- Our house is not for sale anymore. The bank wouldn't accept the new price. I don't blame them because we would lose A LOT of money and I prefer to get out of it with a big, fat ZERO on the bottom line or maybe even with money.
- My mom was pretty crushed that the bank said no, so now she's getting a kitten, instead, lol.
- I'm currently living in the apartment of a co-worker and will be until the 19th. It's awesome to be alone again, but also a bit difficult because I have to fight my own head again. I love being on my own, but I have to fight my own thoughts a lot and I'm not always successful.
- I did a thing I never thought I'd do; I asked my girlfriend to stop following and block the person I mentioned in my previous post. It's a bit naive, I know...because in all reality (no blame, just realism), they could be talking on AIM, MSN and Yahoo, not to mention pretty much everywhere else and I would never know. But I'm trying not to focus on that and just be grateful that my girlfriend actually did this for me, because it's a very big deal for me and means the world. Maybe it's just me, but it's also left a bit of awkwardness between us. I think I'm more needy than normal and maybe she's getting a bit sick of that because she doesn't seem to be. So I'm trying to back off a little and not be a drama queen when I don't get BB messages in the morning and whatnot. I don't know, like I said; I need to fight my own head a little bit because my brain can seriously come up with a lot of bullshit and I can't allow it to take over. The fact that I asked her to unfollow and block was more than enough and the rest...well, I just have to fucking deal with it and stop being so dramatic. If I don't, it'll drive us apart and I don't want to lose my best friend.
- Linkin Park is releasing their new album 'A Thousand Suns' on September 14th and for a while, I was very 'meh' about it. Didn't really give a damn, to be honest and it was depressing the fuck out of me, no bullshit. This is my favorite band, we're talking about!! I should be jumping around like a mad person that they're finally releasing another album! And yet, I was like 'Oh, September 14th? Okay.' and that was it. It was doing my head in and even more so because my best friend was really excited and couldn't really say anything to make me feel better. It got to a point where I almost got angry at her for being excited. Yes, I'm weird. Then we talked a bit back and forth and I listened to the song from their game (which I still find to be a lame idea, by the way), 'Blackbirds' and it's just...maybe it was because of my mood, but I'm not sure...a very depressing song.
Chester's voice was amazing and it became clear to me that I don't listen to them enough, when I can forget how amazing Mr. Bennington's voice really is.
Then we listened to New Divide and it put a smile on my face instantly. I'd forgotten how much I loved that song. So I promised myself that I would listen to a lot more LP over my days off and generally in my life and as I listen to Points Of Authority from Live in Texas, right now, I'm finding my love for the boys again and I'm sure that I'll be super excited by the time the album is out.
I'm not going to go to their show unless they add a date in Copenhagen, though. I've been to two shows and they're awesome, I should be willing to ride my bike to Jutland to attend, but honestly...I promised I'd take Kirsten, but I can't really wrap my brain around going to Jutland with her. She's too distracted and does everything at the last moment and that pisses me off and I don't want to be pissed off at a LP show.
I can live without going to their show, if I'm honest.
- Things at work are sucky. For the first time, I'm actually enjoying to be working with temps and there's only one reason for that; when I work with temps, I'm sure that I'll get to stay on my own floor.
I talked to my boss about this and told her that I can feel that I'll go down with stress, if we don't do something about it. I spent two days with stomach ache and barely sleeping, before I had to go to work and realized that I had to do something about it or I'll break.
That caused her to mention that maybe we should all be introduced to the other two 'departments', so we had a better knowledge of how things are there, which I think would be awesome.
Not because I'm jumping in excitement about having to work other departments than my own, but if I -have to-, then I want to know what the fuck I'm doing and not just go by instinct.
Of course, some of my co-workers thinks it's a horrible idea because they really don't want to work anything but their own department and the only comment I had to their 'I don't want to do that!!', was 'well, then come up with a different suggestion.' and that shut them up.
We'll talk about this in the fall and see if we can figure out a solution. In the meantime, I'm seriously considering finding a different job, to be honest. Only time will tell what will happen.
Viser opslag med etiketten Jealousy. Vis alle opslag
Viser opslag med etiketten Jealousy. Vis alle opslag
fredag, juli 09, 2010
søndag, juni 20, 2010
Jealousy is a bitch.
Wow, it's been a long time, since I wrote in this thing. Mainly because I never think that I experience anything worth blogging about and that my life is so extremely boring that no one wants to read about it.
But this past weekend has been really rough on me and I'm still trying to deal, even though it's not really working very well.
The main thing was the jealousy I experienced, when my girlfriend (yes, that's what she is to me, even though she's very far away) started following and was followed by someone who's clearly had a crush on her before, on Twitter.
This person got a girlfriend somewhere and at some point and this girlfriend told her to not talk to my girlfriend and I have to admit that it suited me just fine because she bothered me a lot.
So I found out that they were following each other again and I flipped out, man. I had a serious breakdown in my shower and actually considered cutting myself off from the internet and everything because I just couldn't deal with the jealous feelings.
God, it hurt so bad. All the paranoia that jealousy is can really tear a person apart, man. What hurt the most was that my girlfriend hadn't told me, even though she knows that it's a big deal. And I can understand why she didn't, I guess, because she would've had to deal with my jealousy and in securities anyway.
I can't describe how horrible I felt and when we talked about it, I had to fight really hard not to say 'But it's only words and I don't believe you', when she told me how much she loves me and that this other person doesn't mean anything to her.
I won't even say the horrible thoughts I had, before we talked, because everything is caused by that jealousy and it's just horrible.
I was honest, however and said that part of me didn't believe her and that I will never be okay about them being in contact.
I know...I shouldn't be this involved with anyone and especially not anyone online, but what the hell can I do? I've fallen in love...with a girl...which is a first, by the way. Yeah, she annoys the crap out of me, sometimes, but I'm sure that she wants to strangle me, as well, sometimes....like when I pull my jealousy crap or get offended by random comments that are meant as jokes.
But that doesn't change the fact that I love her.
Then when something like this happens, I get angry at myself for getting so involved and think that I should just get a boyfriend....one that actually lives in my country...and so her and I can go back to being friends (that's what we are first and foremost), but then I think of what that would do to us.
Yeah, we claim to be 'realistic' about what we have and I think that we are, but that doesn't change the fact that I know that if she came and told me that she'd gotten a boyfriend, it would destroy me.
I can't speak for her, but I'm guessing she would be pretty hurt, if I got someone as well...even though, I have a feeling she'd never admit it ;)
The most ridiculous thing is...I know in the rational part of my brain that she can have contact with whomever and I would never know about it and she could actually have a boyfriend without my knowledge, as well...but I guess I just don't want to think about it.
The fact is...I know they're in some sort of contact or at least following each other and I'm done denying that it bothers me because it does..a lot. But then there's the part of me who doesn't want to be that girlfriend who's constantly trying to control who she talks to and all that bullshit, because in the end I can't control a goddamn thing.
So I'm trying to deal with the fact that yes, they're following each other and that's that. But man, it's hard. It's so, so, so, so hard and the jealous part of me just want to tell her to block her...so yeah, I'm struggling but so far...the rational side is winning.
And yes, that makes me sound very insane, but whatever.
We've also switched realtor and the price he's calculated our house to is very low. We don't really care, though and we hope that the bank will accept it.
If not, we have to keep living here until the crisis is looking up a little bit.
Only time will tell what will happen.
That's probably what's taking up most space in my mind.
But this past weekend has been really rough on me and I'm still trying to deal, even though it's not really working very well.
The main thing was the jealousy I experienced, when my girlfriend (yes, that's what she is to me, even though she's very far away) started following and was followed by someone who's clearly had a crush on her before, on Twitter.
This person got a girlfriend somewhere and at some point and this girlfriend told her to not talk to my girlfriend and I have to admit that it suited me just fine because she bothered me a lot.
So I found out that they were following each other again and I flipped out, man. I had a serious breakdown in my shower and actually considered cutting myself off from the internet and everything because I just couldn't deal with the jealous feelings.
God, it hurt so bad. All the paranoia that jealousy is can really tear a person apart, man. What hurt the most was that my girlfriend hadn't told me, even though she knows that it's a big deal. And I can understand why she didn't, I guess, because she would've had to deal with my jealousy and in securities anyway.
I can't describe how horrible I felt and when we talked about it, I had to fight really hard not to say 'But it's only words and I don't believe you', when she told me how much she loves me and that this other person doesn't mean anything to her.
I won't even say the horrible thoughts I had, before we talked, because everything is caused by that jealousy and it's just horrible.
I was honest, however and said that part of me didn't believe her and that I will never be okay about them being in contact.
I know...I shouldn't be this involved with anyone and especially not anyone online, but what the hell can I do? I've fallen in love...with a girl...which is a first, by the way. Yeah, she annoys the crap out of me, sometimes, but I'm sure that she wants to strangle me, as well, sometimes....like when I pull my jealousy crap or get offended by random comments that are meant as jokes.
But that doesn't change the fact that I love her.
Then when something like this happens, I get angry at myself for getting so involved and think that I should just get a boyfriend....one that actually lives in my country...and so her and I can go back to being friends (that's what we are first and foremost), but then I think of what that would do to us.
Yeah, we claim to be 'realistic' about what we have and I think that we are, but that doesn't change the fact that I know that if she came and told me that she'd gotten a boyfriend, it would destroy me.
I can't speak for her, but I'm guessing she would be pretty hurt, if I got someone as well...even though, I have a feeling she'd never admit it ;)
The most ridiculous thing is...I know in the rational part of my brain that she can have contact with whomever and I would never know about it and she could actually have a boyfriend without my knowledge, as well...but I guess I just don't want to think about it.
The fact is...I know they're in some sort of contact or at least following each other and I'm done denying that it bothers me because it does..a lot. But then there's the part of me who doesn't want to be that girlfriend who's constantly trying to control who she talks to and all that bullshit, because in the end I can't control a goddamn thing.
So I'm trying to deal with the fact that yes, they're following each other and that's that. But man, it's hard. It's so, so, so, so hard and the jealous part of me just want to tell her to block her...so yeah, I'm struggling but so far...the rational side is winning.
And yes, that makes me sound very insane, but whatever.
We've also switched realtor and the price he's calculated our house to is very low. We don't really care, though and we hope that the bank will accept it.
If not, we have to keep living here until the crisis is looking up a little bit.
Only time will tell what will happen.
That's probably what's taking up most space in my mind.
onsdag, november 11, 2009
Life update.
Wow, a lot has been happening and going on the last few weeks or so.
Last thursday (29th of october), my mom calls me right after I've gotten up and tells me to get to my grandpa because they all think he's gonna die real soon.
So I get dressed, call work and take the bus to meet her on the station in Frederikssund 45 minutes later and we go to Farum to see grandpa.
And man, he looks bad. His breathing is shallow and he can barely talk, but just grunt a little.
I sit there, holding his hand while the rest of the family pours in through the door and I decide that I'm gonna spend the night, which means that I sleep 3 hours because the bed I'm sleeping in, is so horrible.
On friday morning (at 6.30, after having slept since around 2 and having been up several times during those hours), grandpa looks up at me and says 'guess, it wasn't gonna happen tonight, then, huh?'.
Anyway, we go back home and figure that the nursing home will call us when they think it's time.
And they do. Sunday afternoon. My mom and Frank have just been down to see grandpa and they had just walked through the door, when they call from the nursing home.
Of course, we leave immediately and grandpa passed away at 5.17pm on sunday, November 1st, 2009.
RIP Grandpa.
On monday, I went to my checkup, which was alright and not as bad as I'd expected.
On thursday was the memorial service for grandpa and it was alright, actually. I always feel a tiny bit more Christian, when I'm at a church, all the while I'm thinking 'get me out of here, this is ridiculous'. Yes, it's a very weird thing.
Friday and saturday were pretty stressful as we had to get the house ready for my mom and Frank's anniversary on sunday. Breakfast at 8am.
That went well and we ate like pigs and had a good time, even if I was up at 7am, lol.
Monday, I went to get my H1N1 shot, part one and by now, my arm feels like someone hit me with a bat on it and it's red and swollen.
I will get the second part on the 30.
Yesterday was just...kinda blah, if I'm honest. First, I had a...thing with my co-writer, asking why she wasn't replying to our RPG and that just escalated into something..very strange.
She made me feel inconsiderate and bitchy, which she pretty much always does when we have these...things.
I think it pretty much boils down to her and I being very different people and having trouble dealing with that. At some point I just stopped replying to the letters, simply because I knew that I'd go nasty on her, if I didn't and there was no reason for that.
She's got a ton of issues and I probably do, as well and honestly, I just couldn't be bothered, anymore. This had been going on most of the day and it really did affect me a lot. Made me frustrated and hurt, so I figured it was better to just leave it.
Then later, I talked to another friend...and I have to admit that I do have a major crush on her.
She lost a good friend and even though I knew it'd be hard for me to hear about, because I've always been horribly jealous of said friend, I talked to her about it. Or listened, rather.
I was going nuts, man. My friend kept saying things that made the fucking green monster in my head think that what they had was more than friendship, even if her friend has a girlfriend, who was the cause for the break.
I kept going over conversations that I've had with my friend, where she was complaining a bit over her friend (and yes, we all do that from time to time, I know that) and it just felt like all of that were lies to make me calm down and stop being jealous. Then I felt guilty for doubting my friend, just to go right back to feeling jealous.
Seriously, I was driving myself nuts, to the point where I just wanted to cry.
But yeah, I listened...and then I went to bed, knowing that I was gonna have a hard time falling asleep, because my brain just wouldn't turn off and stop going over everything and picking it apart to find something that would justify my jealousy.
At some point, I made a comment on Twitter about it, simply to try and get it out of my brain...and a minute later, I got a text from my friend, telling me that I had nothing to worry about and stuff like that.
Made me smile again and we spend like half an hour, texting.
I know that my friend and I have talked about this 'till we turned blue in the face, man and I know that we're trying to keep it real, but somehow I think my friend is a lot better at that, than I am.
And she claims that she's got the green monster, as well but that she's just much better at hiding it. Sometimes, I wish she wasn't, you know?
I know, how it feels to lose a friend and I know it hurts and I know I have to get over myself and be a friend to her and I will.
I will listen, be a friend and try to hide the fact that I'm driving myself nuts, even if she knows anyway.
I'm still feeling a bit insecure and overthinking stuff, but I'm sure that once I get to work, I'll get my mind off things and feel better when I get home.
Truth is..I love her a lot. Yeah, I know some of it, is probably a fantasy we're having and we've talked about that, but even so..she's my best friend and it'd crush me to lose her.
Yes, I know...I'm being pessimistic, paranoid and jealous and I shouldn't. It's not like I can do anything, even if I'm meant to lose her, so I shouldn't even worry about it, unless it becomes relevant.
No matter what..it's my job to be a friend to her and I wasn't a very good one, last night. I promise, I'll do better because she's always there for me, when I need to vent and I will be there for her, as well.
I mean, *shrug* I love her...of course, I'll be there.
Late shift today, which I hate...and only two days of work. I'll be fine. I just need to get my mind off things and get over myself.
Last thursday (29th of october), my mom calls me right after I've gotten up and tells me to get to my grandpa because they all think he's gonna die real soon.
So I get dressed, call work and take the bus to meet her on the station in Frederikssund 45 minutes later and we go to Farum to see grandpa.
And man, he looks bad. His breathing is shallow and he can barely talk, but just grunt a little.
I sit there, holding his hand while the rest of the family pours in through the door and I decide that I'm gonna spend the night, which means that I sleep 3 hours because the bed I'm sleeping in, is so horrible.
On friday morning (at 6.30, after having slept since around 2 and having been up several times during those hours), grandpa looks up at me and says 'guess, it wasn't gonna happen tonight, then, huh?'.
Anyway, we go back home and figure that the nursing home will call us when they think it's time.
And they do. Sunday afternoon. My mom and Frank have just been down to see grandpa and they had just walked through the door, when they call from the nursing home.
Of course, we leave immediately and grandpa passed away at 5.17pm on sunday, November 1st, 2009.
RIP Grandpa.
On monday, I went to my checkup, which was alright and not as bad as I'd expected.
On thursday was the memorial service for grandpa and it was alright, actually. I always feel a tiny bit more Christian, when I'm at a church, all the while I'm thinking 'get me out of here, this is ridiculous'. Yes, it's a very weird thing.
Friday and saturday were pretty stressful as we had to get the house ready for my mom and Frank's anniversary on sunday. Breakfast at 8am.
That went well and we ate like pigs and had a good time, even if I was up at 7am, lol.
Monday, I went to get my H1N1 shot, part one and by now, my arm feels like someone hit me with a bat on it and it's red and swollen.
I will get the second part on the 30.
Yesterday was just...kinda blah, if I'm honest. First, I had a...thing with my co-writer, asking why she wasn't replying to our RPG and that just escalated into something..very strange.
She made me feel inconsiderate and bitchy, which she pretty much always does when we have these...things.
I think it pretty much boils down to her and I being very different people and having trouble dealing with that. At some point I just stopped replying to the letters, simply because I knew that I'd go nasty on her, if I didn't and there was no reason for that.
She's got a ton of issues and I probably do, as well and honestly, I just couldn't be bothered, anymore. This had been going on most of the day and it really did affect me a lot. Made me frustrated and hurt, so I figured it was better to just leave it.
Then later, I talked to another friend...and I have to admit that I do have a major crush on her.
She lost a good friend and even though I knew it'd be hard for me to hear about, because I've always been horribly jealous of said friend, I talked to her about it. Or listened, rather.
I was going nuts, man. My friend kept saying things that made the fucking green monster in my head think that what they had was more than friendship, even if her friend has a girlfriend, who was the cause for the break.
I kept going over conversations that I've had with my friend, where she was complaining a bit over her friend (and yes, we all do that from time to time, I know that) and it just felt like all of that were lies to make me calm down and stop being jealous. Then I felt guilty for doubting my friend, just to go right back to feeling jealous.
Seriously, I was driving myself nuts, to the point where I just wanted to cry.
But yeah, I listened...and then I went to bed, knowing that I was gonna have a hard time falling asleep, because my brain just wouldn't turn off and stop going over everything and picking it apart to find something that would justify my jealousy.
At some point, I made a comment on Twitter about it, simply to try and get it out of my brain...and a minute later, I got a text from my friend, telling me that I had nothing to worry about and stuff like that.
Made me smile again and we spend like half an hour, texting.
I know that my friend and I have talked about this 'till we turned blue in the face, man and I know that we're trying to keep it real, but somehow I think my friend is a lot better at that, than I am.
And she claims that she's got the green monster, as well but that she's just much better at hiding it. Sometimes, I wish she wasn't, you know?
I know, how it feels to lose a friend and I know it hurts and I know I have to get over myself and be a friend to her and I will.
I will listen, be a friend and try to hide the fact that I'm driving myself nuts, even if she knows anyway.
I'm still feeling a bit insecure and overthinking stuff, but I'm sure that once I get to work, I'll get my mind off things and feel better when I get home.
Truth is..I love her a lot. Yeah, I know some of it, is probably a fantasy we're having and we've talked about that, but even so..she's my best friend and it'd crush me to lose her.
Yes, I know...I'm being pessimistic, paranoid and jealous and I shouldn't. It's not like I can do anything, even if I'm meant to lose her, so I shouldn't even worry about it, unless it becomes relevant.
No matter what..it's my job to be a friend to her and I wasn't a very good one, last night. I promise, I'll do better because she's always there for me, when I need to vent and I will be there for her, as well.
I mean, *shrug* I love her...of course, I'll be there.
Late shift today, which I hate...and only two days of work. I'll be fine. I just need to get my mind off things and get over myself.
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