When I leave work on Thursday night, I'm on vacation for 12 days. Now, of course I plan on doing nothing and write a lot, but I also have a few things that I want to do.
- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.
Now, lately it's been difficult living in my house...for me, at least. It actually got so bad that when I drove to the doctor's on Monday, I cried the whole ½ hour drive there.
I get very frustrated because the parental units have started smoking inside again. I could deal with them starting to smoke again, but it's very difficult to deal with them smoking in the house - especially because the no-smoking signs are still up on the doors, which I find to be very hypocritical.
This has caused me to permanently close my door to my hallway. I know, I can't avoid the smoke completely because that would mean that I was moving out, but at least I can make it less horrible in my own end by having the door shut at all times.
My mom's doctor also claims that she has a depression and has given her anti-depressants for it, which is good, I guess.
I just don't believe that she's got an actual depression - I think she could be on the verge of one and therefore he's given her the meds, but yeah.
Normally, people with depressions don't function very well and they're extremely tired all the time, sleeping a lot. Now, my mom has been tired since she stopped working, because she's got that lung disease but she functions alright and even has the energy to bitch at me and my step dad, whenever we don't dance to her tune and not many depressed people have the energy to do that - they just can't bring themselves to care enough.
Of course...my mom being my mom, she's very dramatic about it and it seems like she's expecting my stepdad and I to be nothing but fucking understanding and do whatever she demands.
Well, I'm sorry mother dearest, but that would mean that I was letting you stay in that state of mind and I'm not gonna do that, so I'm gonna treat you like I normally do and tell you when you're out of line - at least toward me.
What my stepdad does, is his business but I have a feeling that he'll explode at some point, too because she really is rather demanding and expects him to just do whatever she wants.
Can you tell that I'm annoyed with my mom, lately? Lol. I know, it's probably not -that- bad, but I'm just extremely annoyed these days (pms also playing a part, I think) and that colors my view on everything, too, of course.
I've been on two dates with Nick and he seems like a nice guy. I think the problem is that I've been single for so very long that I just don't know how to trust guys, anymore.
Of course, there's also the issue with my girl which is causing me to feel EXTREMELY guilty, whenever I see Nick.
Part of me goes 'yeah, but she's in Memphis and you are here - you need to do something for yourself and your life here and she knows this', but the other part of me is like 'yeah, but you love her and you wanna go see her...are you sure you should be doing this?'.
It's very frustrating and even though I've tried talking to my mom about the whole Nick situation, it's just not working because she's so caught up in herself, she can barely pretend to care, when I mention anything about it....which hurts, too.
I have a gut feeling that Nick could be good for me...if I could just let my guard down, which I can't seem to do.
I mean, we've only been on two dates which is nothing and certainly not enough to say that you know someone and I've had to tell him to back the fuck off a little, because he was very 'oh, I would like to kiss you or hold your hand' and I was like 'get away from me, I'm not there yet!'. Then he told me that I should tell him if I wanted him as a boyfriend, to which I said that I was so far from being anywhere near that as I could be.
Seriously, I've pushed him away because I'm scared shitless of opening up, of losing my best friend and of getting hurt and hurting my best friend....and he just accepts it.
Now, part of me thinks that it's awesome and that maybe he really does like me enough to stick around and be patient...the other part of me is completely paranoid and thinks he's just being patient to use me and the second I should sleep with him (soooooo far from even considering doing that, though!) or something, he's going to hurt me.
I don't know. I think it's very difficult to be me, these days. And yes, that sounds horribly selfish and I know that I should be nicer to my mom (in general, not because of the alleged depression) and other people, but I just feel like I have so much on my mind that I can't really wrap my brain around anything else, right now.
Viser opslag med etiketten Family. Vis alle opslag
Viser opslag med etiketten Family. Vis alle opslag
onsdag, august 18, 2010
torsdag, marts 11, 2010
Daddy.
Today would've been my daddy's 65Th birthday. That means that it's been 7 years since he passed away...well, almost because he passed in June, I believe, but yeah...close enough.
My dad was a very strange man that I, unfortunately, have inherited a lot from. We're both really good at hiding our emotions, even though I have a lot more temper than he did and I tend to blow up whereas he just removed himself from the conflict.
My entire childhood he was more like a lamp than an actual dad; he never really helped raise me and we were not very close at all.
He wasn't really a good husband to my mother (I know, it's a two-way street and she wasn't a good wife, either) and even cheated on her on several occasions (she cheated on him, later on and got her revenge, I suppose), which only drove him and I even further apart.
After they got divorced (I was 19), my dad had a hard time keeping in contact with me and it was one-way communication for a long while because, even if I wasn't close to him, he was still my dad and I didn't want to lose contact with him.
At some point, I had to level with him, though and I told him that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to talk to me, but that if he did, he would have to initiate contact as well.
Throughout his life, our relationship was awkward. Probably because we both had a hard time sharing our emotions.
Before he passed away, however, he came to live with me because he'd had open heart surgery and I wouldn't let him stay at his apartment alone. It was from my apartment he called 911 on the day he had a blood clot in his heart.
He was on my couch, dying when he called 911.
The last time I talked to my father, we fought. We fought because he was in more pain than anyone could imagine and he hurt my feelings. I cried and yelled at him, before I left.
A couple of hours later, the hospital called me and told me to come immediately.
He died the next morning at 3.55am.
I've worked through everything and I don't blame myself for fighting with him that morning and I know that our fight didn't have anything to do with him dying. He would've died anyway.
But today, I've spend a lot of time, thinking about my daddy. Not with regret but more with the reality of what we had.
We didn't have the ideal father/daughter relationship - not by a long shot, but it wasn't just his fault. We were both responsible for that.
I wonder what would've happened if I had just randomly hugged him.
I can't change the fact that I never did, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that I had.
I love you, daddy and I miss you every day.
My dad was a very strange man that I, unfortunately, have inherited a lot from. We're both really good at hiding our emotions, even though I have a lot more temper than he did and I tend to blow up whereas he just removed himself from the conflict.
My entire childhood he was more like a lamp than an actual dad; he never really helped raise me and we were not very close at all.
He wasn't really a good husband to my mother (I know, it's a two-way street and she wasn't a good wife, either) and even cheated on her on several occasions (she cheated on him, later on and got her revenge, I suppose), which only drove him and I even further apart.
After they got divorced (I was 19), my dad had a hard time keeping in contact with me and it was one-way communication for a long while because, even if I wasn't close to him, he was still my dad and I didn't want to lose contact with him.
At some point, I had to level with him, though and I told him that if he didn't want to, he didn't have to talk to me, but that if he did, he would have to initiate contact as well.
Throughout his life, our relationship was awkward. Probably because we both had a hard time sharing our emotions.
Before he passed away, however, he came to live with me because he'd had open heart surgery and I wouldn't let him stay at his apartment alone. It was from my apartment he called 911 on the day he had a blood clot in his heart.
He was on my couch, dying when he called 911.
The last time I talked to my father, we fought. We fought because he was in more pain than anyone could imagine and he hurt my feelings. I cried and yelled at him, before I left.
A couple of hours later, the hospital called me and told me to come immediately.
He died the next morning at 3.55am.
I've worked through everything and I don't blame myself for fighting with him that morning and I know that our fight didn't have anything to do with him dying. He would've died anyway.
But today, I've spend a lot of time, thinking about my daddy. Not with regret but more with the reality of what we had.
We didn't have the ideal father/daughter relationship - not by a long shot, but it wasn't just his fault. We were both responsible for that.
I wonder what would've happened if I had just randomly hugged him.
I can't change the fact that I never did, but that doesn't mean that I don't wish that I had.
I love you, daddy and I miss you every day.
onsdag, februar 24, 2010
Bitching
So I’m very annoyed these days. My mom is annoying the crap out of me with all her illness and shit, man.
Yeah, she was told that she needs a new hip. I get that, that’s fair enough and I know she’s in pain and has been for a long time, now. But suddenly, after she was told that she needs a new hip….the pain is soooooo much worse and almost unbearable? I know it hurts, but come on. It can’t magically become worse after five minutes of talking to your doctor.
I don’t know. I work as a social health care worker and to be honest, I get enough illness when I’m at work and I’m just sick of hearing about people and whatever illnesses they have. I don’t need it when I get home and I don’t need people to ramble on and on.
Yeah, I talk about it, too, if I have some sort of disorder or sickness. Whatever…but my mom pretty much makes it into a contest or so it feels and it drives me up the walls.
I can’t wait to get my own place and then I don’t have to feel like I’m at work all the time. Enough with the sick people, already! Find something else to focus on, man!
And yes, this also means that I have a couple of people on Twitter that are driving me mad. Not because of their rambling about illnesses or anything like that, but because of their endless hyper moods, man and their excessive tweeting about Mike Shinoda and how awesome he is.
Yes, thank you. We are fans too and we know how awesome the man is. Doesn’t mean that we have the need to randomly tweet his name all the time.
It -is- possible to be a fan without going on and on about whomever you’re a fan of, you know.
Okay, one of these people, I actually have no trouble un-following because we don’t really talk or whatever…and I don’t really care about her, to be honest and I know that she doesn‘t care about me, even if she‘ll deny it in the name of being nice and oh-so-fucking-positive.
But the other one…even if we’re not close friends…I do consider her a friend…or acquaintance, at least and she’s actually a sweet girl who never did anything to me….except from being insanely hyper and overly obsessed with Mike Shinoda.
Knowing me, I’ll probably end up getting so annoyed that I’ll un-follow both of them and I know that’s okay. I have no problem with people un-following me or anything, but it just kind of sucks when you’ve enjoyed following someone for a while and then that just stops.
And I lost someone, I thought was a friend, today. Brian. I don’t know why I thought he was a friend, though. He’s always been sarcastic and semi-nasty to me ever since I got on SOY. I guess, he and Kerrie are more perfect for each other than I originally thought, huh?
Anyway, we were having an amusing discussion about movies today and trust me…we do not like the same movies -at all-, but it was all fun and games.
He was making some comment about me liking Transformers so I shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on movies in the first place and it was all fun and games. I commented on Donnie Darko, which I hate and this Bobby person made some comment about holding his tongue so he wouldn’t comment on that and everything just escalated from there, ending up with Brian saying that I deleted him from my Facebook (which I did, yes) and if the others had anyone seen anyone be that sensitive about Transformers.
Yes, I know that was just Brian being Brian again, but seriously…it just fucking hurt. And like I said to Brian on Twitter a few minutes ago; it may not have meant anything to me tomorrow, but today it hurt.
I’ve always liked Brian a lot. Maybe more than I should have, even, but his inability to be serious…or maybe my inability to tell when he’s serious and when he’s not, has always been difficult for me. And I’ve always despised him when he was busy ‘being cute’ or whatthefuckever they wanted to call it, with Kerrie.
Today, I just had enough. Yeah, he and Bobby may not have meant it in a bad way or tried to hurt my feelings, but the fact that they continued to mock me after I removed myself from the discussion only makes me think that he’s lying through his teeth when he says they weren’t being malicious.
Maybe his interpretation of ‘malicious’ and mine just aren’t the same, huh?
Yeah, she was told that she needs a new hip. I get that, that’s fair enough and I know she’s in pain and has been for a long time, now. But suddenly, after she was told that she needs a new hip….the pain is soooooo much worse and almost unbearable? I know it hurts, but come on. It can’t magically become worse after five minutes of talking to your doctor.
I don’t know. I work as a social health care worker and to be honest, I get enough illness when I’m at work and I’m just sick of hearing about people and whatever illnesses they have. I don’t need it when I get home and I don’t need people to ramble on and on.
Yeah, I talk about it, too, if I have some sort of disorder or sickness. Whatever…but my mom pretty much makes it into a contest or so it feels and it drives me up the walls.
I can’t wait to get my own place and then I don’t have to feel like I’m at work all the time. Enough with the sick people, already! Find something else to focus on, man!
And yes, this also means that I have a couple of people on Twitter that are driving me mad. Not because of their rambling about illnesses or anything like that, but because of their endless hyper moods, man and their excessive tweeting about Mike Shinoda and how awesome he is.
Yes, thank you. We are fans too and we know how awesome the man is. Doesn’t mean that we have the need to randomly tweet his name all the time.
It -is- possible to be a fan without going on and on about whomever you’re a fan of, you know.
Okay, one of these people, I actually have no trouble un-following because we don’t really talk or whatever…and I don’t really care about her, to be honest and I know that she doesn‘t care about me, even if she‘ll deny it in the name of being nice and oh-so-fucking-positive.
But the other one…even if we’re not close friends…I do consider her a friend…or acquaintance, at least and she’s actually a sweet girl who never did anything to me….except from being insanely hyper and overly obsessed with Mike Shinoda.
Knowing me, I’ll probably end up getting so annoyed that I’ll un-follow both of them and I know that’s okay. I have no problem with people un-following me or anything, but it just kind of sucks when you’ve enjoyed following someone for a while and then that just stops.
And I lost someone, I thought was a friend, today. Brian. I don’t know why I thought he was a friend, though. He’s always been sarcastic and semi-nasty to me ever since I got on SOY. I guess, he and Kerrie are more perfect for each other than I originally thought, huh?
Anyway, we were having an amusing discussion about movies today and trust me…we do not like the same movies -at all-, but it was all fun and games.
He was making some comment about me liking Transformers so I shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on movies in the first place and it was all fun and games. I commented on Donnie Darko, which I hate and this Bobby person made some comment about holding his tongue so he wouldn’t comment on that and everything just escalated from there, ending up with Brian saying that I deleted him from my Facebook (which I did, yes) and if the others had anyone seen anyone be that sensitive about Transformers.
Yes, I know that was just Brian being Brian again, but seriously…it just fucking hurt. And like I said to Brian on Twitter a few minutes ago; it may not have meant anything to me tomorrow, but today it hurt.
I’ve always liked Brian a lot. Maybe more than I should have, even, but his inability to be serious…or maybe my inability to tell when he’s serious and when he’s not, has always been difficult for me. And I’ve always despised him when he was busy ‘being cute’ or whatthefuckever they wanted to call it, with Kerrie.
Today, I just had enough. Yeah, he and Bobby may not have meant it in a bad way or tried to hurt my feelings, but the fact that they continued to mock me after I removed myself from the discussion only makes me think that he’s lying through his teeth when he says they weren’t being malicious.
Maybe his interpretation of ‘malicious’ and mine just aren’t the same, huh?
onsdag, november 11, 2009
Life update.
Wow, a lot has been happening and going on the last few weeks or so.
Last thursday (29th of october), my mom calls me right after I've gotten up and tells me to get to my grandpa because they all think he's gonna die real soon.
So I get dressed, call work and take the bus to meet her on the station in Frederikssund 45 minutes later and we go to Farum to see grandpa.
And man, he looks bad. His breathing is shallow and he can barely talk, but just grunt a little.
I sit there, holding his hand while the rest of the family pours in through the door and I decide that I'm gonna spend the night, which means that I sleep 3 hours because the bed I'm sleeping in, is so horrible.
On friday morning (at 6.30, after having slept since around 2 and having been up several times during those hours), grandpa looks up at me and says 'guess, it wasn't gonna happen tonight, then, huh?'.
Anyway, we go back home and figure that the nursing home will call us when they think it's time.
And they do. Sunday afternoon. My mom and Frank have just been down to see grandpa and they had just walked through the door, when they call from the nursing home.
Of course, we leave immediately and grandpa passed away at 5.17pm on sunday, November 1st, 2009.
RIP Grandpa.
On monday, I went to my checkup, which was alright and not as bad as I'd expected.
On thursday was the memorial service for grandpa and it was alright, actually. I always feel a tiny bit more Christian, when I'm at a church, all the while I'm thinking 'get me out of here, this is ridiculous'. Yes, it's a very weird thing.
Friday and saturday were pretty stressful as we had to get the house ready for my mom and Frank's anniversary on sunday. Breakfast at 8am.
That went well and we ate like pigs and had a good time, even if I was up at 7am, lol.
Monday, I went to get my H1N1 shot, part one and by now, my arm feels like someone hit me with a bat on it and it's red and swollen.
I will get the second part on the 30.
Yesterday was just...kinda blah, if I'm honest. First, I had a...thing with my co-writer, asking why she wasn't replying to our RPG and that just escalated into something..very strange.
She made me feel inconsiderate and bitchy, which she pretty much always does when we have these...things.
I think it pretty much boils down to her and I being very different people and having trouble dealing with that. At some point I just stopped replying to the letters, simply because I knew that I'd go nasty on her, if I didn't and there was no reason for that.
She's got a ton of issues and I probably do, as well and honestly, I just couldn't be bothered, anymore. This had been going on most of the day and it really did affect me a lot. Made me frustrated and hurt, so I figured it was better to just leave it.
Then later, I talked to another friend...and I have to admit that I do have a major crush on her.
She lost a good friend and even though I knew it'd be hard for me to hear about, because I've always been horribly jealous of said friend, I talked to her about it. Or listened, rather.
I was going nuts, man. My friend kept saying things that made the fucking green monster in my head think that what they had was more than friendship, even if her friend has a girlfriend, who was the cause for the break.
I kept going over conversations that I've had with my friend, where she was complaining a bit over her friend (and yes, we all do that from time to time, I know that) and it just felt like all of that were lies to make me calm down and stop being jealous. Then I felt guilty for doubting my friend, just to go right back to feeling jealous.
Seriously, I was driving myself nuts, to the point where I just wanted to cry.
But yeah, I listened...and then I went to bed, knowing that I was gonna have a hard time falling asleep, because my brain just wouldn't turn off and stop going over everything and picking it apart to find something that would justify my jealousy.
At some point, I made a comment on Twitter about it, simply to try and get it out of my brain...and a minute later, I got a text from my friend, telling me that I had nothing to worry about and stuff like that.
Made me smile again and we spend like half an hour, texting.
I know that my friend and I have talked about this 'till we turned blue in the face, man and I know that we're trying to keep it real, but somehow I think my friend is a lot better at that, than I am.
And she claims that she's got the green monster, as well but that she's just much better at hiding it. Sometimes, I wish she wasn't, you know?
I know, how it feels to lose a friend and I know it hurts and I know I have to get over myself and be a friend to her and I will.
I will listen, be a friend and try to hide the fact that I'm driving myself nuts, even if she knows anyway.
I'm still feeling a bit insecure and overthinking stuff, but I'm sure that once I get to work, I'll get my mind off things and feel better when I get home.
Truth is..I love her a lot. Yeah, I know some of it, is probably a fantasy we're having and we've talked about that, but even so..she's my best friend and it'd crush me to lose her.
Yes, I know...I'm being pessimistic, paranoid and jealous and I shouldn't. It's not like I can do anything, even if I'm meant to lose her, so I shouldn't even worry about it, unless it becomes relevant.
No matter what..it's my job to be a friend to her and I wasn't a very good one, last night. I promise, I'll do better because she's always there for me, when I need to vent and I will be there for her, as well.
I mean, *shrug* I love her...of course, I'll be there.
Late shift today, which I hate...and only two days of work. I'll be fine. I just need to get my mind off things and get over myself.
Last thursday (29th of october), my mom calls me right after I've gotten up and tells me to get to my grandpa because they all think he's gonna die real soon.
So I get dressed, call work and take the bus to meet her on the station in Frederikssund 45 minutes later and we go to Farum to see grandpa.
And man, he looks bad. His breathing is shallow and he can barely talk, but just grunt a little.
I sit there, holding his hand while the rest of the family pours in through the door and I decide that I'm gonna spend the night, which means that I sleep 3 hours because the bed I'm sleeping in, is so horrible.
On friday morning (at 6.30, after having slept since around 2 and having been up several times during those hours), grandpa looks up at me and says 'guess, it wasn't gonna happen tonight, then, huh?'.
Anyway, we go back home and figure that the nursing home will call us when they think it's time.
And they do. Sunday afternoon. My mom and Frank have just been down to see grandpa and they had just walked through the door, when they call from the nursing home.
Of course, we leave immediately and grandpa passed away at 5.17pm on sunday, November 1st, 2009.
RIP Grandpa.
On monday, I went to my checkup, which was alright and not as bad as I'd expected.
On thursday was the memorial service for grandpa and it was alright, actually. I always feel a tiny bit more Christian, when I'm at a church, all the while I'm thinking 'get me out of here, this is ridiculous'. Yes, it's a very weird thing.
Friday and saturday were pretty stressful as we had to get the house ready for my mom and Frank's anniversary on sunday. Breakfast at 8am.
That went well and we ate like pigs and had a good time, even if I was up at 7am, lol.
Monday, I went to get my H1N1 shot, part one and by now, my arm feels like someone hit me with a bat on it and it's red and swollen.
I will get the second part on the 30.
Yesterday was just...kinda blah, if I'm honest. First, I had a...thing with my co-writer, asking why she wasn't replying to our RPG and that just escalated into something..very strange.
She made me feel inconsiderate and bitchy, which she pretty much always does when we have these...things.
I think it pretty much boils down to her and I being very different people and having trouble dealing with that. At some point I just stopped replying to the letters, simply because I knew that I'd go nasty on her, if I didn't and there was no reason for that.
She's got a ton of issues and I probably do, as well and honestly, I just couldn't be bothered, anymore. This had been going on most of the day and it really did affect me a lot. Made me frustrated and hurt, so I figured it was better to just leave it.
Then later, I talked to another friend...and I have to admit that I do have a major crush on her.
She lost a good friend and even though I knew it'd be hard for me to hear about, because I've always been horribly jealous of said friend, I talked to her about it. Or listened, rather.
I was going nuts, man. My friend kept saying things that made the fucking green monster in my head think that what they had was more than friendship, even if her friend has a girlfriend, who was the cause for the break.
I kept going over conversations that I've had with my friend, where she was complaining a bit over her friend (and yes, we all do that from time to time, I know that) and it just felt like all of that were lies to make me calm down and stop being jealous. Then I felt guilty for doubting my friend, just to go right back to feeling jealous.
Seriously, I was driving myself nuts, to the point where I just wanted to cry.
But yeah, I listened...and then I went to bed, knowing that I was gonna have a hard time falling asleep, because my brain just wouldn't turn off and stop going over everything and picking it apart to find something that would justify my jealousy.
At some point, I made a comment on Twitter about it, simply to try and get it out of my brain...and a minute later, I got a text from my friend, telling me that I had nothing to worry about and stuff like that.
Made me smile again and we spend like half an hour, texting.
I know that my friend and I have talked about this 'till we turned blue in the face, man and I know that we're trying to keep it real, but somehow I think my friend is a lot better at that, than I am.
And she claims that she's got the green monster, as well but that she's just much better at hiding it. Sometimes, I wish she wasn't, you know?
I know, how it feels to lose a friend and I know it hurts and I know I have to get over myself and be a friend to her and I will.
I will listen, be a friend and try to hide the fact that I'm driving myself nuts, even if she knows anyway.
I'm still feeling a bit insecure and overthinking stuff, but I'm sure that once I get to work, I'll get my mind off things and feel better when I get home.
Truth is..I love her a lot. Yeah, I know some of it, is probably a fantasy we're having and we've talked about that, but even so..she's my best friend and it'd crush me to lose her.
Yes, I know...I'm being pessimistic, paranoid and jealous and I shouldn't. It's not like I can do anything, even if I'm meant to lose her, so I shouldn't even worry about it, unless it becomes relevant.
No matter what..it's my job to be a friend to her and I wasn't a very good one, last night. I promise, I'll do better because she's always there for me, when I need to vent and I will be there for her, as well.
I mean, *shrug* I love her...of course, I'll be there.
Late shift today, which I hate...and only two days of work. I'll be fine. I just need to get my mind off things and get over myself.
onsdag, oktober 28, 2009
Pouring shit out.
I'm feeling a lot, these days. Mostly negative stuff, if I'm honest.
I feel insanely jealous of the tiniest things, I feel inferior to my friends, I feel like I should leave LPV (not that I ever could!) because I'm not really doing any good on there, anyway and Nat's the one doing everything, coming up with new ideas and writing long-assed fanfics with people.
I feel infuriated towards people who hasn't done anything to me and don't deserve my anger and I feel annoyed that I can't write anything remotely interesting.
And then there's another part of me that's like 'Pfft! You're too fucking old for this bullshit! You shouldn't give a flying fuck about long-assed fanfictions or who's writing with who or who writes what in their replies to threads on the board. And you certainly shouldn't give a fuck about fanfiction! It's not like you're that into the band, these days, anyway. You're acting like a fucking teenager and it's ridiculous!'.
And I know, it's true. I'm 33 fucking years old and should have better things to do with my time than worry about fanfiction or which teenager is annoying the crap out of me, today.
Don't get me wrong; I love my RPGs so much and I would never turn my back on them or the people I'm writing with.
But sometimes, it just seems ridiculous, you know?
According to 'standard', I should be out looking for a man to marry (*gag*) or a boyfriend, at least. The problem is...yeah, I miss having a boyfriend, sometimes....someone to cuddle up with on the couch, someone to go to the fucking zoo with or some other ridiculously romantic bullshit, like it...but on the other hand, I really can't be bothered, you know?
Getting to know someone...that takes a war...and figuring out if you're in love or not..and knowing me, I'd probably scare them off within a couple of weeks...and it just seems like too much of an effort.
I don't want to open up to someone new. I feel too much and I feel like I'm too fucking complicated, needy and annoying for anyone to actually -want- to get to know me.
I wish that someone would just walk in and blow my mind, you know? Tell me that they see through all the bullshit and tough talking and know that I'm a fucking mess...that I'm fucking scared and frustrated and that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. That everyone feels like that, sometimes. That everyone feels needy and clingy and fucking insecure about every little thing, sometimes and that it's okay.
I know the real world doesn't work like that, though and I know that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen.
On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone, just to feel normal or complete, you know?
And I want to get out of this fucking fantasy I have in my head, too! Some days, I'm okay and know...this is imaginary, most likely and we're just friends and I have no issues.
Other days...most days, actually...I feel extremely possessive and needy, wanting nothing more than to be told what I need to hear...that I'm loved and that I'm....well, the only one, for lack of a better term..and then when I don't get that...I go pissy and bitchy, even if I know that I can't expect people to fucking read my mind.
Sometimes, I try to pull back and be a little distant, simply to protect myself...but then something cute happens and I'm sucked right back into the whole mess.
And yeah, I know that the mess is in my head because I think and feel too fucking much, all the time..but sometimes, it's just so difficult to get rid of, you know?
Also, I think the whole mess with grandpa is eating me more than I let on. It's not like I go around feeling bad that he's gonna die, because I'm rather okay with the fact that none of us will survive life.
I think it's more the fact that it's so stressful, right now, you know? My mom's a mess and completely stressed out, driving to see him every day, because she wants to be there, when it happens, even if I tell her that they will call us if there's any change.
I know, it'll be messy once he's gone, setting up the funeral and all that and I know that my mom's gonna need my support and that I'll give it to her.
I don't even think I'll cry when he's gone, simply because he's in so much agony right now, I know it'll be a release for him to let go of life, not to mention the fact that I've never been close to him...not even as a kid and he spend so many years of his life, being this nasty and mean man that I really didn't want to be around.
I'm trying to keep it real, but I think it's actually stressing me out a lot more than I thought it would.
Anyway, today I have work and mom's letting me borrow the car, so I don't have to leave early and come home late, so I'm happy about that.
When I go home tomorrow night, I'll have 12 days off and I'll actually have some real life things to do, which I think will be good for me.
It'll probably mean that there will be days, where I won't get on MSN...which is not necessarily a bad thing...but I'll reply to my RPGs, as much as I can. I can't just ignore those, lol.
I feel insanely jealous of the tiniest things, I feel inferior to my friends, I feel like I should leave LPV (not that I ever could!) because I'm not really doing any good on there, anyway and Nat's the one doing everything, coming up with new ideas and writing long-assed fanfics with people.
I feel infuriated towards people who hasn't done anything to me and don't deserve my anger and I feel annoyed that I can't write anything remotely interesting.
And then there's another part of me that's like 'Pfft! You're too fucking old for this bullshit! You shouldn't give a flying fuck about long-assed fanfictions or who's writing with who or who writes what in their replies to threads on the board. And you certainly shouldn't give a fuck about fanfiction! It's not like you're that into the band, these days, anyway. You're acting like a fucking teenager and it's ridiculous!'.
And I know, it's true. I'm 33 fucking years old and should have better things to do with my time than worry about fanfiction or which teenager is annoying the crap out of me, today.
Don't get me wrong; I love my RPGs so much and I would never turn my back on them or the people I'm writing with.
But sometimes, it just seems ridiculous, you know?
According to 'standard', I should be out looking for a man to marry (*gag*) or a boyfriend, at least. The problem is...yeah, I miss having a boyfriend, sometimes....someone to cuddle up with on the couch, someone to go to the fucking zoo with or some other ridiculously romantic bullshit, like it...but on the other hand, I really can't be bothered, you know?
Getting to know someone...that takes a war...and figuring out if you're in love or not..and knowing me, I'd probably scare them off within a couple of weeks...and it just seems like too much of an effort.
I don't want to open up to someone new. I feel too much and I feel like I'm too fucking complicated, needy and annoying for anyone to actually -want- to get to know me.
I wish that someone would just walk in and blow my mind, you know? Tell me that they see through all the bullshit and tough talking and know that I'm a fucking mess...that I'm fucking scared and frustrated and that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. That everyone feels like that, sometimes. That everyone feels needy and clingy and fucking insecure about every little thing, sometimes and that it's okay.
I know the real world doesn't work like that, though and I know that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen.
On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone, just to feel normal or complete, you know?
And I want to get out of this fucking fantasy I have in my head, too! Some days, I'm okay and know...this is imaginary, most likely and we're just friends and I have no issues.
Other days...most days, actually...I feel extremely possessive and needy, wanting nothing more than to be told what I need to hear...that I'm loved and that I'm....well, the only one, for lack of a better term..and then when I don't get that...I go pissy and bitchy, even if I know that I can't expect people to fucking read my mind.
Sometimes, I try to pull back and be a little distant, simply to protect myself...but then something cute happens and I'm sucked right back into the whole mess.
And yeah, I know that the mess is in my head because I think and feel too fucking much, all the time..but sometimes, it's just so difficult to get rid of, you know?
Also, I think the whole mess with grandpa is eating me more than I let on. It's not like I go around feeling bad that he's gonna die, because I'm rather okay with the fact that none of us will survive life.
I think it's more the fact that it's so stressful, right now, you know? My mom's a mess and completely stressed out, driving to see him every day, because she wants to be there, when it happens, even if I tell her that they will call us if there's any change.
I know, it'll be messy once he's gone, setting up the funeral and all that and I know that my mom's gonna need my support and that I'll give it to her.
I don't even think I'll cry when he's gone, simply because he's in so much agony right now, I know it'll be a release for him to let go of life, not to mention the fact that I've never been close to him...not even as a kid and he spend so many years of his life, being this nasty and mean man that I really didn't want to be around.
I'm trying to keep it real, but I think it's actually stressing me out a lot more than I thought it would.
Anyway, today I have work and mom's letting me borrow the car, so I don't have to leave early and come home late, so I'm happy about that.
When I go home tomorrow night, I'll have 12 days off and I'll actually have some real life things to do, which I think will be good for me.
It'll probably mean that there will be days, where I won't get on MSN...which is not necessarily a bad thing...but I'll reply to my RPGs, as much as I can. I can't just ignore those, lol.
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