Pouring shit out.

I'm feeling a lot, these days. Mostly negative stuff, if I'm honest.
I feel insanely jealous of the tiniest things, I feel inferior to my friends, I feel like I should leave LPV (not that I ever could!) because I'm not really doing any good on there, anyway and Nat's the one doing everything, coming up with new ideas and writing long-assed fanfics with people.
I feel infuriated towards people who hasn't done anything to me and don't deserve my anger and I feel annoyed that I can't write anything remotely interesting.
And then there's another part of me that's like 'Pfft! You're too fucking old for this bullshit! You shouldn't give a flying fuck about long-assed fanfictions or who's writing with who or who writes what in their replies to threads on the board. And you certainly shouldn't give a fuck about fanfiction! It's not like you're that into the band, these days, anyway. You're acting like a fucking teenager and it's ridiculous!'.
And I know, it's true. I'm 33 fucking years old and should have better things to do with my time than worry about fanfiction or which teenager is annoying the crap out of me, today.
Don't get me wrong; I love my RPGs so much and I would never turn my back on them or the people I'm writing with.
But sometimes, it just seems ridiculous, you know?
According to 'standard', I should be out looking for a man to marry (*gag*) or a boyfriend, at least. The problem is...yeah, I miss having a boyfriend, sometimes....someone to cuddle up with on the couch, someone to go to the fucking zoo with or some other ridiculously romantic bullshit, like it...but on the other hand, I really can't be bothered, you know?
Getting to know someone...that takes a war...and figuring out if you're in love or not..and knowing me, I'd probably scare them off within a couple of weeks...and it just seems like too much of an effort.
I don't want to open up to someone new. I feel too much and I feel like I'm too fucking complicated, needy and annoying for anyone to actually -want- to get to know me.
I wish that someone would just walk in and blow my mind, you know? Tell me that they see through all the bullshit and tough talking and know that I'm a fucking mess...that I'm fucking scared and frustrated and that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. That everyone feels like that, sometimes. That everyone feels needy and clingy and fucking insecure about every little thing, sometimes and that it's okay.
I know the real world doesn't work like that, though and I know that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen.
On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone, just to feel normal or complete, you know?
And I want to get out of this fucking fantasy I have in my head, too! Some days, I'm okay and know...this is imaginary, most likely and we're just friends and I have no issues.
Other days...most days, actually...I feel extremely possessive and needy, wanting nothing more than to be told what I need to hear...that I'm loved and that I'm....well, the only one, for lack of a better term..and then when I don't get that...I go pissy and bitchy, even if I know that I can't expect people to fucking read my mind.
Sometimes, I try to pull back and be a little distant, simply to protect myself...but then something cute happens and I'm sucked right back into the whole mess.
And yeah, I know that the mess is in my head because I think and feel too fucking much, all the time..but sometimes, it's just so difficult to get rid of, you know?
Also, I think the whole mess with grandpa is eating me more than I let on. It's not like I go around feeling bad that he's gonna die, because I'm rather okay with the fact that none of us will survive life.
I think it's more the fact that it's so stressful, right now, you know? My mom's a mess and completely stressed out, driving to see him every day, because she wants to be there, when it happens, even if I tell her that they will call us if there's any change.
I know, it'll be messy once he's gone, setting up the funeral and all that and I know that my mom's gonna need my support and that I'll give it to her.
I don't even think I'll cry when he's gone, simply because he's in so much agony right now, I know it'll be a release for him to let go of life, not to mention the fact that I've never been close to him...not even as a kid and he spend so many years of his life, being this nasty and mean man that I really didn't want to be around.
I'm trying to keep it real, but I think it's actually stressing me out a lot more than I thought it would.

Anyway, today I have work and mom's letting me borrow the car, so I don't have to leave early and come home late, so I'm happy about that.
When I go home tomorrow night, I'll have 12 days off and I'll actually have some real life things to do, which I think will be good for me.
It'll probably mean that there will be days, where I won't get on MSN...which is not necessarily a bad thing...but I'll reply to my RPGs, as much as I can. I can't just ignore those, lol.