prevent people from screaming at me in the comments, saying that I'm dissing LP and whatever else kind of bullshit, so called 'real' fans can come up with, I'm gonna say that the following is MY opinion of the song.
I find The Catalyst to be the worst LP song, I've ever heard...well, I guess it's right there with Reanimation, Wake and Session (no, I didn't like those either, because contrary to popular belief, I don't have to like every fucking thing that Linkin Park does, to call myself a fan.).
I don't like electronic music and this is very much electronic, borderline techno, if you ask me and I just think it's horrible.
I think the music drowns out Mike and Chester's voice, that sound weird, anyway but that might just be how it's sampled or whatever and I find the lyrics to be repetitive and very annoying.
I won't say that I was disappointed in The Catalyst because I honestly didn't really have any expectations, but I just really don't like it.
Now, I have pre-ordered the album A Thousand Suns and I'm really hoping that the rest of the songs will be something that I can stand listening to.
If not, I'm gonna have to break up with the current Linkin Park, for the time being.
I'm not one of those fanatic fans, who thinks that I should just worship anything and everything the band and each of its members do, but I have had my share of panic attacks about not feeling excited about the album.
Not anymore, though. I've grown up in the past two years and I'm not the same obsessive-must-travel-to-Germany-to-see-LP-live kinda girl, anymore.
I'm not going to their show, here, either. I just can't be bothered to travel to the other side of the (TINY!!) country, to see them.
I may not like this album, but if they decide to make another, maybe I'll like that one and if not...I'm pretty damn sure that the world won't swallow me whole.
It took me a while to warm up to Fort Minor and there are still some songs that I think are lame and horrible. Same goes with DBS, though that type of music is probably more in my area than Fort Minor ever was.
My point is this...I've been a hardcore fan of Linkin Park's since 2002 or something like that, I have 3 tattoos with their songs and I have practically every CD and DVD (aside from Reanimation which I sent to Singapore), they've ever made.
I consider myself a lifetime fan of their three first albums, no matter what I think of this one and I'll be forever branded as theirs, no matter what happens, lol.
Respect to the guys for making something so different with The Catalyst. I don't find it to be genius and I prefer not to be subjected to it, but I still respect the boys for making it.
I was so excited, finally feeling that old LP excitement and love. Until I heard the song.
Now, everything is a matter of taste and just to prevent people from screaming at me in the comments, saying that I'm dissing LP and whatever else kind of bullshit, so called 'real' fans can come up with, I'm gonna say that the following is MY opinion of the song.
I find The Catalyst to be the worst LP song, I've ever heard...well, I guess it's right there with Reanimation, Wake and Session (no, I didn't like those either, because contrary to popular belief, I don't have to like every fucking thing that Linkin Park does, to call myself a fan.).
I don't like electronic music and this is very much electronic, borderline techno, if you ask me and I just think it's horrible.
I think the music drowns out Mike and Chester's voice, that sound weird, anyway but that might just be how it's sampled or whatever and I find the lyrics to be repetitive and very annoying.
I won't say that I was disappointed in The Catalyst because I honestly didn't really have any expectations, but I just really don't like it.
Now, I have pre-ordered the album A Thousand Suns and I'm really hoping that the rest of the songs will be something that I can stand listening to.
If not, I'm gonna have to break up with the current Linkin Park, for the time being.
I'm not one of those fanatic fans, who thinks that I should just worship anything and everything the band and each of its members do, but I have had my share of panic attacks about not feeling excited about the album.
Not anymore, though. I've grown up in the past two years and I'm not the same obsessive-must-travel-to-Germany-to-see-LP-live kinda girl, anymore.
I'm not going to their show, here, either. I just can't be bothered to travel to the other side of the (TINY!!) country, to see them.
I may not like this album, but if they decide to make another, maybe I'll like that one and if not...I'm pretty damn sure that the world won't swallow me whole.
It took me a while to warm up to Fort Minor and there are still some songs that I think are lame and horrible. Same goes with DBS, though that type of music is probably more in my area than Fort Minor ever was.
My point is this...I've been a hardcore fan of Linkin Park's since 2002 or something like that, I have 3 tattoos with their songs and I have practically every CD and DVD (aside from Reanimation which I sent to Singapore), they've ever made.
I consider myself a lifetime fan of their three first albums, no matter what I think of this one and I'll be forever branded as theirs, no matter what happens, lol.
Respect to the guys for making something so different with The Catalyst. I don't find it to be genius and I prefer not to be subjected to it, but I still respect the boys for making it.
lørdag, juli 17, 2010
Three weeks later....
So I've been living in my co-worker's apartment for the past three weeks and it's been an experience.
First of all; everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not one who cleans and vacuums and whatnot every week or even every month. But entering this apartment was mind blowing. Especially, because my co-worker was -really- excited and said 'can you tell that I've cleaned like crazy for you?'. I couldn't. Not at all. In fact it looks like she hasn't cleaned in years.
I'm not bullshitting you. The first thing I did, was vacuum the entire (tiny, one bedroom) apartment, just so I didn't have to wear shoes inside.
I also washed some of the windows...though only on the outside and I'm telling you...the water was brown. Seriously; dark brown like my natural hair color. It was gross.
Not only that, but the first time I had to shower, I had to continuously move the shower head around just to get wet. Water wasn't pouring down, but more like to all sides from the shower head. So that caused me to soak it in vinegar for 24 hours or so. That helped.
I didn't take anything out of any cabinet in the kitchen and use it, before washing it. Everything is so dirty, man.
Seriously, this co-worker claims to have dust allergies. Well, I'm claiming that she can stuff that up her ass because anyone who can live in all of this filth, does not have dust allergies. Not even dust intolerant. Seriously, it's gross.
Then there's the tale of the hot water...or lack of same...well, lack of pressure, anyway. Seriously, I can't wait to go home to take a REAL shower, where there's actually pressure on the water.
Here, it's like...you turn on the hot water and then barely touch the cold one...and the water seriously looks like it can't really be bothered coming out of the tap/shower head, but if you insist...
I could not live like this every day, all the time. I would go crazy!
So why did I stay for 3 weeks? Because both me and my parents needed it. We needed the space. Now...I can't wait to go home on Monday morning. I told my mom to pick me up at 9am, simply because I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME!
I can't say that I'll never stay here again, because it's been nice with a break, but I'll still be amazed how someone can live in a place this filthy. It seriously boggles my mind.
....my laptop needs to be dusted, as well, lol.
First of all; everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not one who cleans and vacuums and whatnot every week or even every month. But entering this apartment was mind blowing. Especially, because my co-worker was -really- excited and said 'can you tell that I've cleaned like crazy for you?'. I couldn't. Not at all. In fact it looks like she hasn't cleaned in years.
I'm not bullshitting you. The first thing I did, was vacuum the entire (tiny, one bedroom) apartment, just so I didn't have to wear shoes inside.
I also washed some of the windows...though only on the outside and I'm telling you...the water was brown. Seriously; dark brown like my natural hair color. It was gross.
Not only that, but the first time I had to shower, I had to continuously move the shower head around just to get wet. Water wasn't pouring down, but more like to all sides from the shower head. So that caused me to soak it in vinegar for 24 hours or so. That helped.
I didn't take anything out of any cabinet in the kitchen and use it, before washing it. Everything is so dirty, man.
Seriously, this co-worker claims to have dust allergies. Well, I'm claiming that she can stuff that up her ass because anyone who can live in all of this filth, does not have dust allergies. Not even dust intolerant. Seriously, it's gross.
Then there's the tale of the hot water...or lack of same...well, lack of pressure, anyway. Seriously, I can't wait to go home to take a REAL shower, where there's actually pressure on the water.
Here, it's like...you turn on the hot water and then barely touch the cold one...and the water seriously looks like it can't really be bothered coming out of the tap/shower head, but if you insist...
I could not live like this every day, all the time. I would go crazy!
So why did I stay for 3 weeks? Because both me and my parents needed it. We needed the space. Now...I can't wait to go home on Monday morning. I told my mom to pick me up at 9am, simply because I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME!
I can't say that I'll never stay here again, because it's been nice with a break, but I'll still be amazed how someone can live in a place this filthy. It seriously boggles my mind.
....my laptop needs to be dusted, as well, lol.
fredag, juli 09, 2010
Random thoughts.
- Our house is not for sale anymore. The bank wouldn't accept the new price. I don't blame them because we would lose A LOT of money and I prefer to get out of it with a big, fat ZERO on the bottom line or maybe even with money.
- My mom was pretty crushed that the bank said no, so now she's getting a kitten, instead, lol.
- I'm currently living in the apartment of a co-worker and will be until the 19th. It's awesome to be alone again, but also a bit difficult because I have to fight my own head again. I love being on my own, but I have to fight my own thoughts a lot and I'm not always successful.
- I did a thing I never thought I'd do; I asked my girlfriend to stop following and block the person I mentioned in my previous post. It's a bit naive, I know...because in all reality (no blame, just realism), they could be talking on AIM, MSN and Yahoo, not to mention pretty much everywhere else and I would never know. But I'm trying not to focus on that and just be grateful that my girlfriend actually did this for me, because it's a very big deal for me and means the world. Maybe it's just me, but it's also left a bit of awkwardness between us. I think I'm more needy than normal and maybe she's getting a bit sick of that because she doesn't seem to be. So I'm trying to back off a little and not be a drama queen when I don't get BB messages in the morning and whatnot. I don't know, like I said; I need to fight my own head a little bit because my brain can seriously come up with a lot of bullshit and I can't allow it to take over. The fact that I asked her to unfollow and block was more than enough and the rest...well, I just have to fucking deal with it and stop being so dramatic. If I don't, it'll drive us apart and I don't want to lose my best friend.
- Linkin Park is releasing their new album 'A Thousand Suns' on September 14th and for a while, I was very 'meh' about it. Didn't really give a damn, to be honest and it was depressing the fuck out of me, no bullshit. This is my favorite band, we're talking about!! I should be jumping around like a mad person that they're finally releasing another album! And yet, I was like 'Oh, September 14th? Okay.' and that was it. It was doing my head in and even more so because my best friend was really excited and couldn't really say anything to make me feel better. It got to a point where I almost got angry at her for being excited. Yes, I'm weird. Then we talked a bit back and forth and I listened to the song from their game (which I still find to be a lame idea, by the way), 'Blackbirds' and it's just...maybe it was because of my mood, but I'm not sure...a very depressing song.
Chester's voice was amazing and it became clear to me that I don't listen to them enough, when I can forget how amazing Mr. Bennington's voice really is.
Then we listened to New Divide and it put a smile on my face instantly. I'd forgotten how much I loved that song. So I promised myself that I would listen to a lot more LP over my days off and generally in my life and as I listen to Points Of Authority from Live in Texas, right now, I'm finding my love for the boys again and I'm sure that I'll be super excited by the time the album is out.
I'm not going to go to their show unless they add a date in Copenhagen, though. I've been to two shows and they're awesome, I should be willing to ride my bike to Jutland to attend, but honestly...I promised I'd take Kirsten, but I can't really wrap my brain around going to Jutland with her. She's too distracted and does everything at the last moment and that pisses me off and I don't want to be pissed off at a LP show.
I can live without going to their show, if I'm honest.
- Things at work are sucky. For the first time, I'm actually enjoying to be working with temps and there's only one reason for that; when I work with temps, I'm sure that I'll get to stay on my own floor.
I talked to my boss about this and told her that I can feel that I'll go down with stress, if we don't do something about it. I spent two days with stomach ache and barely sleeping, before I had to go to work and realized that I had to do something about it or I'll break.
That caused her to mention that maybe we should all be introduced to the other two 'departments', so we had a better knowledge of how things are there, which I think would be awesome.
Not because I'm jumping in excitement about having to work other departments than my own, but if I -have to-, then I want to know what the fuck I'm doing and not just go by instinct.
Of course, some of my co-workers thinks it's a horrible idea because they really don't want to work anything but their own department and the only comment I had to their 'I don't want to do that!!', was 'well, then come up with a different suggestion.' and that shut them up.
We'll talk about this in the fall and see if we can figure out a solution. In the meantime, I'm seriously considering finding a different job, to be honest. Only time will tell what will happen.
- My mom was pretty crushed that the bank said no, so now she's getting a kitten, instead, lol.
- I'm currently living in the apartment of a co-worker and will be until the 19th. It's awesome to be alone again, but also a bit difficult because I have to fight my own head again. I love being on my own, but I have to fight my own thoughts a lot and I'm not always successful.
- I did a thing I never thought I'd do; I asked my girlfriend to stop following and block the person I mentioned in my previous post. It's a bit naive, I know...because in all reality (no blame, just realism), they could be talking on AIM, MSN and Yahoo, not to mention pretty much everywhere else and I would never know. But I'm trying not to focus on that and just be grateful that my girlfriend actually did this for me, because it's a very big deal for me and means the world. Maybe it's just me, but it's also left a bit of awkwardness between us. I think I'm more needy than normal and maybe she's getting a bit sick of that because she doesn't seem to be. So I'm trying to back off a little and not be a drama queen when I don't get BB messages in the morning and whatnot. I don't know, like I said; I need to fight my own head a little bit because my brain can seriously come up with a lot of bullshit and I can't allow it to take over. The fact that I asked her to unfollow and block was more than enough and the rest...well, I just have to fucking deal with it and stop being so dramatic. If I don't, it'll drive us apart and I don't want to lose my best friend.
- Linkin Park is releasing their new album 'A Thousand Suns' on September 14th and for a while, I was very 'meh' about it. Didn't really give a damn, to be honest and it was depressing the fuck out of me, no bullshit. This is my favorite band, we're talking about!! I should be jumping around like a mad person that they're finally releasing another album! And yet, I was like 'Oh, September 14th? Okay.' and that was it. It was doing my head in and even more so because my best friend was really excited and couldn't really say anything to make me feel better. It got to a point where I almost got angry at her for being excited. Yes, I'm weird. Then we talked a bit back and forth and I listened to the song from their game (which I still find to be a lame idea, by the way), 'Blackbirds' and it's just...maybe it was because of my mood, but I'm not sure...a very depressing song.
Chester's voice was amazing and it became clear to me that I don't listen to them enough, when I can forget how amazing Mr. Bennington's voice really is.
Then we listened to New Divide and it put a smile on my face instantly. I'd forgotten how much I loved that song. So I promised myself that I would listen to a lot more LP over my days off and generally in my life and as I listen to Points Of Authority from Live in Texas, right now, I'm finding my love for the boys again and I'm sure that I'll be super excited by the time the album is out.
I'm not going to go to their show unless they add a date in Copenhagen, though. I've been to two shows and they're awesome, I should be willing to ride my bike to Jutland to attend, but honestly...I promised I'd take Kirsten, but I can't really wrap my brain around going to Jutland with her. She's too distracted and does everything at the last moment and that pisses me off and I don't want to be pissed off at a LP show.
I can live without going to their show, if I'm honest.
- Things at work are sucky. For the first time, I'm actually enjoying to be working with temps and there's only one reason for that; when I work with temps, I'm sure that I'll get to stay on my own floor.
I talked to my boss about this and told her that I can feel that I'll go down with stress, if we don't do something about it. I spent two days with stomach ache and barely sleeping, before I had to go to work and realized that I had to do something about it or I'll break.
That caused her to mention that maybe we should all be introduced to the other two 'departments', so we had a better knowledge of how things are there, which I think would be awesome.
Not because I'm jumping in excitement about having to work other departments than my own, but if I -have to-, then I want to know what the fuck I'm doing and not just go by instinct.
Of course, some of my co-workers thinks it's a horrible idea because they really don't want to work anything but their own department and the only comment I had to their 'I don't want to do that!!', was 'well, then come up with a different suggestion.' and that shut them up.
We'll talk about this in the fall and see if we can figure out a solution. In the meantime, I'm seriously considering finding a different job, to be honest. Only time will tell what will happen.
søndag, juni 20, 2010
Jealousy is a bitch.
Wow, it's been a long time, since I wrote in this thing. Mainly because I never think that I experience anything worth blogging about and that my life is so extremely boring that no one wants to read about it.
But this past weekend has been really rough on me and I'm still trying to deal, even though it's not really working very well.
The main thing was the jealousy I experienced, when my girlfriend (yes, that's what she is to me, even though she's very far away) started following and was followed by someone who's clearly had a crush on her before, on Twitter.
This person got a girlfriend somewhere and at some point and this girlfriend told her to not talk to my girlfriend and I have to admit that it suited me just fine because she bothered me a lot.
So I found out that they were following each other again and I flipped out, man. I had a serious breakdown in my shower and actually considered cutting myself off from the internet and everything because I just couldn't deal with the jealous feelings.
God, it hurt so bad. All the paranoia that jealousy is can really tear a person apart, man. What hurt the most was that my girlfriend hadn't told me, even though she knows that it's a big deal. And I can understand why she didn't, I guess, because she would've had to deal with my jealousy and in securities anyway.
I can't describe how horrible I felt and when we talked about it, I had to fight really hard not to say 'But it's only words and I don't believe you', when she told me how much she loves me and that this other person doesn't mean anything to her.
I won't even say the horrible thoughts I had, before we talked, because everything is caused by that jealousy and it's just horrible.
I was honest, however and said that part of me didn't believe her and that I will never be okay about them being in contact.
I know...I shouldn't be this involved with anyone and especially not anyone online, but what the hell can I do? I've fallen in love...with a girl...which is a first, by the way. Yeah, she annoys the crap out of me, sometimes, but I'm sure that she wants to strangle me, as well, sometimes....like when I pull my jealousy crap or get offended by random comments that are meant as jokes.
But that doesn't change the fact that I love her.
Then when something like this happens, I get angry at myself for getting so involved and think that I should just get a boyfriend....one that actually lives in my country...and so her and I can go back to being friends (that's what we are first and foremost), but then I think of what that would do to us.
Yeah, we claim to be 'realistic' about what we have and I think that we are, but that doesn't change the fact that I know that if she came and told me that she'd gotten a boyfriend, it would destroy me.
I can't speak for her, but I'm guessing she would be pretty hurt, if I got someone as well...even though, I have a feeling she'd never admit it ;)
The most ridiculous thing is...I know in the rational part of my brain that she can have contact with whomever and I would never know about it and she could actually have a boyfriend without my knowledge, as well...but I guess I just don't want to think about it.
The fact is...I know they're in some sort of contact or at least following each other and I'm done denying that it bothers me because it does..a lot. But then there's the part of me who doesn't want to be that girlfriend who's constantly trying to control who she talks to and all that bullshit, because in the end I can't control a goddamn thing.
So I'm trying to deal with the fact that yes, they're following each other and that's that. But man, it's hard. It's so, so, so, so hard and the jealous part of me just want to tell her to block her...so yeah, I'm struggling but so far...the rational side is winning.
And yes, that makes me sound very insane, but whatever.
We've also switched realtor and the price he's calculated our house to is very low. We don't really care, though and we hope that the bank will accept it.
If not, we have to keep living here until the crisis is looking up a little bit.
Only time will tell what will happen.
That's probably what's taking up most space in my mind.
But this past weekend has been really rough on me and I'm still trying to deal, even though it's not really working very well.
The main thing was the jealousy I experienced, when my girlfriend (yes, that's what she is to me, even though she's very far away) started following and was followed by someone who's clearly had a crush on her before, on Twitter.
This person got a girlfriend somewhere and at some point and this girlfriend told her to not talk to my girlfriend and I have to admit that it suited me just fine because she bothered me a lot.
So I found out that they were following each other again and I flipped out, man. I had a serious breakdown in my shower and actually considered cutting myself off from the internet and everything because I just couldn't deal with the jealous feelings.
God, it hurt so bad. All the paranoia that jealousy is can really tear a person apart, man. What hurt the most was that my girlfriend hadn't told me, even though she knows that it's a big deal. And I can understand why she didn't, I guess, because she would've had to deal with my jealousy and in securities anyway.
I can't describe how horrible I felt and when we talked about it, I had to fight really hard not to say 'But it's only words and I don't believe you', when she told me how much she loves me and that this other person doesn't mean anything to her.
I won't even say the horrible thoughts I had, before we talked, because everything is caused by that jealousy and it's just horrible.
I was honest, however and said that part of me didn't believe her and that I will never be okay about them being in contact.
I know...I shouldn't be this involved with anyone and especially not anyone online, but what the hell can I do? I've fallen in love...with a girl...which is a first, by the way. Yeah, she annoys the crap out of me, sometimes, but I'm sure that she wants to strangle me, as well, sometimes....like when I pull my jealousy crap or get offended by random comments that are meant as jokes.
But that doesn't change the fact that I love her.
Then when something like this happens, I get angry at myself for getting so involved and think that I should just get a boyfriend....one that actually lives in my country...and so her and I can go back to being friends (that's what we are first and foremost), but then I think of what that would do to us.
Yeah, we claim to be 'realistic' about what we have and I think that we are, but that doesn't change the fact that I know that if she came and told me that she'd gotten a boyfriend, it would destroy me.
I can't speak for her, but I'm guessing she would be pretty hurt, if I got someone as well...even though, I have a feeling she'd never admit it ;)
The most ridiculous thing is...I know in the rational part of my brain that she can have contact with whomever and I would never know about it and she could actually have a boyfriend without my knowledge, as well...but I guess I just don't want to think about it.
The fact is...I know they're in some sort of contact or at least following each other and I'm done denying that it bothers me because it does..a lot. But then there's the part of me who doesn't want to be that girlfriend who's constantly trying to control who she talks to and all that bullshit, because in the end I can't control a goddamn thing.
So I'm trying to deal with the fact that yes, they're following each other and that's that. But man, it's hard. It's so, so, so, so hard and the jealous part of me just want to tell her to block her...so yeah, I'm struggling but so far...the rational side is winning.
And yes, that makes me sound very insane, but whatever.
We've also switched realtor and the price he's calculated our house to is very low. We don't really care, though and we hope that the bank will accept it.
If not, we have to keep living here until the crisis is looking up a little bit.
Only time will tell what will happen.
That's probably what's taking up most space in my mind.
torsdag, marts 11, 2010
Daddy.
Today would've been my daddy's 65Th birthday. That means that it's been 7 years since he passed away...well, almost because he passed in June, I believe, but yeah...close enough.
My dad was a very strange man that I, unfortunately, have inherited a lot from. We're both really good at hiding our emotions, even though I have a lot more temper than he did and I tend to blow up whereas he just removed himself from the conflict.
My entire childhood he was more like a lamp than an actual dad; he never really helped raise me and we were not very close at all.
He wasn't really a good husband to my mother (I know, it's a two-way street and she wasn't a good wife, either) and even cheated on her on several occasions (she cheated on him, later on and got her revenge, I suppose), which only drove him and I even further apart.
After they got divorced (I was 19), my dad had a hard time keeping in contact with me and it was one-way communication for a long while because, even if I wasn't close to him, he was still my dad and I didn't want to lose contact with him.
At some point, I had to level with him, though and I told him that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to talk to me, but that if he did, he would have to initiate contact as well.
Throughout his life, our relationship was awkward. Probably because we both had a hard time sharing our emotions.
Before he passed away, however, he came to live with me because he'd had open heart surgery and I wouldn't let him stay at his apartment alone. It was from my apartment he called 911 on the day he had a blood clot in his heart.
He was on my couch, dying when he called 911.
The last time I talked to my father, we fought. We fought because he was in more pain than anyone could imagine and he hurt my feelings. I cried and yelled at him, before I left.
A couple of hours later, the hospital called me and told me to come immediately.
He died the next morning at 3.55am.
I've worked through everything and I don't blame myself for fighting with him that morning and I know that our fight didn't have anything to do with him dying. He would've died anyway.
But today, I've spend a lot of time, thinking about my daddy. Not with regret but more with the reality of what we had.
We didn't have the ideal father/daughter relationship - not by a long shot, but it wasn't just his fault. We were both responsible for that.
I wonder what would've happened if I had just randomly hugged him.
I can't change the fact that I never did, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that I had.
I love you, daddy and I miss you every day.
My dad was a very strange man that I, unfortunately, have inherited a lot from. We're both really good at hiding our emotions, even though I have a lot more temper than he did and I tend to blow up whereas he just removed himself from the conflict.
My entire childhood he was more like a lamp than an actual dad; he never really helped raise me and we were not very close at all.
He wasn't really a good husband to my mother (I know, it's a two-way street and she wasn't a good wife, either) and even cheated on her on several occasions (she cheated on him, later on and got her revenge, I suppose), which only drove him and I even further apart.
After they got divorced (I was 19), my dad had a hard time keeping in contact with me and it was one-way communication for a long while because, even if I wasn't close to him, he was still my dad and I didn't want to lose contact with him.
At some point, I had to level with him, though and I told him that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to talk to me, but that if he did, he would have to initiate contact as well.
Throughout his life, our relationship was awkward. Probably because we both had a hard time sharing our emotions.
Before he passed away, however, he came to live with me because he'd had open heart surgery and I wouldn't let him stay at his apartment alone. It was from my apartment he called 911 on the day he had a blood clot in his heart.
He was on my couch, dying when he called 911.
The last time I talked to my father, we fought. We fought because he was in more pain than anyone could imagine and he hurt my feelings. I cried and yelled at him, before I left.
A couple of hours later, the hospital called me and told me to come immediately.
He died the next morning at 3.55am.
I've worked through everything and I don't blame myself for fighting with him that morning and I know that our fight didn't have anything to do with him dying. He would've died anyway.
But today, I've spend a lot of time, thinking about my daddy. Not with regret but more with the reality of what we had.
We didn't have the ideal father/daughter relationship - not by a long shot, but it wasn't just his fault. We were both responsible for that.
I wonder what would've happened if I had just randomly hugged him.
I can't change the fact that I never did, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that I had.
I love you, daddy and I miss you every day.
lørdag, marts 06, 2010
Dreams.
I dreamed about my girl, last night. I think I was influenced by my RPG or something, lol, because it was pretty much a romantic make-out/groping dream, lol.
I know that sounds horribly dirty and whatnot, but it really wasn't. It was nice and romantic and just...pretty fluffy, really.
I pretty much spend most of the night, making out with her, lol and it was just....yeah, nice.
Then I woke up and went back to sleep and then dreamed that we were having bingo night at work and for some reason, my ex and his new girlfriend was there. Not that I mind, at all because I was done with him when I moved out, 10 years ago, but it was just a weird place for them to be.
Then someone brought two big dogs (a mastiff and a rottweiler, I think it was) and one of our citizens freaked out because they came into his apartment (I don't know how, because the door was closed, but they did.) and I had to go tell them to get out of there.
Good thing I'm not afraid of dogs, like Kirsten.
And for some reason, I kept changing my shoes, from my flip-flops to my cowboy boots and my emus and I kept losing my socks, which I had to wear for my cowboy boots - very strange indeed.
Once we were all going to leave, I wanted to borrow Lars and Gitte's (ex and girlfriend) DVD with Alice In Wonderland (the new one w/Johnny Depp, yes. I have no desire to watch that movie, though so I don't know.), but they wouldn't let me.
Once we were outside, there were three people on a bike...a bike made for three people, that is and it was all just very weird, but I suppose we all drove away before my alarm woke me up.
I know that sounds horribly dirty and whatnot, but it really wasn't. It was nice and romantic and just...pretty fluffy, really.
I pretty much spend most of the night, making out with her, lol and it was just....yeah, nice.
Then I woke up and went back to sleep and then dreamed that we were having bingo night at work and for some reason, my ex and his new girlfriend was there. Not that I mind, at all because I was done with him when I moved out, 10 years ago, but it was just a weird place for them to be.
Then someone brought two big dogs (a mastiff and a rottweiler, I think it was) and one of our citizens freaked out because they came into his apartment (I don't know how, because the door was closed, but they did.) and I had to go tell them to get out of there.
Good thing I'm not afraid of dogs, like Kirsten.
And for some reason, I kept changing my shoes, from my flip-flops to my cowboy boots and my emus and I kept losing my socks, which I had to wear for my cowboy boots - very strange indeed.
Once we were all going to leave, I wanted to borrow Lars and Gitte's (ex and girlfriend) DVD with Alice In Wonderland (the new one w/Johnny Depp, yes. I have no desire to watch that movie, though so I don't know.), but they wouldn't let me.
Once we were outside, there were three people on a bike...a bike made for three people, that is and it was all just very weird, but I suppose we all drove away before my alarm woke me up.
onsdag, februar 24, 2010
Bitching
So I’m very annoyed these days. My mom is annoying the crap out of me with all her illness and shit, man.
Yeah, she was told that she needs a new hip. I get that, that’s fair enough and I know she’s in pain and has been for a long time, now. But suddenly, after she was told that she needs a new hip….the pain is soooooo much worse and almost unbearable? I know it hurts, but come on. It can’t magically become worse after five minutes of talking to your doctor.
I don’t know. I work as a social health care worker and to be honest, I get enough illness when I’m at work and I’m just sick of hearing about people and whatever illnesses they have. I don’t need it when I get home and I don’t need people to ramble on and on.
Yeah, I talk about it, too, if I have some sort of disorder or sickness. Whatever…but my mom pretty much makes it into a contest or so it feels and it drives me up the walls.
I can’t wait to get my own place and then I don’t have to feel like I’m at work all the time. Enough with the sick people, already! Find something else to focus on, man!
And yes, this also means that I have a couple of people on Twitter that are driving me mad. Not because of their rambling about illnesses or anything like that, but because of their endless hyper moods, man and their excessive tweeting about Mike Shinoda and how awesome he is.
Yes, thank you. We are fans too and we know how awesome the man is. Doesn’t mean that we have the need to randomly tweet his name all the time.
It -is- possible to be a fan without going on and on about whomever you’re a fan of, you know.
Okay, one of these people, I actually have no trouble un-following because we don’t really talk or whatever…and I don’t really care about her, to be honest and I know that she doesn‘t care about me, even if she‘ll deny it in the name of being nice and oh-so-fucking-positive.
But the other one…even if we’re not close friends…I do consider her a friend…or acquaintance, at least and she’s actually a sweet girl who never did anything to me….except from being insanely hyper and overly obsessed with Mike Shinoda.
Knowing me, I’ll probably end up getting so annoyed that I’ll un-follow both of them and I know that’s okay. I have no problem with people un-following me or anything, but it just kind of sucks when you’ve enjoyed following someone for a while and then that just stops.
And I lost someone, I thought was a friend, today. Brian. I don’t know why I thought he was a friend, though. He’s always been sarcastic and semi-nasty to me ever since I got on SOY. I guess, he and Kerrie are more perfect for each other than I originally thought, huh?
Anyway, we were having an amusing discussion about movies today and trust me…we do not like the same movies -at all-, but it was all fun and games.
He was making some comment about me liking Transformers so I shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on movies in the first place and it was all fun and games. I commented on Donnie Darko, which I hate and this Bobby person made some comment about holding his tongue so he wouldn’t comment on that and everything just escalated from there, ending up with Brian saying that I deleted him from my Facebook (which I did, yes) and if the others had anyone seen anyone be that sensitive about Transformers.
Yes, I know that was just Brian being Brian again, but seriously…it just fucking hurt. And like I said to Brian on Twitter a few minutes ago; it may not have meant anything to me tomorrow, but today it hurt.
I’ve always liked Brian a lot. Maybe more than I should have, even, but his inability to be serious…or maybe my inability to tell when he’s serious and when he’s not, has always been difficult for me. And I’ve always despised him when he was busy ‘being cute’ or whatthefuckever they wanted to call it, with Kerrie.
Today, I just had enough. Yeah, he and Bobby may not have meant it in a bad way or tried to hurt my feelings, but the fact that they continued to mock me after I removed myself from the discussion only makes me think that he’s lying through his teeth when he says they weren’t being malicious.
Maybe his interpretation of ‘malicious’ and mine just aren’t the same, huh?
Yeah, she was told that she needs a new hip. I get that, that’s fair enough and I know she’s in pain and has been for a long time, now. But suddenly, after she was told that she needs a new hip….the pain is soooooo much worse and almost unbearable? I know it hurts, but come on. It can’t magically become worse after five minutes of talking to your doctor.
I don’t know. I work as a social health care worker and to be honest, I get enough illness when I’m at work and I’m just sick of hearing about people and whatever illnesses they have. I don’t need it when I get home and I don’t need people to ramble on and on.
Yeah, I talk about it, too, if I have some sort of disorder or sickness. Whatever…but my mom pretty much makes it into a contest or so it feels and it drives me up the walls.
I can’t wait to get my own place and then I don’t have to feel like I’m at work all the time. Enough with the sick people, already! Find something else to focus on, man!
And yes, this also means that I have a couple of people on Twitter that are driving me mad. Not because of their rambling about illnesses or anything like that, but because of their endless hyper moods, man and their excessive tweeting about Mike Shinoda and how awesome he is.
Yes, thank you. We are fans too and we know how awesome the man is. Doesn’t mean that we have the need to randomly tweet his name all the time.
It -is- possible to be a fan without going on and on about whomever you’re a fan of, you know.
Okay, one of these people, I actually have no trouble un-following because we don’t really talk or whatever…and I don’t really care about her, to be honest and I know that she doesn‘t care about me, even if she‘ll deny it in the name of being nice and oh-so-fucking-positive.
But the other one…even if we’re not close friends…I do consider her a friend…or acquaintance, at least and she’s actually a sweet girl who never did anything to me….except from being insanely hyper and overly obsessed with Mike Shinoda.
Knowing me, I’ll probably end up getting so annoyed that I’ll un-follow both of them and I know that’s okay. I have no problem with people un-following me or anything, but it just kind of sucks when you’ve enjoyed following someone for a while and then that just stops.
And I lost someone, I thought was a friend, today. Brian. I don’t know why I thought he was a friend, though. He’s always been sarcastic and semi-nasty to me ever since I got on SOY. I guess, he and Kerrie are more perfect for each other than I originally thought, huh?
Anyway, we were having an amusing discussion about movies today and trust me…we do not like the same movies -at all-, but it was all fun and games.
He was making some comment about me liking Transformers so I shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on movies in the first place and it was all fun and games. I commented on Donnie Darko, which I hate and this Bobby person made some comment about holding his tongue so he wouldn’t comment on that and everything just escalated from there, ending up with Brian saying that I deleted him from my Facebook (which I did, yes) and if the others had anyone seen anyone be that sensitive about Transformers.
Yes, I know that was just Brian being Brian again, but seriously…it just fucking hurt. And like I said to Brian on Twitter a few minutes ago; it may not have meant anything to me tomorrow, but today it hurt.
I’ve always liked Brian a lot. Maybe more than I should have, even, but his inability to be serious…or maybe my inability to tell when he’s serious and when he’s not, has always been difficult for me. And I’ve always despised him when he was busy ‘being cute’ or whatthefuckever they wanted to call it, with Kerrie.
Today, I just had enough. Yeah, he and Bobby may not have meant it in a bad way or tried to hurt my feelings, but the fact that they continued to mock me after I removed myself from the discussion only makes me think that he’s lying through his teeth when he says they weren’t being malicious.
Maybe his interpretation of ‘malicious’ and mine just aren’t the same, huh?
lørdag, februar 13, 2010
Work
My work schedule is a little fucked up, here and there, so I'm being all boring and posting how I'll be working:
Wednesday 17/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Thursday 18/2: 2pm - 10pm (bus)
Friday 19/2: My birthday. Day off.
Saturday 20/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Wednesday 24/2: Day off
Thursday 25/2: Day off, going to see Chris MacDonald at 7pm and going eating first. (car)
Friday 26/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Saturday 27/2: Day off for working on the 20th.
Sunday 28/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Monday 8/3: Course from 8.30am-3pm (ugh, up early!) (bus!)
Tuesday 9/3: Course from 8.30am-3pm (bus!)
Wednesday 10/3: Day off b/c of course
Thursday 11/3: Day off b/c of course (and my late dad's birthday, rip.)
So yeah, that's the craziness, so far. Any date that I haven't put there, I expect to be a normal day, whether I have it off or have work.
Wednesday 17/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Thursday 18/2: 2pm - 10pm (bus)
Friday 19/2: My birthday. Day off.
Saturday 20/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Wednesday 24/2: Day off
Thursday 25/2: Day off, going to see Chris MacDonald at 7pm and going eating first. (car)
Friday 26/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Saturday 27/2: Day off for working on the 20th.
Sunday 28/2: 2.45pm - 10.45pm (car)
Monday 8/3: Course from 8.30am-3pm (ugh, up early!) (bus!)
Tuesday 9/3: Course from 8.30am-3pm (bus!)
Wednesday 10/3: Day off b/c of course
Thursday 11/3: Day off b/c of course (and my late dad's birthday, rip.)
So yeah, that's the craziness, so far. Any date that I haven't put there, I expect to be a normal day, whether I have it off or have work.
lørdag, februar 06, 2010
Pictures.
And that's me in the snow on February 2nd, 2010.
Our road with the crazy amount of snow, we got on February 2nd, 2010.
And this is the teddybear, Nat named for me. It's Buster and he's a german shepherd. And he's lying under my shrunken curtains, lol!
And this is my acrylic nails on my left hand.
And my right hand. I'm so in love with them that I'll order stuff home so I can do them myself from now on.
Dating, part two.
Okay, so I had to cave and cancel the date. The whole thing about him having been to jail was just taking up too much space in my head.
Actually, it wasn't really the fact that he'd been to jail, because if he'd been there for a DUI or something, I wouldn't have cared, but he was there for violence...severe violence, actually and that bothered me.
I know, it's unfair because it could just, as he told me, be a mistake and something he'd never do ever again, to anyone...but honestly, I can't know that for sure and what if the temper that made him do that...made him do something similar to me, one day?
Seriously, my instincts were screaming at me to cancel and I finally wrote him a long text, explaining and apologizing (because I know it's not fair that he never got a chance), but essentially cancelling and telling him that I couldn't be his girlfriend.
I was seriously nervous, because I didn't know how he would react..and frankly I'm not completely calm, just yet, but he just wrote me a text that said 'Okay'.
My instinct tells me that I won't hear another word about it or see him again, other than if I run into him when I go shopping, but I'm not entirely sure, just yet.
Yeah, I'm completely paranoid, but I don't think that necessarily is a bad thing, when meeting people you've met online.
*pause* And despite this paranoia, I'm still willing to go to the states to visit a girl that I've never met before. Okay, we've talked for more than 2 years, but still. Ironic, huh?
Actually, it wasn't really the fact that he'd been to jail, because if he'd been there for a DUI or something, I wouldn't have cared, but he was there for violence...severe violence, actually and that bothered me.
I know, it's unfair because it could just, as he told me, be a mistake and something he'd never do ever again, to anyone...but honestly, I can't know that for sure and what if the temper that made him do that...made him do something similar to me, one day?
Seriously, my instincts were screaming at me to cancel and I finally wrote him a long text, explaining and apologizing (because I know it's not fair that he never got a chance), but essentially cancelling and telling him that I couldn't be his girlfriend.
I was seriously nervous, because I didn't know how he would react..and frankly I'm not completely calm, just yet, but he just wrote me a text that said 'Okay'.
My instinct tells me that I won't hear another word about it or see him again, other than if I run into him when I go shopping, but I'm not entirely sure, just yet.
Yeah, I'm completely paranoid, but I don't think that necessarily is a bad thing, when meeting people you've met online.
*pause* And despite this paranoia, I'm still willing to go to the states to visit a girl that I've never met before. Okay, we've talked for more than 2 years, but still. Ironic, huh?
mandag, februar 01, 2010
Dating
It's not really something I'm good at. I haven't done it in years and I tend to be too paranoid about guys, anyway, so I normally never get to go on a date with them.
But Peter...I met Peter today. We walked his dog, Chili and had a nice talk about this and that. For once there wasn't any awkward silence, which was nice.
He was/is pretty much throwing compliments around, like 'you look sweet' or something like it and it makes me a little uncomfortable, if I'm completely honest.
Now, he started off telling me his 'big bad secret' which is that he's done 6 months in jail for beating some guy up...in a serious way.
Kudos to him for telling me straight away, but I can't exactly say that I'm pleased. I told him, he was an idiot for doing something stupid like that and he agreed and told me that he'd never do time, again.
I have to admit that it's making me uncomfortable that he's done something like that (it was pretty bad, actually), but on the other hand, I spent half an hour with the guy and it's really not enough time to judge him.
I'm gonna be honest with him and tell him that it makes me uncomfortable, simply because we've been honest from the get-go...or at least I have and I hope that he has, as well.
Now, we have a dinner date on saturday night, but if he thinks he's getting lucky, he's got another thing coming. We're gonna have dinner and then he'll take me home again.
Now, I know that this is awkward for someone special in my life and that it probably hurts and I really, really hate that.
I know, we talked about this whole thing the other night, but that doesn't exactly make it any easier.
See, I really do love this person and the last thing I want is to hurt them. But on the other hand, I have to recognize the fact that we're on opposite sides of the world and that I'm 11 years older.
I'm getting sick of being such a couch potato and being alone, so I'm trying to do something about it.
This person (and my other friends, too), however, is so important to me that I will make them a priority, even if I should end up with a boyfriend (and yeah, that makes it sound like 'a boyfriend' is an STD, lol, but that's not what I mean).
I want to have space and time to be online, here and there to talk to this person and I most certainly expect texts, just like I'll keep sending text.
In short: there's no way I'm gonna lose contact with this person, no matter what happens.
I love you too much for that, baby and you know (or should know) that you'll always mean the world to me. I have the tattoo to prove it, lol.
Anyway, more on the dating thing later.
But Peter...I met Peter today. We walked his dog, Chili and had a nice talk about this and that. For once there wasn't any awkward silence, which was nice.
He was/is pretty much throwing compliments around, like 'you look sweet' or something like it and it makes me a little uncomfortable, if I'm completely honest.
Now, he started off telling me his 'big bad secret' which is that he's done 6 months in jail for beating some guy up...in a serious way.
Kudos to him for telling me straight away, but I can't exactly say that I'm pleased. I told him, he was an idiot for doing something stupid like that and he agreed and told me that he'd never do time, again.
I have to admit that it's making me uncomfortable that he's done something like that (it was pretty bad, actually), but on the other hand, I spent half an hour with the guy and it's really not enough time to judge him.
I'm gonna be honest with him and tell him that it makes me uncomfortable, simply because we've been honest from the get-go...or at least I have and I hope that he has, as well.
Now, we have a dinner date on saturday night, but if he thinks he's getting lucky, he's got another thing coming. We're gonna have dinner and then he'll take me home again.
Now, I know that this is awkward for someone special in my life and that it probably hurts and I really, really hate that.
I know, we talked about this whole thing the other night, but that doesn't exactly make it any easier.
See, I really do love this person and the last thing I want is to hurt them. But on the other hand, I have to recognize the fact that we're on opposite sides of the world and that I'm 11 years older.
I'm getting sick of being such a couch potato and being alone, so I'm trying to do something about it.
This person (and my other friends, too), however, is so important to me that I will make them a priority, even if I should end up with a boyfriend (and yeah, that makes it sound like 'a boyfriend' is an STD, lol, but that's not what I mean).
I want to have space and time to be online, here and there to talk to this person and I most certainly expect texts, just like I'll keep sending text.
In short: there's no way I'm gonna lose contact with this person, no matter what happens.
I love you too much for that, baby and you know (or should know) that you'll always mean the world to me. I have the tattoo to prove it, lol.
Anyway, more on the dating thing later.
tirsdag, januar 26, 2010
Ramblings
I'm so sick of hearing about Haiti!
Yes, I know it's not very PC to say that, but really...yes, we get that it's a horrible, horrible disaster and that they need money and help and all that. We get it!
I mean, even here...you cannot turn on the radio to listen to 'entertainment', without Haiti being mentioned at least once. Just give it a rest, already!
I'm not saying that everyone should just shut up about it, entirely because really, they do need our help which is why I posted the whole Download to Donate thing, on here, as well...but maybe we don't have to mention it -all the fucking time-, like...constantly?!
I've been close to abandoning Twitter, entirely, man because all people do is ReTweet about Haiti in one way or another. It's like, people suddenly don't have anything to say anymore.
Either they link to DtD or some other 'give us money to send to Haiti'-thing or they ReTweet whenever someone famous or semi-famous mentions Haiti and I'm just sick of it.
I mean like...I follow LPU and MFR and I see their tweets about Haiti and whatnot...I don't need most of my in-the-area-of-60 friends on there to retweet and retweet, so I get the same message 393848392290 times, man! I may be dense, but not -that- dense.
And yes, I now that they have other followers than me and they might not follow MFR and LPU and-we-need-to-get-the-word-out!!!, but chances are that...if people follow them, they're probably following many of the same things that they are.
I know...I should just ignore it and leave it alone...and I do...but I just needed to vent about it, because it's so piss-annoying, it makes me wanna pull my hair out, man.
Other than that...I'm going on some course, today. I hope it won't be so I-wanna-kill-myself-boring as I'm dreading it to be.
Tomorrow, I'll get up at crap o'clock (read: 7am), to go get my blood drawn so I can finally figure out if I have some sort of allergy or not.
Either way, I'm going to buy a allergy nosespray, after I'm done at the doctors and see if it helps, because I'm sick and tired of feeling like I might be coming down with a cold, any day now.
I don't know if Illona will come to work, this weekend because they have some supervision thing tomorrow and I don't know how she'll feel after that.
I do hope that she'll show up, though, because I don't want to be dealing with a temp all weekend.
Yes, I know it's not very PC to say that, but really...yes, we get that it's a horrible, horrible disaster and that they need money and help and all that. We get it!
I mean, even here...you cannot turn on the radio to listen to 'entertainment', without Haiti being mentioned at least once. Just give it a rest, already!
I'm not saying that everyone should just shut up about it, entirely because really, they do need our help which is why I posted the whole Download to Donate thing, on here, as well...but maybe we don't have to mention it -all the fucking time-, like...constantly?!
I've been close to abandoning Twitter, entirely, man because all people do is ReTweet about Haiti in one way or another. It's like, people suddenly don't have anything to say anymore.
Either they link to DtD or some other 'give us money to send to Haiti'-thing or they ReTweet whenever someone famous or semi-famous mentions Haiti and I'm just sick of it.
I mean like...I follow LPU and MFR and I see their tweets about Haiti and whatnot...I don't need most of my in-the-area-of-60 friends on there to retweet and retweet, so I get the same message 393848392290 times, man! I may be dense, but not -that- dense.
And yes, I now that they have other followers than me and they might not follow MFR and LPU and-we-need-to-get-the-word-out!!!, but chances are that...if people follow them, they're probably following many of the same things that they are.
I know...I should just ignore it and leave it alone...and I do...but I just needed to vent about it, because it's so piss-annoying, it makes me wanna pull my hair out, man.
Other than that...I'm going on some course, today. I hope it won't be so I-wanna-kill-myself-boring as I'm dreading it to be.
Tomorrow, I'll get up at crap o'clock (read: 7am), to go get my blood drawn so I can finally figure out if I have some sort of allergy or not.
Either way, I'm going to buy a allergy nosespray, after I'm done at the doctors and see if it helps, because I'm sick and tired of feeling like I might be coming down with a cold, any day now.
I don't know if Illona will come to work, this weekend because they have some supervision thing tomorrow and I don't know how she'll feel after that.
I do hope that she'll show up, though, because I don't want to be dealing with a temp all weekend.
mandag, januar 18, 2010
Drama!
Friday, when Illona and I were in the café, randomly chatting to Ingerlise, she asked Illona if she could talk to her in private.
Both Illona and I thought that it was, once again, about my attitude or something like that.
Illona was taken to an office where Lise, Ellen and Marianna was sitting and waiting for her.
Ingerlise took the lead and told Illona that they had had it with her and her negativity and the fact that she caused a bad atmosphere at work. They told her that she interfered with their jobs and got into stuff that's none of her business and that she reads up on their citizens.
Illona, of course, was completely shocked and asked about specific situations, but Ingerlise just said that it 'was the general attitude that became too much and that they really couldn't keep repeating specific situations'.
At some point, Lene called me and asked me to bring Lisbeth to this office because she wanted to talk to us.
When we got there, Illona was crying like crazy, to the point of not being able to breathe and after Lisbeth and I were told what had happened, we were furious, shocked and completely surprised that adults can behave like that towards other adults.
We thought stuff like that only happened in the 6th grade, but apparently not.
Our boss was called and came to talk to Illona and this situations -will- have consequences because our top boss will be informed, today.
Now, we don't know what will happen, exactly so we'll have to wait and see about that.
It's been quite an eventful weekend, because of this and I'm having problems figuring out how to continue, because there are just so many details going round in my head, it's tough to find a system.
After this whole thing with Illona, Lisbeth and I were to run our two departments alone, because Lene and Illona was talking to our boss and while I was helping Lisbeth put a citizen to bed...I slipped in some water on the bathroom floor and fell hard onto my knees.
The pain. My god, it hurt so badly all I could do was sit there on my fucked up knees...and cry my eyes out.
I asked Lisbeth, through my heavy crying, if we couldn't just erase that day and pretend that it never happened.
I mean, first Illona gets ambushed by four colleagues, and then I fall on my ass (or knees, rather) and hurt myself.
The weekend was not starting off well.
Surprisingly, Illona showed up on saturday, but started the shift with crying and was crying randomly throughout the night.
I'm sore and bruised, but thankfully nothing serious happened to me, what with broken bones or anything like that.
We made it through the weekend, but I wonder what will happen today, when our bosses get a chance to talk about what happened to Illona and what she'll be told at the meeting, she'll hopefully have with the bosses, later today.
She promised me that she'll call me, once she's found out something or has heard something, so I'm waiting for that.
I'm gonna go have breakfast now. I just needed to sort this thing out a bit. I might blog about it, some more, later but we'll see if that's needed.
Both Illona and I thought that it was, once again, about my attitude or something like that.
Illona was taken to an office where Lise, Ellen and Marianna was sitting and waiting for her.
Ingerlise took the lead and told Illona that they had had it with her and her negativity and the fact that she caused a bad atmosphere at work. They told her that she interfered with their jobs and got into stuff that's none of her business and that she reads up on their citizens.
Illona, of course, was completely shocked and asked about specific situations, but Ingerlise just said that it 'was the general attitude that became too much and that they really couldn't keep repeating specific situations'.
At some point, Lene called me and asked me to bring Lisbeth to this office because she wanted to talk to us.
When we got there, Illona was crying like crazy, to the point of not being able to breathe and after Lisbeth and I were told what had happened, we were furious, shocked and completely surprised that adults can behave like that towards other adults.
We thought stuff like that only happened in the 6th grade, but apparently not.
Our boss was called and came to talk to Illona and this situations -will- have consequences because our top boss will be informed, today.
Now, we don't know what will happen, exactly so we'll have to wait and see about that.
It's been quite an eventful weekend, because of this and I'm having problems figuring out how to continue, because there are just so many details going round in my head, it's tough to find a system.
After this whole thing with Illona, Lisbeth and I were to run our two departments alone, because Lene and Illona was talking to our boss and while I was helping Lisbeth put a citizen to bed...I slipped in some water on the bathroom floor and fell hard onto my knees.
The pain. My god, it hurt so badly all I could do was sit there on my fucked up knees...and cry my eyes out.
I asked Lisbeth, through my heavy crying, if we couldn't just erase that day and pretend that it never happened.
I mean, first Illona gets ambushed by four colleagues, and then I fall on my ass (or knees, rather) and hurt myself.
The weekend was not starting off well.
Surprisingly, Illona showed up on saturday, but started the shift with crying and was crying randomly throughout the night.
I'm sore and bruised, but thankfully nothing serious happened to me, what with broken bones or anything like that.
We made it through the weekend, but I wonder what will happen today, when our bosses get a chance to talk about what happened to Illona and what she'll be told at the meeting, she'll hopefully have with the bosses, later today.
She promised me that she'll call me, once she's found out something or has heard something, so I'm waiting for that.
I'm gonna go have breakfast now. I just needed to sort this thing out a bit. I might blog about it, some more, later but we'll see if that's needed.
fredag, december 11, 2009
Good news.
We got the bill for the rat/sewer damage/repair and it's awesome. The total bill was at a good $12.000, but we only have to pay a good $500.
Now, I'm assuming that since it says 'For damage number xxxxxx, you have to pay, IN TOTAL', we won't get another bill, even if my mom was a little pessimistic at first.
I can't say how happy it made me, man. This means that I won't have to spend all of my money on that bill and that I might even get to buy myself a moped, so I won't have to take the bus all the time.
Yeah, those money were for my trip to the states and I don't plan on spending them all, but seeing as my trip has been postponed, anyway, I figured that I might as well spend some of it to make my day-to-day life a little bit easier.
I will keep saving up, as much as I can and seeing as I'm quitting smoking again around new years, there will be some money to save, there.
I haven't given up on going to see Nat. Far from it. And even though I was horribly sad that I had to cave in and say that I couldn't make it 'til May, next year, I have accepted the fact that I really don't want to go and having to watch what I spend my money on. I wanna be able to go and just do whatever I feel like, get my ink and whatnot and so I had to postpone it.
But I do still plan on going to Memphis and meet my best friend. I just don't know when I'll go.
Now, I'm assuming that since it says 'For damage number xxxxxx, you have to pay, IN TOTAL', we won't get another bill, even if my mom was a little pessimistic at first.
I can't say how happy it made me, man. This means that I won't have to spend all of my money on that bill and that I might even get to buy myself a moped, so I won't have to take the bus all the time.
Yeah, those money were for my trip to the states and I don't plan on spending them all, but seeing as my trip has been postponed, anyway, I figured that I might as well spend some of it to make my day-to-day life a little bit easier.
I will keep saving up, as much as I can and seeing as I'm quitting smoking again around new years, there will be some money to save, there.
I haven't given up on going to see Nat. Far from it. And even though I was horribly sad that I had to cave in and say that I couldn't make it 'til May, next year, I have accepted the fact that I really don't want to go and having to watch what I spend my money on. I wanna be able to go and just do whatever I feel like, get my ink and whatnot and so I had to postpone it.
But I do still plan on going to Memphis and meet my best friend. I just don't know when I'll go.
onsdag, oktober 28, 2009
Pouring shit out.
I'm feeling a lot, these days. Mostly negative stuff, if I'm honest.
I feel insanely jealous of the tiniest things, I feel inferior to my friends, I feel like I should leave LPV (not that I ever could!) because I'm not really doing any good on there, anyway and Nat's the one doing everything, coming up with new ideas and writing long-assed fanfics with people.
I feel infuriated towards people who hasn't done anything to me and don't deserve my anger and I feel annoyed that I can't write anything remotely interesting.
And then there's another part of me that's like 'Pfft! You're too fucking old for this bullshit! You shouldn't give a flying fuck about long-assed fanfictions or who's writing with who or who writes what in their replies to threads on the board. And you certainly shouldn't give a fuck about fanfiction! It's not like you're that into the band, these days, anyway. You're acting like a fucking teenager and it's ridiculous!'.
And I know, it's true. I'm 33 fucking years old and should have better things to do with my time than worry about fanfiction or which teenager is annoying the crap out of me, today.
Don't get me wrong; I love my RPGs so much and I would never turn my back on them or the people I'm writing with.
But sometimes, it just seems ridiculous, you know?
According to 'standard', I should be out looking for a man to marry (*gag*) or a boyfriend, at least. The problem is...yeah, I miss having a boyfriend, sometimes....someone to cuddle up with on the couch, someone to go to the fucking zoo with or some other ridiculously romantic bullshit, like it...but on the other hand, I really can't be bothered, you know?
Getting to know someone...that takes a war...and figuring out if you're in love or not..and knowing me, I'd probably scare them off within a couple of weeks...and it just seems like too much of an effort.
I don't want to open up to someone new. I feel too much and I feel like I'm too fucking complicated, needy and annoying for anyone to actually -want- to get to know me.
I wish that someone would just walk in and blow my mind, you know? Tell me that they see through all the bullshit and tough talking and know that I'm a fucking mess...that I'm fucking scared and frustrated and that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. That everyone feels like that, sometimes. That everyone feels needy and clingy and fucking insecure about every little thing, sometimes and that it's okay.
I know the real world doesn't work like that, though and I know that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen.
On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone, just to feel normal or complete, you know?
And I want to get out of this fucking fantasy I have in my head, too! Some days, I'm okay and know...this is imaginary, most likely and we're just friends and I have no issues.
Other days...most days, actually...I feel extremely possessive and needy, wanting nothing more than to be told what I need to hear...that I'm loved and that I'm....well, the only one, for lack of a better term..and then when I don't get that...I go pissy and bitchy, even if I know that I can't expect people to fucking read my mind.
Sometimes, I try to pull back and be a little distant, simply to protect myself...but then something cute happens and I'm sucked right back into the whole mess.
And yeah, I know that the mess is in my head because I think and feel too fucking much, all the time..but sometimes, it's just so difficult to get rid of, you know?
Also, I think the whole mess with grandpa is eating me more than I let on. It's not like I go around feeling bad that he's gonna die, because I'm rather okay with the fact that none of us will survive life.
I think it's more the fact that it's so stressful, right now, you know? My mom's a mess and completely stressed out, driving to see him every day, because she wants to be there, when it happens, even if I tell her that they will call us if there's any change.
I know, it'll be messy once he's gone, setting up the funeral and all that and I know that my mom's gonna need my support and that I'll give it to her.
I don't even think I'll cry when he's gone, simply because he's in so much agony right now, I know it'll be a release for him to let go of life, not to mention the fact that I've never been close to him...not even as a kid and he spend so many years of his life, being this nasty and mean man that I really didn't want to be around.
I'm trying to keep it real, but I think it's actually stressing me out a lot more than I thought it would.
Anyway, today I have work and mom's letting me borrow the car, so I don't have to leave early and come home late, so I'm happy about that.
When I go home tomorrow night, I'll have 12 days off and I'll actually have some real life things to do, which I think will be good for me.
It'll probably mean that there will be days, where I won't get on MSN...which is not necessarily a bad thing...but I'll reply to my RPGs, as much as I can. I can't just ignore those, lol.
I feel insanely jealous of the tiniest things, I feel inferior to my friends, I feel like I should leave LPV (not that I ever could!) because I'm not really doing any good on there, anyway and Nat's the one doing everything, coming up with new ideas and writing long-assed fanfics with people.
I feel infuriated towards people who hasn't done anything to me and don't deserve my anger and I feel annoyed that I can't write anything remotely interesting.
And then there's another part of me that's like 'Pfft! You're too fucking old for this bullshit! You shouldn't give a flying fuck about long-assed fanfictions or who's writing with who or who writes what in their replies to threads on the board. And you certainly shouldn't give a fuck about fanfiction! It's not like you're that into the band, these days, anyway. You're acting like a fucking teenager and it's ridiculous!'.
And I know, it's true. I'm 33 fucking years old and should have better things to do with my time than worry about fanfiction or which teenager is annoying the crap out of me, today.
Don't get me wrong; I love my RPGs so much and I would never turn my back on them or the people I'm writing with.
But sometimes, it just seems ridiculous, you know?
According to 'standard', I should be out looking for a man to marry (*gag*) or a boyfriend, at least. The problem is...yeah, I miss having a boyfriend, sometimes....someone to cuddle up with on the couch, someone to go to the fucking zoo with or some other ridiculously romantic bullshit, like it...but on the other hand, I really can't be bothered, you know?
Getting to know someone...that takes a war...and figuring out if you're in love or not..and knowing me, I'd probably scare them off within a couple of weeks...and it just seems like too much of an effort.
I don't want to open up to someone new. I feel too much and I feel like I'm too fucking complicated, needy and annoying for anyone to actually -want- to get to know me.
I wish that someone would just walk in and blow my mind, you know? Tell me that they see through all the bullshit and tough talking and know that I'm a fucking mess...that I'm fucking scared and frustrated and that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. That everyone feels like that, sometimes. That everyone feels needy and clingy and fucking insecure about every little thing, sometimes and that it's okay.
I know the real world doesn't work like that, though and I know that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen.
On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone, just to feel normal or complete, you know?
And I want to get out of this fucking fantasy I have in my head, too! Some days, I'm okay and know...this is imaginary, most likely and we're just friends and I have no issues.
Other days...most days, actually...I feel extremely possessive and needy, wanting nothing more than to be told what I need to hear...that I'm loved and that I'm....well, the only one, for lack of a better term..and then when I don't get that...I go pissy and bitchy, even if I know that I can't expect people to fucking read my mind.
Sometimes, I try to pull back and be a little distant, simply to protect myself...but then something cute happens and I'm sucked right back into the whole mess.
And yeah, I know that the mess is in my head because I think and feel too fucking much, all the time..but sometimes, it's just so difficult to get rid of, you know?
Also, I think the whole mess with grandpa is eating me more than I let on. It's not like I go around feeling bad that he's gonna die, because I'm rather okay with the fact that none of us will survive life.
I think it's more the fact that it's so stressful, right now, you know? My mom's a mess and completely stressed out, driving to see him every day, because she wants to be there, when it happens, even if I tell her that they will call us if there's any change.
I know, it'll be messy once he's gone, setting up the funeral and all that and I know that my mom's gonna need my support and that I'll give it to her.
I don't even think I'll cry when he's gone, simply because he's in so much agony right now, I know it'll be a release for him to let go of life, not to mention the fact that I've never been close to him...not even as a kid and he spend so many years of his life, being this nasty and mean man that I really didn't want to be around.
I'm trying to keep it real, but I think it's actually stressing me out a lot more than I thought it would.
Anyway, today I have work and mom's letting me borrow the car, so I don't have to leave early and come home late, so I'm happy about that.
When I go home tomorrow night, I'll have 12 days off and I'll actually have some real life things to do, which I think will be good for me.
It'll probably mean that there will be days, where I won't get on MSN...which is not necessarily a bad thing...but I'll reply to my RPGs, as much as I can. I can't just ignore those, lol.
tirsdag, oktober 20, 2009
Ramble.
So I was feeling pretty weird last night. On one hand, I really didn't feel like being online and I was not very talkative, to say the least, but on the other; I was feeling needy and unloved.
I was such a mess that when Nat left to meet Isaac for the first time, I almost wanted to cry.
I'm so lame, man. I barely spoke to her, all night and then she leaves and I'm a mess; feeling abandoned and alone.
Again, I was having the whole this-is-how-I-think-and-feel-and-you-should-too attitude and it really does piss me off.
Again, I was unenthusiastic and a bitch, when she told me that Eli had her baby, it was a boy and he'd be named Isaac.
Why is it that I do that? Why is it that when I'm feeling weird/like crap, I can't even be happy or excited for other people? And especially Nat, who means so much to me.
No one's asking me to jump up and down, clapping my hands over Eli and Isaac because I don't know them, but a little more than 'cool' would really be awesome.
I know why I was feeling like that and it's something that I constantly try to get rid of. Sometimes, it works and sometimes, like last night, it doesn't.
I can't help the way I feel, but I swear that I try to minimize it or at least hide it, because it's really not cool, at all.
I try to tell myself that I shouldn't feel like that, because I really do not have any right to and it -has- gotten better...a lot better, actually. But sometimes, it just overwhelms me and I can't help myself.
So yeah..that was last night...now, it's a new day and even though I'm not feeling 100%, just yet...I got my period and I have a staff meeting that I really don't feel like going to...I'm gonna be in a better mood, today, simply because it's too fucking draining to feel like I did, last night.
So...on to charging my iPod and shower, because I have to get on the bus in two hours.
I was such a mess that when Nat left to meet Isaac for the first time, I almost wanted to cry.
I'm so lame, man. I barely spoke to her, all night and then she leaves and I'm a mess; feeling abandoned and alone.
Again, I was having the whole this-is-how-I-think-and-feel-and-you-should-too attitude and it really does piss me off.
Again, I was unenthusiastic and a bitch, when she told me that Eli had her baby, it was a boy and he'd be named Isaac.
Why is it that I do that? Why is it that when I'm feeling weird/like crap, I can't even be happy or excited for other people? And especially Nat, who means so much to me.
No one's asking me to jump up and down, clapping my hands over Eli and Isaac because I don't know them, but a little more than 'cool' would really be awesome.
I know why I was feeling like that and it's something that I constantly try to get rid of. Sometimes, it works and sometimes, like last night, it doesn't.
I can't help the way I feel, but I swear that I try to minimize it or at least hide it, because it's really not cool, at all.
I try to tell myself that I shouldn't feel like that, because I really do not have any right to and it -has- gotten better...a lot better, actually. But sometimes, it just overwhelms me and I can't help myself.
So yeah..that was last night...now, it's a new day and even though I'm not feeling 100%, just yet...I got my period and I have a staff meeting that I really don't feel like going to...I'm gonna be in a better mood, today, simply because it's too fucking draining to feel like I did, last night.
So...on to charging my iPod and shower, because I have to get on the bus in two hours.
lørdag, oktober 10, 2009
All over the place.
Yeah, so I haven't blogged in ages and ages and today, I can't seem to stop.
I'm sick of my job. Well, no not my job, per se, but more like...my boss is a fucking weak bitch, who has to go ballistic and give us ultimatums as if we were kids, just because we challenge her and don't just bow and do as we're told.
First, it was the whole splitting-Illona-and-I-up thing. She didn't give me any good arguments, she just went 'Well, because I want it to be like that!'.
Okay, bitch...do I look 4, to you?!
And then on the 28th at our meeting, she went 'Well, if you don't want to take bloodsugars, then you can't have the nightshift at Tolleruphøj!'.
*blink* Okay, then. Well, what would you do if all of your nightshifts came to you and said 'find us dayshifts because we can't do the bloodsugar'?!
I'm sorry. I can't even be bothered to go into details because it just pisses me off to the point of me actually wanting to slap her across the face.
Damn this fucking financial crises to the eternal boilers of fucking hell, man. If I could, I'd go quit immediately and go back to working as a temp, but no, I can't do that because the cities are not allowed to use temps because they're too fucking expensive and there are no shifts to get.
Ugh! I hate being so fucking frustrated and not being able to do anything about it.
Fuck this, maybe I should ask Marianne if they're lacking any nightshifts in Egedal. That way, I'd get out, too and not be stuck inside.
I don't know. I have to find some solution to this.
I'm sick of my job. Well, no not my job, per se, but more like...my boss is a fucking weak bitch, who has to go ballistic and give us ultimatums as if we were kids, just because we challenge her and don't just bow and do as we're told.
First, it was the whole splitting-Illona-and-I-up thing. She didn't give me any good arguments, she just went 'Well, because I want it to be like that!'.
Okay, bitch...do I look 4, to you?!
And then on the 28th at our meeting, she went 'Well, if you don't want to take bloodsugars, then you can't have the nightshift at Tolleruphøj!'.
*blink* Okay, then. Well, what would you do if all of your nightshifts came to you and said 'find us dayshifts because we can't do the bloodsugar'?!
I'm sorry. I can't even be bothered to go into details because it just pisses me off to the point of me actually wanting to slap her across the face.
Damn this fucking financial crises to the eternal boilers of fucking hell, man. If I could, I'd go quit immediately and go back to working as a temp, but no, I can't do that because the cities are not allowed to use temps because they're too fucking expensive and there are no shifts to get.
Ugh! I hate being so fucking frustrated and not being able to do anything about it.
Fuck this, maybe I should ask Marianne if they're lacking any nightshifts in Egedal. That way, I'd get out, too and not be stuck inside.
I don't know. I have to find some solution to this.
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