Ranting and obsessing.

I've spend the past week (mostly days off, of course), having a cold. Isn't that awesome? Me..I never get sick...never.
And I end up with a cold that pretty much felt like it was about to take me down. I forget how awful it feels to be sick and then when I do get sick like...once a year or whatever, I feel like I'm on the brink of death.
Now, I've called in sick yesterday and today, simply because I didn't feel 100%. Right now...I still don't. My nose is stuffy and my neck is sore, but I still think that I'm gonna go to work tomorrow.
Simply because it drives me a little crazy when I stay home for too long and I start obsessing about things...tiny, little, itty bitty things that should not be that big of a deal.
Like the following.

I become sad when I feel like I'm left out. Even with small things like a headache or whatever. It saddens me that it doesn't seem important enough to tell me...or that I'm not important enough to tell.
I hate it, but it disappoints me to no end, when there's not a message there in the morning. I kinda feel like I just don't matter.
I definitely feel disconnected and I don't think it's just about ATS, either. Maybe it's the age difference setting in?
That scares the crap out of me, to be honest. Mostly because I don't want it to. God, I'm so co-dependent and it bugs the hell out of me.

And I really don't care all that much about Linkin Park, anymore, either. I see all these sites put up interviews and whatnot on Twitter...and I just ignore it and sometimes get a little bit annoyed because I just don't care.
It's not that I don't want to watch the boys being interviewed, but I think that if I hear one more time that ATS is suuuuuuch an amazing album or how awesome the boys are for going out of their comfort zone or whatever, I think I might cry tears of frustration.
People are definitely entitled to their opinion and all and I respect that...but man, it just gets a little old when you've heard how fucking brilliant it is and how amazing and yada yada yada, for the millionth time, especially when you don't feel the same about it.
I've only listened to the damned thing twice, but honestly....I really don't have the urge to listen to it again.
I will, but I really don't feel like doing it. And I know I'm gonna skip a lot. Mike may say that you have to listen to the album from start to finish and bla bla, but honestly...I just can't be bothered and I tried that already and it just didn't do anything for me...at all. I was just waiting for it to be over, already.
All the non-songs are bugging the crap out of me and I know I'll skip them...much like Give Me Your Name by DBS, I probably won't give them a third listen, at all.
It bothers me that I -know- that there are A LOT of things that I'm not told or that is changed to be something safe, like on that horrible video from the other day.
I don't understand that. Yeah, I do it when my reply seems too bitchy or whatever but other than that...what's the worst that can happen? That you're honest and figure out that the world didn't implode.
It makes me sad, when people refer to me as a friend or sometimes, even best friend and still don't share things with me. I get that some things may seem to be/are irrelevant or just those every day things that don't seem important...but personal things...are you not supposed to share those with your best friend? I thought so.

Ramblings.

- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.

It's almost time to go back to work. I go back on Wednesday.
I've exercised as I wanted to and I had the BEST time during Pride Parade! Kirsten and I walked with the Parade from start to finish - 3½ hours of walking and dancing and I ended up pretty drunk by the time we went home but I had an awesome time and I'm doing it again next year, that's for sure.
I didn't meet Nick for coffee because I got drunk at the parade, but then I told him that I couldn't imaging sleeping with him and he didn't want to keep dating me, then.
That's alright with me. Even if I think he could've been good for me, I think he would've had to be as a friend because I just wasn't attracted to him like that.
Yeah, he was sweet and whatnot, but also very, very curious about my economy and whatnot and that made me a bit paranoid, plus the fact that I just couldn't imagine having sex with him.
I'm not completely done with my bedroom and living room, but I'm getting there, lol. I'm so lazy.

It's about time for me to go back to work, though. I'm starting to feel slightly depressed-y and I'm extremely over sensitive and I get so easily hurt if my girl doesn't say what I expect her or reply right away or something and it's just very unfair.
I've just had a few days where I've felt extremely unloved, sad and pathetic and the fact that she's slightly pms-y and whatnot doesn't exactly help the situation.
So yeah...I need to go back to work.

Oh yeah and I saw the video for The Catalyst...and it made me like the song a bit more.
Seriously, the video is AWESOME and so beautiful and I'm a little bit obsessed with it, though I really don't want to be.
Yes, that's completely lame and very childish but it just annoys me a little bit that the song, I found to be seriously annoying, repetitive and so beneath my boys' talents, started growing on me, the second that I saw Mr. Hahn's (whom I really don't like as a person..the person we know, anyway) video for it. I guess that only says good things about Joe because he really is a good director..but yeah.
I still think the lyrics are repetitive and annoying, but they seem so much more bearable when I watch the video and I don't know if it's the song growing on me or if it's because of Mike and Chester's insane hotness, because let me tell you....THEY ARE FUCKING HOT!!!!!
Yeah, I don't care about the rest of the band's participation in the video (s), but those two are fucking hot.

Smoking, dating, depression, guilt and doubts.

When I leave work on Thursday night, I'm on vacation for 12 days. Now, of course I plan on doing nothing and write a lot, but I also have a few things that I want to do.

- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.

Now, lately it's been difficult living in my house...for me, at least. It actually got so bad that when I drove to the doctor's on Monday, I cried the whole ½ hour drive there.
I get very frustrated because the parental units have started smoking inside again. I could deal with them starting to smoke again, but it's very difficult to deal with them smoking in the house - especially because the no-smoking signs are still up on the doors, which I find to be very hypocritical.
This has caused me to permanently close my door to my hallway. I know, I can't avoid the smoke completely because that would mean that I was moving out, but at least I can make it less horrible in my own end by having the door shut at all times.
My mom's doctor also claims that she has a depression and has given her anti-depressants for it, which is good, I guess.
I just don't believe that she's got an actual depression - I think she could be on the verge of one and therefore he's given her the meds, but yeah.
Normally, people with depressions don't function very well and they're extremely tired all the time, sleeping a lot. Now, my mom has been tired since she stopped working, because she's got that lung disease but she functions alright and even has the energy to bitch at me and my step dad, whenever we don't dance to her tune and not many depressed people have the energy to do that - they just can't bring themselves to care enough.
Of course...my mom being my mom, she's very dramatic about it and it seems like she's expecting my stepdad and I to be nothing but fucking understanding and do whatever she demands.
Well, I'm sorry mother dearest, but that would mean that I was letting you stay in that state of mind and I'm not gonna do that, so I'm gonna treat you like I normally do and tell you when you're out of line - at least toward me.
What my stepdad does, is his business but I have a feeling that he'll explode at some point, too because she really is rather demanding and expects him to just do whatever she wants.

Can you tell that I'm annoyed with my mom, lately? Lol. I know, it's probably not -that- bad, but I'm just extremely annoyed these days (pms also playing a part, I think) and that colors my view on everything, too, of course.

I've been on two dates with Nick and he seems like a nice guy. I think the problem is that I've been single for so very long that I just don't know how to trust guys, anymore.
Of course, there's also the issue with my girl which is causing me to feel EXTREMELY guilty, whenever I see Nick.
Part of me goes 'yeah, but she's in Memphis and you are here - you need to do something for yourself and your life here and she knows this', but the other part of me is like 'yeah, but you love her and you wanna go see her...are you sure you should be doing this?'.
It's very frustrating and even though I've tried talking to my mom about the whole Nick situation, it's just not working because she's so caught up in herself, she can barely pretend to care, when I mention anything about it....which hurts, too.
I have a gut feeling that Nick could be good for me...if I could just let my guard down, which I can't seem to do.
I mean, we've only been on two dates which is nothing and certainly not enough to say that you know someone and I've had to tell him to back the fuck off a little, because he was very 'oh, I would like to kiss you or hold your hand' and I was like 'get away from me, I'm not there yet!'. Then he told me that I should tell him if I wanted him as a boyfriend, to which I said that I was so far from being anywhere near that as I could be.
Seriously, I've pushed him away because I'm scared shitless of opening up, of losing my best friend and of getting hurt and hurting my best friend....and he just accepts it.
Now, part of me thinks that it's awesome and that maybe he really does like me enough to stick around and be patient...the other part of me is completely paranoid and thinks he's just being patient to use me and the second I should sleep with him (soooooo far from even considering doing that, though!) or something, he's going to hurt me.

I don't know. I think it's very difficult to be me, these days. And yes, that sounds horribly selfish and I know that I should be nicer to my mom (in general, not because of the alleged depression) and other people, but I just feel like I have so much on my mind that I can't really wrap my brain around anything else, right now.

Three weeks later....

So I've been living in my co-worker's apartment for the past three weeks and it's been an experience.
First of all; everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not one who cleans and vacuums and whatnot every week or even every month. But entering this apartment was mind blowing. Especially, because my co-worker was -really- excited and said 'can you tell that I've cleaned like crazy for you?'. I couldn't. Not at all. In fact it looks like she hasn't cleaned in years.
I'm not bullshitting you. The first thing I did, was vacuum the entire (tiny, one bedroom) apartment, just so I didn't have to wear shoes inside.
I also washed some of the windows...though only on the outside and I'm telling you...the water was brown. Seriously; dark brown like my natural hair color. It was gross.
Not only that, but the first time I had to shower, I had to continuously move the shower head around just to get wet. Water wasn't pouring down, but more like to all sides from the shower head. So that caused me to soak it in vinegar for 24 hours or so. That helped.
I didn't take anything out of any cabinet in the kitchen and use it, before washing it. Everything is so dirty, man.
Seriously, this co-worker claims to have dust allergies. Well, I'm claiming that she can stuff that up her ass because anyone who can live in all of this filth, does not have dust allergies. Not even dust intolerant. Seriously, it's gross.

Then there's the tale of the hot water...or lack of same...well, lack of pressure, anyway. Seriously, I can't wait to go home to take a REAL shower, where there's actually pressure on the water.
Here, it's like...you turn on the hot water and then barely touch the cold one...and the water seriously looks like it can't really be bothered coming out of the tap/shower head, but if you insist...
I could not live like this every day, all the time. I would go crazy!

So why did I stay for 3 weeks? Because both me and my parents needed it. We needed the space. Now...I can't wait to go home on Monday morning. I told my mom to pick me up at 9am, simply because I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME!

I can't say that I'll never stay here again, because it's been nice with a break, but I'll still be amazed how someone can live in a place this filthy. It seriously boggles my mind.

....my laptop needs to be dusted, as well, lol.

Random thoughts.

- Our house is not for sale anymore. The bank wouldn't accept the new price. I don't blame them because we would lose A LOT of money and I prefer to get out of it with a big, fat ZERO on the bottom line or maybe even with money.

- My mom was pretty crushed that the bank said no, so now she's getting a kitten, instead, lol.

- I'm currently living in the apartment of a co-worker and will be until the 19th. It's awesome to be alone again, but also a bit difficult because I have to fight my own head again. I love being on my own, but I have to fight my own thoughts a lot and I'm not always successful.

- I did a thing I never thought I'd do; I asked my girlfriend to stop following and block the person I mentioned in my previous post. It's a bit naive, I know...because in all reality (no blame, just realism), they could be talking on AIM, MSN and Yahoo, not to mention pretty much everywhere else and I would never know. But I'm trying not to focus on that and just be grateful that my girlfriend actually did this for me, because it's a very big deal for me and means the world. Maybe it's just me, but it's also left a bit of awkwardness between us. I think I'm more needy than normal and maybe she's getting a bit sick of that because she doesn't seem to be. So I'm trying to back off a little and not be a drama queen when I don't get BB messages in the morning and whatnot. I don't know, like I said; I need to fight my own head a little bit because my brain can seriously come up with a lot of bullshit and I can't allow it to take over. The fact that I asked her to unfollow and block was more than enough and the rest...well, I just have to fucking deal with it and stop being so dramatic. If I don't, it'll drive us apart and I don't want to lose my best friend.

- Linkin Park is releasing their new album 'A Thousand Suns' on September 14th and for a while, I was very 'meh' about it. Didn't really give a damn, to be honest and it was depressing the fuck out of me, no bullshit. This is my favorite band, we're talking about!! I should be jumping around like a mad person that they're finally releasing another album! And yet, I was like 'Oh, September 14th? Okay.' and that was it. It was doing my head in and even more so because my best friend was really excited and couldn't really say anything to make me feel better. It got to a point where I almost got angry at her for being excited. Yes, I'm weird. Then we talked a bit back and forth and I listened to the song from their game (which I still find to be a lame idea, by the way), 'Blackbirds' and it's just...maybe it was because of my mood, but I'm not sure...a very depressing song.
Chester's voice was amazing and it became clear to me that I don't listen to them enough, when I can forget how amazing Mr. Bennington's voice really is.
Then we listened to New Divide and it put a smile on my face instantly. I'd forgotten how much I loved that song. So I promised myself that I would listen to a lot more LP over my days off and generally in my life and as I listen to Points Of Authority from Live in Texas, right now, I'm finding my love for the boys again and I'm sure that I'll be super excited by the time the album is out.
I'm not going to go to their show unless they add a date in Copenhagen, though. I've been to two shows and they're awesome, I should be willing to ride my bike to Jutland to attend, but honestly...I promised I'd take Kirsten, but I can't really wrap my brain around going to Jutland with her. She's too distracted and does everything at the last moment and that pisses me off and I don't want to be pissed off at a LP show.
I can live without going to their show, if I'm honest.

- Things at work are sucky. For the first time, I'm actually enjoying to be working with temps and there's only one reason for that; when I work with temps, I'm sure that I'll get to stay on my own floor.
I talked to my boss about this and told her that I can feel that I'll go down with stress, if we don't do something about it. I spent two days with stomach ache and barely sleeping, before I had to go to work and realized that I had to do something about it or I'll break.
That caused her to mention that maybe we should all be introduced to the other two 'departments', so we had a better knowledge of how things are there, which I think would be awesome.
Not because I'm jumping in excitement about having to work other departments than my own, but if I -have to-, then I want to know what the fuck I'm doing and not just go by instinct.
Of course, some of my co-workers thinks it's a horrible idea because they really don't want to work anything but their own department and the only comment I had to their 'I don't want to do that!!', was 'well, then come up with a different suggestion.' and that shut them up.
We'll talk about this in the fall and see if we can figure out a solution. In the meantime, I'm seriously considering finding a different job, to be honest. Only time will tell what will happen.

Dreams.

I dreamed about my girl, last night. I think I was influenced by my RPG or something, lol, because it was pretty much a romantic make-out/groping dream, lol.
I know that sounds horribly dirty and whatnot, but it really wasn't. It was nice and romantic and just...pretty fluffy, really.
I pretty much spend most of the night, making out with her, lol and it was just....yeah, nice.

Then I woke up and went back to sleep and then dreamed that we were having bingo night at work and for some reason, my ex and his new girlfriend was there. Not that I mind, at all because I was done with him when I moved out, 10 years ago, but it was just a weird place for them to be.
Then someone brought two big dogs (a mastiff and a rottweiler, I think it was) and one of our citizens freaked out because they came into his apartment (I don't know how, because the door was closed, but they did.) and I had to go tell them to get out of there.
Good thing I'm not afraid of dogs, like Kirsten.
And for some reason, I kept changing my shoes, from my flip-flops to my cowboy boots and my emus and I kept losing my socks, which I had to wear for my cowboy boots - very strange indeed.
Once we were all going to leave, I wanted to borrow Lars and Gitte's (ex and girlfriend) DVD with Alice In Wonderland (the new one w/Johnny Depp, yes. I have no desire to watch that movie, though so I don't know.), but they wouldn't let me.
Once we were outside, there were three people on a bike...a bike made for three people, that is and it was all just very weird, but I suppose we all drove away before my alarm woke me up.

Bitching

So I’m very annoyed these days. My mom is annoying the crap out of me with all her illness and shit, man.

Yeah, she was told that she needs a new hip. I get that, that’s fair enough and I know she’s in pain and has been for a long time, now. But suddenly, after she was told that she needs a new hip….the pain is soooooo much worse and almost unbearable? I know it hurts, but come on. It can’t magically become worse after five minutes of talking to your doctor.

I don’t know. I work as a social health care worker and to be honest, I get enough illness when I’m at work and I’m just sick of hearing about people and whatever illnesses they have. I don’t need it when I get home and I don’t need people to ramble on and on.

Yeah, I talk about it, too, if I have some sort of disorder or sickness. Whatever…but my mom pretty much makes it into a contest or so it feels and it drives me up the walls.

I can’t wait to get my own place and then I don’t have to feel like I’m at work all the time. Enough with the sick people, already! Find something else to focus on, man!

And yes, this also means that I have a couple of people on Twitter that are driving me mad. Not because of their rambling about illnesses or anything like that, but because of their endless hyper moods, man and their excessive tweeting about Mike Shinoda and how awesome he is.

Yes, thank you. We are fans too and we know how awesome the man is. Doesn’t mean that we have the need to randomly tweet his name all the time.

It -is- possible to be a fan without going on and on about whomever you’re a fan of, you know.

Okay, one of these people, I actually have no trouble un-following because we don’t really talk or whatever…and I don’t really care about her, to be honest and I know that she doesn‘t care about me, even if she‘ll deny it in the name of being nice and oh-so-fucking-positive.

But the other one…even if we’re not close friends…I do consider her a friend…or acquaintance, at least and she’s actually a sweet girl who never did anything to me….except from being insanely hyper and overly obsessed with Mike Shinoda.

Knowing me, I’ll probably end up getting so annoyed that I’ll un-follow both of them and I know that’s okay. I have no problem with people un-following me or anything, but it just kind of sucks when you’ve enjoyed following someone for a while and then that just stops.

And I lost someone, I thought was a friend, today. Brian. I don’t know why I thought he was a friend, though. He’s always been sarcastic and semi-nasty to me ever since I got on SOY. I guess, he and Kerrie are more perfect for each other than I originally thought, huh?


Anyway, we were having an amusing discussion about movies today and trust me…we do not like the same movies -at all-, but it was all fun and games.

He was making some comment about me liking Transformers so I shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on movies in the first place and it was all fun and games. I commented on Donnie Darko, which I hate and this Bobby person made some comment about holding his tongue so he wouldn’t comment on that and everything just escalated from there, ending up with Brian saying that I deleted him from my Facebook (which I did, yes) and if the others had anyone seen anyone be that sensitive about Transformers.

Yes, I know that was just Brian being Brian again, but seriously…it just fucking hurt. And like I said to Brian on Twitter a few minutes ago; it may not have meant anything to me tomorrow, but today it hurt.

I’ve always liked Brian a lot. Maybe more than I should have, even, but his inability to be serious…or maybe my inability to tell when he’s serious and when he’s not, has always been difficult for me. And I’ve always despised him when he was busy ‘being cute’ or whatthefuckever they wanted to call it, with Kerrie.

Today, I just had enough. Yeah, he and Bobby may not have meant it in a bad way or tried to hurt my feelings, but the fact that they continued to mock me after I removed myself from the discussion only makes me think that he’s lying through his teeth when he says they weren’t being malicious.

Maybe his interpretation of ‘malicious’ and mine just aren’t the same, huh?

February 14th.

Happy Birthday, Jesse!

Yeah, I still greet him and I also think about him a lot on this day. He's 25 or 26, today. Crazy. Tempus Fugit. When I met him, he was 16 and about to become a father, man. I feel so old, lol!

Dating

It's not really something I'm good at. I haven't done it in years and I tend to be too paranoid about guys, anyway, so I normally never get to go on a date with them.
But Peter...I met Peter today. We walked his dog, Chili and had a nice talk about this and that. For once there wasn't any awkward silence, which was nice.
He was/is pretty much throwing compliments around, like 'you look sweet' or something like it and it makes me a little uncomfortable, if I'm completely honest.
Now, he started off telling me his 'big bad secret' which is that he's done 6 months in jail for beating some guy up...in a serious way.
Kudos to him for telling me straight away, but I can't exactly say that I'm pleased. I told him, he was an idiot for doing something stupid like that and he agreed and told me that he'd never do time, again.
I have to admit that it's making me uncomfortable that he's done something like that (it was pretty bad, actually), but on the other hand, I spent half an hour with the guy and it's really not enough time to judge him.
I'm gonna be honest with him and tell him that it makes me uncomfortable, simply because we've been honest from the get-go...or at least I have and I hope that he has, as well.
Now, we have a dinner date on saturday night, but if he thinks he's getting lucky, he's got another thing coming. We're gonna have dinner and then he'll take me home again.

Now, I know that this is awkward for someone special in my life and that it probably hurts and I really, really hate that.
I know, we talked about this whole thing the other night, but that doesn't exactly make it any easier.
See, I really do love this person and the last thing I want is to hurt them. But on the other hand, I have to recognize the fact that we're on opposite sides of the world and that I'm 11 years older.
I'm getting sick of being such a couch potato and being alone, so I'm trying to do something about it.
This person (and my other friends, too), however, is so important to me that I will make them a priority, even if I should end up with a boyfriend (and yeah, that makes it sound like 'a boyfriend' is an STD, lol, but that's not what I mean).
I want to have space and time to be online, here and there to talk to this person and I most certainly expect texts, just like I'll keep sending text.
In short: there's no way I'm gonna lose contact with this person, no matter what happens.
I love you too much for that, baby and you know (or should know) that you'll always mean the world to me. I have the tattoo to prove it, lol.

Anyway, more on the dating thing later.

Drama!

Friday, when Illona and I were in the café, randomly chatting to Ingerlise, she asked Illona if she could talk to her in private.
Both Illona and I thought that it was, once again, about my attitude or something like that.
Illona was taken to an office where Lise, Ellen and Marianna was sitting and waiting for her.
Ingerlise took the lead and told Illona that they had had it with her and her negativity and the fact that she caused a bad atmosphere at work. They told her that she interfered with their jobs and got into stuff that's none of her business and that she reads up on their citizens.
Illona, of course, was completely shocked and asked about specific situations, but Ingerlise just said that it 'was the general attitude that became too much and that they really couldn't keep repeating specific situations'.
At some point, Lene called me and asked me to bring Lisbeth to this office because she wanted to talk to us.
When we got there, Illona was crying like crazy, to the point of not being able to breathe and after Lisbeth and I were told what had happened, we were furious, shocked and completely surprised that adults can behave like that towards other adults.
We thought stuff like that only happened in the 6th grade, but apparently not.
Our boss was called and came to talk to Illona and this situations -will- have consequences because our top boss will be informed, today.
Now, we don't know what will happen, exactly so we'll have to wait and see about that.
It's been quite an eventful weekend, because of this and I'm having problems figuring out how to continue, because there are just so many details going round in my head, it's tough to find a system.
After this whole thing with Illona, Lisbeth and I were to run our two departments alone, because Lene and Illona was talking to our boss and while I was helping Lisbeth put a citizen to bed...I slipped in some water on the bathroom floor and fell hard onto my knees.
The pain. My god, it hurt so badly all I could do was sit there on my fucked up knees...and cry my eyes out.
I asked Lisbeth, through my heavy crying, if we couldn't just erase that day and pretend that it never happened.
I mean, first Illona gets ambushed by four colleagues, and then I fall on my ass (or knees, rather) and hurt myself.
The weekend was not starting off well.
Surprisingly, Illona showed up on saturday, but started the shift with crying and was crying randomly throughout the night.
I'm sore and bruised, but thankfully nothing serious happened to me, what with broken bones or anything like that.
We made it through the weekend, but I wonder what will happen today, when our bosses get a chance to talk about what happened to Illona and what she'll be told at the meeting, she'll hopefully have with the bosses, later today.
She promised me that she'll call me, once she's found out something or has heard something, so I'm waiting for that.

I'm gonna go have breakfast now. I just needed to sort this thing out a bit. I might blog about it, some more, later but we'll see if that's needed.

Good news.

We got the bill for the rat/sewer damage/repair and it's awesome. The total bill was at a good $12.000, but we only have to pay a good $500.
Now, I'm assuming that since it says 'For damage number xxxxxx, you have to pay, IN TOTAL', we won't get another bill, even if my mom was a little pessimistic at first.
I can't say how happy it made me, man. This means that I won't have to spend all of my money on that bill and that I might even get to buy myself a moped, so I won't have to take the bus all the time.
Yeah, those money were for my trip to the states and I don't plan on spending them all, but seeing as my trip has been postponed, anyway, I figured that I might as well spend some of it to make my day-to-day life a little bit easier.
I will keep saving up, as much as I can and seeing as I'm quitting smoking again around new years, there will be some money to save, there.
I haven't given up on going to see Nat. Far from it. And even though I was horribly sad that I had to cave in and say that I couldn't make it 'til May, next year, I have accepted the fact that I really don't want to go and having to watch what I spend my money on. I wanna be able to go and just do whatever I feel like, get my ink and whatnot and so I had to postpone it.
But I do still plan on going to Memphis and meet my best friend. I just don't know when I'll go.

Life update.

Wow, a lot has been happening and going on the last few weeks or so.
Last thursday (29th of october), my mom calls me right after I've gotten up and tells me to get to my grandpa because they all think he's gonna die real soon.
So I get dressed, call work and take the bus to meet her on the station in Frederikssund 45 minutes later and we go to Farum to see grandpa.
And man, he looks bad. His breathing is shallow and he can barely talk, but just grunt a little.
I sit there, holding his hand while the rest of the family pours in through the door and I decide that I'm gonna spend the night, which means that I sleep 3 hours because the bed I'm sleeping in, is so horrible.
On friday morning (at 6.30, after having slept since around 2 and having been up several times during those hours), grandpa looks up at me and says 'guess, it wasn't gonna happen tonight, then, huh?'.
Anyway, we go back home and figure that the nursing home will call us when they think it's time.
And they do. Sunday afternoon. My mom and Frank have just been down to see grandpa and they had just walked through the door, when they call from the nursing home.
Of course, we leave immediately and grandpa passed away at 5.17pm on sunday, November 1st, 2009.
RIP Grandpa.
On monday, I went to my checkup, which was alright and not as bad as I'd expected.
On thursday was the memorial service for grandpa and it was alright, actually. I always feel a tiny bit more Christian, when I'm at a church, all the while I'm thinking 'get me out of here, this is ridiculous'. Yes, it's a very weird thing.
Friday and saturday were pretty stressful as we had to get the house ready for my mom and Frank's anniversary on sunday. Breakfast at 8am.
That went well and we ate like pigs and had a good time, even if I was up at 7am, lol.

Monday, I went to get my H1N1 shot, part one and by now, my arm feels like someone hit me with a bat on it and it's red and swollen.
I will get the second part on the 30.

Yesterday was just...kinda blah, if I'm honest. First, I had a...thing with my co-writer, asking why she wasn't replying to our RPG and that just escalated into something..very strange.
She made me feel inconsiderate and bitchy, which she pretty much always does when we have these...things.
I think it pretty much boils down to her and I being very different people and having trouble dealing with that. At some point I just stopped replying to the letters, simply because I knew that I'd go nasty on her, if I didn't and there was no reason for that.
She's got a ton of issues and I probably do, as well and honestly, I just couldn't be bothered, anymore. This had been going on most of the day and it really did affect me a lot. Made me frustrated and hurt, so I figured it was better to just leave it.
Then later, I talked to another friend...and I have to admit that I do have a major crush on her.
She lost a good friend and even though I knew it'd be hard for me to hear about, because I've always been horribly jealous of said friend, I talked to her about it. Or listened, rather.
I was going nuts, man. My friend kept saying things that made the fucking green monster in my head think that what they had was more than friendship, even if her friend has a girlfriend, who was the cause for the break.
I kept going over conversations that I've had with my friend, where she was complaining a bit over her friend (and yes, we all do that from time to time, I know that) and it just felt like all of that were lies to make me calm down and stop being jealous. Then I felt guilty for doubting my friend, just to go right back to feeling jealous.
Seriously, I was driving myself nuts, to the point where I just wanted to cry.
But yeah, I listened...and then I went to bed, knowing that I was gonna have a hard time falling asleep, because my brain just wouldn't turn off and stop going over everything and picking it apart to find something that would justify my jealousy.
At some point, I made a comment on Twitter about it, simply to try and get it out of my brain...and a minute later, I got a text from my friend, telling me that I had nothing to worry about and stuff like that.
Made me smile again and we spend like half an hour, texting.
I know that my friend and I have talked about this 'till we turned blue in the face, man and I know that we're trying to keep it real, but somehow I think my friend is a lot better at that, than I am.
And she claims that she's got the green monster, as well but that she's just much better at hiding it. Sometimes, I wish she wasn't, you know?
I know, how it feels to lose a friend and I know it hurts and I know I have to get over myself and be a friend to her and I will.
I will listen, be a friend and try to hide the fact that I'm driving myself nuts, even if she knows anyway.
I'm still feeling a bit insecure and overthinking stuff, but I'm sure that once I get to work, I'll get my mind off things and feel better when I get home.
Truth is..I love her a lot. Yeah, I know some of it, is probably a fantasy we're having and we've talked about that, but even so..she's my best friend and it'd crush me to lose her.
Yes, I know...I'm being pessimistic, paranoid and jealous and I shouldn't. It's not like I can do anything, even if I'm meant to lose her, so I shouldn't even worry about it, unless it becomes relevant.
No matter what..it's my job to be a friend to her and I wasn't a very good one, last night. I promise, I'll do better because she's always there for me, when I need to vent and I will be there for her, as well.
I mean, *shrug* I love her...of course, I'll be there.

Late shift today, which I hate...and only two days of work. I'll be fine. I just need to get my mind off things and get over myself.

Pouring shit out.

I'm feeling a lot, these days. Mostly negative stuff, if I'm honest.
I feel insanely jealous of the tiniest things, I feel inferior to my friends, I feel like I should leave LPV (not that I ever could!) because I'm not really doing any good on there, anyway and Nat's the one doing everything, coming up with new ideas and writing long-assed fanfics with people.
I feel infuriated towards people who hasn't done anything to me and don't deserve my anger and I feel annoyed that I can't write anything remotely interesting.
And then there's another part of me that's like 'Pfft! You're too fucking old for this bullshit! You shouldn't give a flying fuck about long-assed fanfictions or who's writing with who or who writes what in their replies to threads on the board. And you certainly shouldn't give a fuck about fanfiction! It's not like you're that into the band, these days, anyway. You're acting like a fucking teenager and it's ridiculous!'.
And I know, it's true. I'm 33 fucking years old and should have better things to do with my time than worry about fanfiction or which teenager is annoying the crap out of me, today.
Don't get me wrong; I love my RPGs so much and I would never turn my back on them or the people I'm writing with.
But sometimes, it just seems ridiculous, you know?
According to 'standard', I should be out looking for a man to marry (*gag*) or a boyfriend, at least. The problem is...yeah, I miss having a boyfriend, sometimes....someone to cuddle up with on the couch, someone to go to the fucking zoo with or some other ridiculously romantic bullshit, like it...but on the other hand, I really can't be bothered, you know?
Getting to know someone...that takes a war...and figuring out if you're in love or not..and knowing me, I'd probably scare them off within a couple of weeks...and it just seems like too much of an effort.
I don't want to open up to someone new. I feel too much and I feel like I'm too fucking complicated, needy and annoying for anyone to actually -want- to get to know me.
I wish that someone would just walk in and blow my mind, you know? Tell me that they see through all the bullshit and tough talking and know that I'm a fucking mess...that I'm fucking scared and frustrated and that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. That everyone feels like that, sometimes. That everyone feels needy and clingy and fucking insecure about every little thing, sometimes and that it's okay.
I know the real world doesn't work like that, though and I know that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen.
On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone, just to feel normal or complete, you know?
And I want to get out of this fucking fantasy I have in my head, too! Some days, I'm okay and know...this is imaginary, most likely and we're just friends and I have no issues.
Other days...most days, actually...I feel extremely possessive and needy, wanting nothing more than to be told what I need to hear...that I'm loved and that I'm....well, the only one, for lack of a better term..and then when I don't get that...I go pissy and bitchy, even if I know that I can't expect people to fucking read my mind.
Sometimes, I try to pull back and be a little distant, simply to protect myself...but then something cute happens and I'm sucked right back into the whole mess.
And yeah, I know that the mess is in my head because I think and feel too fucking much, all the time..but sometimes, it's just so difficult to get rid of, you know?
Also, I think the whole mess with grandpa is eating me more than I let on. It's not like I go around feeling bad that he's gonna die, because I'm rather okay with the fact that none of us will survive life.
I think it's more the fact that it's so stressful, right now, you know? My mom's a mess and completely stressed out, driving to see him every day, because she wants to be there, when it happens, even if I tell her that they will call us if there's any change.
I know, it'll be messy once he's gone, setting up the funeral and all that and I know that my mom's gonna need my support and that I'll give it to her.
I don't even think I'll cry when he's gone, simply because he's in so much agony right now, I know it'll be a release for him to let go of life, not to mention the fact that I've never been close to him...not even as a kid and he spend so many years of his life, being this nasty and mean man that I really didn't want to be around.
I'm trying to keep it real, but I think it's actually stressing me out a lot more than I thought it would.

Anyway, today I have work and mom's letting me borrow the car, so I don't have to leave early and come home late, so I'm happy about that.
When I go home tomorrow night, I'll have 12 days off and I'll actually have some real life things to do, which I think will be good for me.
It'll probably mean that there will be days, where I won't get on MSN...which is not necessarily a bad thing...but I'll reply to my RPGs, as much as I can. I can't just ignore those, lol.

Ramble.

So I was feeling pretty weird last night. On one hand, I really didn't feel like being online and I was not very talkative, to say the least, but on the other; I was feeling needy and unloved.
I was such a mess that when Nat left to meet Isaac for the first time, I almost wanted to cry.
I'm so lame, man. I barely spoke to her, all night and then she leaves and I'm a mess; feeling abandoned and alone.
Again, I was having the whole this-is-how-I-think-and-feel-and-you-should-too attitude and it really does piss me off.
Again, I was unenthusiastic and a bitch, when she told me that Eli had her baby, it was a boy and he'd be named Isaac.
Why is it that I do that? Why is it that when I'm feeling weird/like crap, I can't even be happy or excited for other people? And especially Nat, who means so much to me.
No one's asking me to jump up and down, clapping my hands over Eli and Isaac because I don't know them, but a little more than 'cool' would really be awesome.

I know why I was feeling like that and it's something that I constantly try to get rid of. Sometimes, it works and sometimes, like last night, it doesn't.
I can't help the way I feel, but I swear that I try to minimize it or at least hide it, because it's really not cool, at all.
I try to tell myself that I shouldn't feel like that, because I really do not have any right to and it -has- gotten better...a lot better, actually. But sometimes, it just overwhelms me and I can't help myself.

So yeah..that was last night...now, it's a new day and even though I'm not feeling 100%, just yet...I got my period and I have a staff meeting that I really don't feel like going to...I'm gonna be in a better mood, today, simply because it's too fucking draining to feel like I did, last night.
So...on to charging my iPod and shower, because I have to get on the bus in two hours.

Dream

I dreamt that I was visiting Nat. For some reason, she didn't pick me up at the airport (which seemed more like a train station, actually) and I tried calling her, as I walked down some street.
She didn't pick up (she really hearts me, huh? lol), but before I knew it, there was her house, like a 5 minute walk from the airport/station thing.
I knocked and when she opened the door, we hugged while she apologized for not picking me up.
Apparently, I wasn't going to stay that long and the only thing I remember from being there, was some random guy, who was annoying the shit out of me, because I was there to visit my friend and he was in the way, all the time, lol.
For some reason, I remember us putting on mascara (?) and then suddenly (it felt like it was just the next day) it was time for me to go home.
I don't know why, but Nat didn't even say goodbye. She was locked up in her room, when I left and I couldn't get her to come out and see me off, so I made the short walk back to the airport/station thing and went home.
Not really a good visit, at all, if I'm honest, lol. The only good thing was that her house was small and there were no parental units of any kind. But man, that guy annoyed the crap outta me, lol!
I don't know how long I was there for, but it seemed like it was less than 24 hours, which sucked in itself.

...yes, I have weird dreams, lol.

Ohhh the drama of it all!

Our sewers are fixed! How fucking great is that? We only need to do some cement thing and we're DONE!
Of course, then there's the bill and that's probably gonna be scary as fuck, but at least we have no more rats.

I've been sick since tuesday. My back got fucked up when I was helping Frank dig out for the sewer.
It turns out it's my sciatias that's fucked and now I'm seeing a physical therapist, doing exercises and whatnot.
I have a course on wednesday, thursday and friday (during the day from like 9am til 3pm) and I'm hoping that I'll be able to go to that because it's really a good, good thing, so I can stop making all those wrong movements.

I still need to talk to Kate about when she'll be in London, so I can try and see if I can fly over to meet her.
I can't believe that she's been my online friend for around 8 years. It's a little bit crazy.

Which actually brings me to something funny that happened last night. Only proves to me that people care way too much about the whole online thing.
Talinda was tweeting some of her flaky shit about people not being as nice as they claim or whatever and I said 'Oh please spare me the pocket psychology' or something like that.
...and Trixi went off. I was like...what the fuck? I wasn't talking about you! The world does NOT revolve around you, for crying out loud!
Anyway, I decided to unfollow her because I've been sick of her 'OMG, Chester Bennington is SOOOOOO fucking awesome and beautiful and smart and talented! TEAM BENNINGTON!!! YAY!!! Ryan Shuck is like THE most beautiful and smart man on the face of the fucking planet!! And Amir is like sooooo amazing and I just wanna fucking die over him!!' kinda tweets for a while now.
Then she went on rambling about how she doesn't care that I unfollow her (which is complete bullshit, because if she didn't, she wouldn't even have confronted me about it) but that I should've been honest with her and told her that her tweets were pissing me off.
Sure, darling. 'Yes, could you please stop being such a fucking annoying fangirl, because it's doing my head in.'
Don't think so, right? I have no right to ask people to stop tweeting this or that and nor would I want to.
I'd go ballistic if someone told me something like that and tell them to fuck off, if they don't like it, so I'd never do something like that.
But she kept on rambling about how I should've been honest with her and then I was.
God, it went on and on and I was just yawning through the whole thing and chuckling every now and then, too, if I'm honest.
I don't get why people get so worked up over something like that, man. It's just a name on a screen and it just...shouldn't matter.
Then later on, one of her so called friends (who's 34, married with kids, by the way and should have more important things going on than some lame drama on Twitter) freaked out because I blocked her.
I never spoke with her. She followed me and I blocked her, because I didn't want her to.
It's my prerogative to block or unfollow anyone I please and everyone else has the same prerogative.
And all of this...because I commented on Talinda's tweet, lol.
But yeah, it was amusing, while it lasted but now...we move on. To me, this is over and done with and it really wasn't life-altering in any way.

Today..I ought to go in and sell bottles and stuff, but it's saturday and people are fucking crazy on saturday mornings, when shopping.
Yeah, think I'm gonna do that on monday when I go see grandpa, anyway.
I have some laundry to take care of and I might just dye my hair, simply because I'm getting dark roots and I hate that.
I think I wanna change my layout, too. This pink, girly shit is pissing me off and I need to change it.
And now...I'm hungry and better get out of bed, I guess.

Random stuff.

So the past week has been rough. Like I said in my previous post, Pierre was put down last monday.
That week was horrible, to be honest. I decided to buy cigarettes, after I left the vet, which was a huge mistake, I might add.
Tuesday went alright. I smoked the last around 10am and didn't smoke for the rest of that day.
Then came wednesday and work. Man, I felt so horrible and just wanted to hide under my covers, so I bought cigarettes when I went to work.
I've pretty much been smoking since and I'm actually hating myself for it, because I had gone almost 3 months without it and the first pack I smoked tasted horribly.
Right now, I'm not making myself any promises because I will hate myself even more, if I don't keep them.
I'm going to work in a few hours and all I know, is that I won't be bringing my cigarettes to work, with me.
And I also know that I'll quit again, and before I go to the states, too.
I really have no excuse, but only the explanation that I was feeling horrible and decided to smoke because I felt sorry for myself. Lame, definitely, but nevertheless the only explanation, I've got.
My co-workers keep telling me that I shouldn't be so apologetic about smoking again, because I'm an adult and that it's my decision and I know they're right, but that doesn't make me feel any less as a failure.
But yeah, as of today, I won't be smoking at work and the rest....well, I'll see what happens and keep you updated.
I still miss my dog, but at least it's not as bad as it was last week, so that's a good thing.
And I'm starting to see the positive things about not having a dog.....as cold as that makes me sound.

On a different, but lighter note....Nat went back to Memphis, yesterday which meant, from a very selfish point of view... that I had to be on my computer without her for an entire day.
We texted each other like crazy, the entire day and that will probably cost me a fucking fortune, but that's just too bad.
Next month will be horrible, anyway, money-wise because of the huge vet-bill.
But yeah, like last year, I felt like Nat was returning home to me, which I know is complete bullshit, because d'uh, she's in Memphis and not Denmark.
But yeah, for some reason, I always feel extremely mushy when she's traveling and I'm sure that I sometimes make her wanna vomit, a little, lol.

Other than that, I've started talking to a guy from a dating site. Lol, I'm so weird. He's nice and all, but he's not a potential anything, except for friend, for now.
He's been single for 7 years and I have been for 8, so we've decided that we're not gonna talk as if we're going to date or anything, because we really don't know if we will.
We talk via texts and on MSN, but it's not something that happens every single day and that suits me fine, because the last thing I need is some clingy guy who thinks I'm his true love after 5 texts and two talks on MSN.
Also, I've already told him about my plans of going to see Nat, next year, so even if something should happen, he'll know that in advance, because I'm not canceling that trip for some random guy.
But it's cool, because he travels a lot, as well and is planning to go to Australia some time, next year, so that's pretty cool.
So yeah, things seem to be working out alright for me, right now, well apart from the smoking.

And I postponed updating because I didn't think that I had anything to say, lol.

The suckiest day in a long time.

So yesterday pretty much sucked beyond belief.
Pierre was put down.
A couple of years ago, he was bitten half to death by the dog next door - a golden retriever and he sustained massive injury to his left hind leg, had a bunch of stitches and was pretty much a mess for a long time.
He seemed to recover, however and the vet said that he'd probably just have issues with big dogs, which he did.
That, however, was something I chose that he could live with, as long as he wouldn't have any other mental or physical issues, which the vet didn't think he would.
For the longest time, he seemed fine. Yeah, when he'd been out for a long walk, his leg would be sore, but it wasn't too bad, and he would still be all crazed, if you threw a ball for him to fetch.
But all that changed like.... 3 months ago, or so. Suddenly, he stopped bringing me his toys so I could throw them, he'd start limping when he'd been for a long walk and he'd randomly scream and whine, if he made a wrong move with his left hind leg.
For a while, I figured that he was just being a bit hysterical. He's always been the kind of dog that would seek your sympathy and enjoy the attention.
But finally, it started worrying me so much that I called and made an appointment at the vet's.
He took a look at him and noticed that Pierre's left leg was a bit more stiff, but that it seemed alright, other than that.
He made a test and Pierre seemed to be a little numb around his spine, near the leg, but the vet didn't think it was anything to be worried about, though I got very worried when I saw him not reacting to the needle to his skin in that area.
The vet was very serious when telling me that he would give him a couple of shots with various medicines and then I'd get some antibiotics for him. If that didn't help, he informed, we'd have to try something else and if -that- didn't work, we should probably start considering what type of life, Pierre was having (I knew what that meant).
I told him that in that case, there'd be no discussion because I refuse to have my dog suffer, just because it'll hurt me to put him down and I refuse to have a dog that needs to have medicine every single day for the rest of his life, just to make it bearable for him.
We tried the two different drugs and it worked while Pierre was getting them, however two days after he'd stopped, it be back to the same again and it was killing me to see my otherwise so annoyingly active dog lay around, looking like 'please don't step on me, please!'.
Last saturday, his girlfriend came to see him and they normally spaz around, playing like the little crazed dogs that they were, but Pierre didn't want to play and Fie seemed to accept that.
They just walked around, nuzzling and kissing each other and Pierre was completely drained for two days, after she'd been here.
Yesterday, he was even less active and didn't even bother barking at the mailman, which was seriously concerning because he usually prided himself in barking at the mailman for as long as he could possibly see him and at that point I knew I was making the right choice.
I had called the vet on friday and my intention was to just discuss Pierre's life and condition with him and make a decision based on that, but when I saw my lovely puppy yesterday, my mind was made up.
It was time for my puppy to leave this earth and I had to make that decision for him, because he couldn't do it himself.
When I got to the vet's office, he took one look at me and nodded, after which we talked a little back and forth and he told me that if I hadn't mentioned it, he would have and that I was making the right decision for my puppy.
I took Pierre in my arms (he was a Papillon, so not that big, lol) and the vet injected him with a sedative and left the room.
It took around five minutes for my puppy to fall asleep and after a little more than that, he was completely unconscious.
I, of course, was bawling my eyes out in his fur - not because I felt bad for him because in my heart I knew I was doing the right thing for him, but it just hurts to pretty much kill your best friend and to think that you'll never see him race across the grass again.
The vet returned to the room and he injected the lethal fluids into my puppy and after only a few seconds, it was over. My puppy was at peace, again.
Even now, as I'm writing this, I have tears coming down my face, which proves to me that I'm not completely cold-hearted (although some seem to think so).
The first thing I did, when I left the vet's office, was buy myself a pack of cigarettes. I hadn't smoked for 3 months, but at that moment I just had to smoke.
I swore to myself that it was just that pack and that I wouldn't smoke more than that and I haven't.
Every single one of those cigarettes tasted horribly and it felt completely wrong to have a cigarette between my lips again, so I can assure you that I will not go back to smoking on a regular basis.
I smoked the last one in the pack around 10am (it's now 6pm) today and I haven't had any problems with not smoking since.
I suppose you can say that it was a minor glitch, but I don't feel guilty for smoking those cigarettes, because it was a conscious decision and it was what I needed at the time, just like the two beers I had with my stepdad yesterday afternoon.

I miss my puppy horribly and I know I will for a long time to come, but hopefully my random bursting out into tears thing won't go on for much longer, because it's just annoying.
I have work tomorrow and I really don't want to be working the entire weekend. I pretty much just want to curl up and hide, but I know that with the kind of mentality I have, it'll be good for me not to be able to do that.
I was a mess yesterday, but I wanna thank the following for their kind words and support:
Nat (you're my rock, baby. what else can I say? I love you.)
ShireRock
ACDalgaard
tensh_iie
Kate (thank you for that lovely poem. made me bawl, but it was cute)
AngCummings
live4live
Jen
freaksoldier
ALH30
You're all amazing and I <3 you.

Various thoughts.

So I think I kind of lost my way with my new attitude, the last few days and it's very annoying.
I know, I've had this attitude for 33 years and I can't change it over night, just like my best friend can't just start throwing the truth in my face, over night, because it's simply not something she's been used to for a long time.

*pause*
And that sounds like my best friend's a liar who's incapable of telling the truth. That is not true!
By 'the truth', I simply mean that I've broken her trust in a way and it'll take some time to get that back and have her tell me when I'm being annoying or paranoid or whatever, not to mention having her tell me random facts about her life.
I do hope to get it back, though.

I did get some of that today, though and it made me smile. It was pretty much her venting about something that bothered her, but it made me feel honored that she chose me to vent to, especially because I've been such a bitch with other things. I just hope that I handled it better than I have before. That my reaction wasn't one that would make her not tell me things, again. Truth is... I care. Too much, sometimes and I get overly excited or angry at her behalf and my reactions are... well, intense for lack of a better term.

Lately, I've been oversensitive and even though one of my other friends says that I should just bring it up and talk about it, it's very difficult for me to do that, which is why I put it in here.
And yes, I realize that people might want to slap me across the face for talking about stuff that involves them, in here and they should, if they feel like it. But I used to censor myself on LJ and I refuse to do that, on here.
I try very hard not to mention any names, in certain cases, just so I won't show the world, who I'm talking about, but I need to let things out and often, it's just a matter of getting my thoughts out of my head and it's pretty much over.
Now, if you find that I talk about you.... or you think that I talk about you, here, feel free to confront me about it in one way or another, if you feel like we need to talk about things.

There, needed to get that out.

Now my good thing today was buying three pairs of new shoes, with tiny heels on them.... like 2-3cm.
I'm 33 years old and I've tried wearing heels before, but obviously I've chosen them too high, when I wasn't used to walking in heels, so this is my attempt to get used to wearing heels and maybe I'll be able to wear 5 or 6cm, at some point.
So yeah, gonna wrap my feet and toes up in band-aids and walk in these shoes until they stop hurting my feet, lol.

My good thing today was visiting grandpa, who has now been told that he definitely has liver cancer, at least.
They believe that he's got more than that, possibly in the gall bladder or the pancreas (thank god for online dictionaries, man.....which I only remembered now, lol.) and they just need to find that.
He doesn't want chemo or any other treatment and I have to respect him for that.
The man's 80 and has never been in the hospital before, since he was born, so he figured that that's pretty good.

Right now, I was just telling Nat that I needed sleep, but before I could say goodnight, msn logged me off. Just like that! Bitch! I guess it just went 'yes, you need sleep. let me help you with that. *logs off*' and didn't tell me about it.
So, of course I logged back on and said a proper good night. Can't very well leave without it, especially not since I've had such an emotional day.

Night y'all.