Smoking, dating, depression, guilt and doubts.

When I leave work on Thursday night, I'm on vacation for 12 days. Now, of course I plan on doing nothing and write a lot, but I also have a few things that I want to do.

- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.

Now, lately it's been difficult living in my house...for me, at least. It actually got so bad that when I drove to the doctor's on Monday, I cried the whole ½ hour drive there.
I get very frustrated because the parental units have started smoking inside again. I could deal with them starting to smoke again, but it's very difficult to deal with them smoking in the house - especially because the no-smoking signs are still up on the doors, which I find to be very hypocritical.
This has caused me to permanently close my door to my hallway. I know, I can't avoid the smoke completely because that would mean that I was moving out, but at least I can make it less horrible in my own end by having the door shut at all times.
My mom's doctor also claims that she has a depression and has given her anti-depressants for it, which is good, I guess.
I just don't believe that she's got an actual depression - I think she could be on the verge of one and therefore he's given her the meds, but yeah.
Normally, people with depressions don't function very well and they're extremely tired all the time, sleeping a lot. Now, my mom has been tired since she stopped working, because she's got that lung disease but she functions alright and even has the energy to bitch at me and my step dad, whenever we don't dance to her tune and not many depressed people have the energy to do that - they just can't bring themselves to care enough.
Of course...my mom being my mom, she's very dramatic about it and it seems like she's expecting my stepdad and I to be nothing but fucking understanding and do whatever she demands.
Well, I'm sorry mother dearest, but that would mean that I was letting you stay in that state of mind and I'm not gonna do that, so I'm gonna treat you like I normally do and tell you when you're out of line - at least toward me.
What my stepdad does, is his business but I have a feeling that he'll explode at some point, too because she really is rather demanding and expects him to just do whatever she wants.

Can you tell that I'm annoyed with my mom, lately? Lol. I know, it's probably not -that- bad, but I'm just extremely annoyed these days (pms also playing a part, I think) and that colors my view on everything, too, of course.

I've been on two dates with Nick and he seems like a nice guy. I think the problem is that I've been single for so very long that I just don't know how to trust guys, anymore.
Of course, there's also the issue with my girl which is causing me to feel EXTREMELY guilty, whenever I see Nick.
Part of me goes 'yeah, but she's in Memphis and you are here - you need to do something for yourself and your life here and she knows this', but the other part of me is like 'yeah, but you love her and you wanna go see her...are you sure you should be doing this?'.
It's very frustrating and even though I've tried talking to my mom about the whole Nick situation, it's just not working because she's so caught up in herself, she can barely pretend to care, when I mention anything about it....which hurts, too.
I have a gut feeling that Nick could be good for me...if I could just let my guard down, which I can't seem to do.
I mean, we've only been on two dates which is nothing and certainly not enough to say that you know someone and I've had to tell him to back the fuck off a little, because he was very 'oh, I would like to kiss you or hold your hand' and I was like 'get away from me, I'm not there yet!'. Then he told me that I should tell him if I wanted him as a boyfriend, to which I said that I was so far from being anywhere near that as I could be.
Seriously, I've pushed him away because I'm scared shitless of opening up, of losing my best friend and of getting hurt and hurting my best friend....and he just accepts it.
Now, part of me thinks that it's awesome and that maybe he really does like me enough to stick around and be patient...the other part of me is completely paranoid and thinks he's just being patient to use me and the second I should sleep with him (soooooo far from even considering doing that, though!) or something, he's going to hurt me.

I don't know. I think it's very difficult to be me, these days. And yes, that sounds horribly selfish and I know that I should be nicer to my mom (in general, not because of the alleged depression) and other people, but I just feel like I have so much on my mind that I can't really wrap my brain around anything else, right now.

Random thoughts.

- Our house is not for sale anymore. The bank wouldn't accept the new price. I don't blame them because we would lose A LOT of money and I prefer to get out of it with a big, fat ZERO on the bottom line or maybe even with money.

- My mom was pretty crushed that the bank said no, so now she's getting a kitten, instead, lol.

- I'm currently living in the apartment of a co-worker and will be until the 19th. It's awesome to be alone again, but also a bit difficult because I have to fight my own head again. I love being on my own, but I have to fight my own thoughts a lot and I'm not always successful.

- I did a thing I never thought I'd do; I asked my girlfriend to stop following and block the person I mentioned in my previous post. It's a bit naive, I know...because in all reality (no blame, just realism), they could be talking on AIM, MSN and Yahoo, not to mention pretty much everywhere else and I would never know. But I'm trying not to focus on that and just be grateful that my girlfriend actually did this for me, because it's a very big deal for me and means the world. Maybe it's just me, but it's also left a bit of awkwardness between us. I think I'm more needy than normal and maybe she's getting a bit sick of that because she doesn't seem to be. So I'm trying to back off a little and not be a drama queen when I don't get BB messages in the morning and whatnot. I don't know, like I said; I need to fight my own head a little bit because my brain can seriously come up with a lot of bullshit and I can't allow it to take over. The fact that I asked her to unfollow and block was more than enough and the rest...well, I just have to fucking deal with it and stop being so dramatic. If I don't, it'll drive us apart and I don't want to lose my best friend.

- Linkin Park is releasing their new album 'A Thousand Suns' on September 14th and for a while, I was very 'meh' about it. Didn't really give a damn, to be honest and it was depressing the fuck out of me, no bullshit. This is my favorite band, we're talking about!! I should be jumping around like a mad person that they're finally releasing another album! And yet, I was like 'Oh, September 14th? Okay.' and that was it. It was doing my head in and even more so because my best friend was really excited and couldn't really say anything to make me feel better. It got to a point where I almost got angry at her for being excited. Yes, I'm weird. Then we talked a bit back and forth and I listened to the song from their game (which I still find to be a lame idea, by the way), 'Blackbirds' and it's just...maybe it was because of my mood, but I'm not sure...a very depressing song.
Chester's voice was amazing and it became clear to me that I don't listen to them enough, when I can forget how amazing Mr. Bennington's voice really is.
Then we listened to New Divide and it put a smile on my face instantly. I'd forgotten how much I loved that song. So I promised myself that I would listen to a lot more LP over my days off and generally in my life and as I listen to Points Of Authority from Live in Texas, right now, I'm finding my love for the boys again and I'm sure that I'll be super excited by the time the album is out.
I'm not going to go to their show unless they add a date in Copenhagen, though. I've been to two shows and they're awesome, I should be willing to ride my bike to Jutland to attend, but honestly...I promised I'd take Kirsten, but I can't really wrap my brain around going to Jutland with her. She's too distracted and does everything at the last moment and that pisses me off and I don't want to be pissed off at a LP show.
I can live without going to their show, if I'm honest.

- Things at work are sucky. For the first time, I'm actually enjoying to be working with temps and there's only one reason for that; when I work with temps, I'm sure that I'll get to stay on my own floor.
I talked to my boss about this and told her that I can feel that I'll go down with stress, if we don't do something about it. I spent two days with stomach ache and barely sleeping, before I had to go to work and realized that I had to do something about it or I'll break.
That caused her to mention that maybe we should all be introduced to the other two 'departments', so we had a better knowledge of how things are there, which I think would be awesome.
Not because I'm jumping in excitement about having to work other departments than my own, but if I -have to-, then I want to know what the fuck I'm doing and not just go by instinct.
Of course, some of my co-workers thinks it's a horrible idea because they really don't want to work anything but their own department and the only comment I had to their 'I don't want to do that!!', was 'well, then come up with a different suggestion.' and that shut them up.
We'll talk about this in the fall and see if we can figure out a solution. In the meantime, I'm seriously considering finding a different job, to be honest. Only time will tell what will happen.

Pouring shit out.

I'm feeling a lot, these days. Mostly negative stuff, if I'm honest.
I feel insanely jealous of the tiniest things, I feel inferior to my friends, I feel like I should leave LPV (not that I ever could!) because I'm not really doing any good on there, anyway and Nat's the one doing everything, coming up with new ideas and writing long-assed fanfics with people.
I feel infuriated towards people who hasn't done anything to me and don't deserve my anger and I feel annoyed that I can't write anything remotely interesting.
And then there's another part of me that's like 'Pfft! You're too fucking old for this bullshit! You shouldn't give a flying fuck about long-assed fanfictions or who's writing with who or who writes what in their replies to threads on the board. And you certainly shouldn't give a fuck about fanfiction! It's not like you're that into the band, these days, anyway. You're acting like a fucking teenager and it's ridiculous!'.
And I know, it's true. I'm 33 fucking years old and should have better things to do with my time than worry about fanfiction or which teenager is annoying the crap out of me, today.
Don't get me wrong; I love my RPGs so much and I would never turn my back on them or the people I'm writing with.
But sometimes, it just seems ridiculous, you know?
According to 'standard', I should be out looking for a man to marry (*gag*) or a boyfriend, at least. The problem is...yeah, I miss having a boyfriend, sometimes....someone to cuddle up with on the couch, someone to go to the fucking zoo with or some other ridiculously romantic bullshit, like it...but on the other hand, I really can't be bothered, you know?
Getting to know someone...that takes a war...and figuring out if you're in love or not..and knowing me, I'd probably scare them off within a couple of weeks...and it just seems like too much of an effort.
I don't want to open up to someone new. I feel too much and I feel like I'm too fucking complicated, needy and annoying for anyone to actually -want- to get to know me.
I wish that someone would just walk in and blow my mind, you know? Tell me that they see through all the bullshit and tough talking and know that I'm a fucking mess...that I'm fucking scared and frustrated and that it's okay. That there's nothing wrong with feeling like that. That everyone feels like that, sometimes. That everyone feels needy and clingy and fucking insecure about every little thing, sometimes and that it's okay.
I know the real world doesn't work like that, though and I know that nothing will happen, unless I make it happen.
On the other hand, I don't want to be with someone, just to feel normal or complete, you know?
And I want to get out of this fucking fantasy I have in my head, too! Some days, I'm okay and know...this is imaginary, most likely and we're just friends and I have no issues.
Other days...most days, actually...I feel extremely possessive and needy, wanting nothing more than to be told what I need to hear...that I'm loved and that I'm....well, the only one, for lack of a better term..and then when I don't get that...I go pissy and bitchy, even if I know that I can't expect people to fucking read my mind.
Sometimes, I try to pull back and be a little distant, simply to protect myself...but then something cute happens and I'm sucked right back into the whole mess.
And yeah, I know that the mess is in my head because I think and feel too fucking much, all the time..but sometimes, it's just so difficult to get rid of, you know?
Also, I think the whole mess with grandpa is eating me more than I let on. It's not like I go around feeling bad that he's gonna die, because I'm rather okay with the fact that none of us will survive life.
I think it's more the fact that it's so stressful, right now, you know? My mom's a mess and completely stressed out, driving to see him every day, because she wants to be there, when it happens, even if I tell her that they will call us if there's any change.
I know, it'll be messy once he's gone, setting up the funeral and all that and I know that my mom's gonna need my support and that I'll give it to her.
I don't even think I'll cry when he's gone, simply because he's in so much agony right now, I know it'll be a release for him to let go of life, not to mention the fact that I've never been close to him...not even as a kid and he spend so many years of his life, being this nasty and mean man that I really didn't want to be around.
I'm trying to keep it real, but I think it's actually stressing me out a lot more than I thought it would.

Anyway, today I have work and mom's letting me borrow the car, so I don't have to leave early and come home late, so I'm happy about that.
When I go home tomorrow night, I'll have 12 days off and I'll actually have some real life things to do, which I think will be good for me.
It'll probably mean that there will be days, where I won't get on MSN...which is not necessarily a bad thing...but I'll reply to my RPGs, as much as I can. I can't just ignore those, lol.