Smoking, dating, depression, guilt and doubts.

When I leave work on Thursday night, I'm on vacation for 12 days. Now, of course I plan on doing nothing and write a lot, but I also have a few things that I want to do.

- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.

Now, lately it's been difficult living in my house...for me, at least. It actually got so bad that when I drove to the doctor's on Monday, I cried the whole ½ hour drive there.
I get very frustrated because the parental units have started smoking inside again. I could deal with them starting to smoke again, but it's very difficult to deal with them smoking in the house - especially because the no-smoking signs are still up on the doors, which I find to be very hypocritical.
This has caused me to permanently close my door to my hallway. I know, I can't avoid the smoke completely because that would mean that I was moving out, but at least I can make it less horrible in my own end by having the door shut at all times.
My mom's doctor also claims that she has a depression and has given her anti-depressants for it, which is good, I guess.
I just don't believe that she's got an actual depression - I think she could be on the verge of one and therefore he's given her the meds, but yeah.
Normally, people with depressions don't function very well and they're extremely tired all the time, sleeping a lot. Now, my mom has been tired since she stopped working, because she's got that lung disease but she functions alright and even has the energy to bitch at me and my step dad, whenever we don't dance to her tune and not many depressed people have the energy to do that - they just can't bring themselves to care enough.
Of course...my mom being my mom, she's very dramatic about it and it seems like she's expecting my stepdad and I to be nothing but fucking understanding and do whatever she demands.
Well, I'm sorry mother dearest, but that would mean that I was letting you stay in that state of mind and I'm not gonna do that, so I'm gonna treat you like I normally do and tell you when you're out of line - at least toward me.
What my stepdad does, is his business but I have a feeling that he'll explode at some point, too because she really is rather demanding and expects him to just do whatever she wants.

Can you tell that I'm annoyed with my mom, lately? Lol. I know, it's probably not -that- bad, but I'm just extremely annoyed these days (pms also playing a part, I think) and that colors my view on everything, too, of course.

I've been on two dates with Nick and he seems like a nice guy. I think the problem is that I've been single for so very long that I just don't know how to trust guys, anymore.
Of course, there's also the issue with my girl which is causing me to feel EXTREMELY guilty, whenever I see Nick.
Part of me goes 'yeah, but she's in Memphis and you are here - you need to do something for yourself and your life here and she knows this', but the other part of me is like 'yeah, but you love her and you wanna go see her...are you sure you should be doing this?'.
It's very frustrating and even though I've tried talking to my mom about the whole Nick situation, it's just not working because she's so caught up in herself, she can barely pretend to care, when I mention anything about it....which hurts, too.
I have a gut feeling that Nick could be good for me...if I could just let my guard down, which I can't seem to do.
I mean, we've only been on two dates which is nothing and certainly not enough to say that you know someone and I've had to tell him to back the fuck off a little, because he was very 'oh, I would like to kiss you or hold your hand' and I was like 'get away from me, I'm not there yet!'. Then he told me that I should tell him if I wanted him as a boyfriend, to which I said that I was so far from being anywhere near that as I could be.
Seriously, I've pushed him away because I'm scared shitless of opening up, of losing my best friend and of getting hurt and hurting my best friend....and he just accepts it.
Now, part of me thinks that it's awesome and that maybe he really does like me enough to stick around and be patient...the other part of me is completely paranoid and thinks he's just being patient to use me and the second I should sleep with him (soooooo far from even considering doing that, though!) or something, he's going to hurt me.

I don't know. I think it's very difficult to be me, these days. And yes, that sounds horribly selfish and I know that I should be nicer to my mom (in general, not because of the alleged depression) and other people, but I just feel like I have so much on my mind that I can't really wrap my brain around anything else, right now.

Random stuff.

So the past week has been rough. Like I said in my previous post, Pierre was put down last monday.
That week was horrible, to be honest. I decided to buy cigarettes, after I left the vet, which was a huge mistake, I might add.
Tuesday went alright. I smoked the last around 10am and didn't smoke for the rest of that day.
Then came wednesday and work. Man, I felt so horrible and just wanted to hide under my covers, so I bought cigarettes when I went to work.
I've pretty much been smoking since and I'm actually hating myself for it, because I had gone almost 3 months without it and the first pack I smoked tasted horribly.
Right now, I'm not making myself any promises because I will hate myself even more, if I don't keep them.
I'm going to work in a few hours and all I know, is that I won't be bringing my cigarettes to work, with me.
And I also know that I'll quit again, and before I go to the states, too.
I really have no excuse, but only the explanation that I was feeling horrible and decided to smoke because I felt sorry for myself. Lame, definitely, but nevertheless the only explanation, I've got.
My co-workers keep telling me that I shouldn't be so apologetic about smoking again, because I'm an adult and that it's my decision and I know they're right, but that doesn't make me feel any less as a failure.
But yeah, as of today, I won't be smoking at work and the rest....well, I'll see what happens and keep you updated.
I still miss my dog, but at least it's not as bad as it was last week, so that's a good thing.
And I'm starting to see the positive things about not having a dog.....as cold as that makes me sound.

On a different, but lighter note....Nat went back to Memphis, yesterday which meant, from a very selfish point of view... that I had to be on my computer without her for an entire day.
We texted each other like crazy, the entire day and that will probably cost me a fucking fortune, but that's just too bad.
Next month will be horrible, anyway, money-wise because of the huge vet-bill.
But yeah, like last year, I felt like Nat was returning home to me, which I know is complete bullshit, because d'uh, she's in Memphis and not Denmark.
But yeah, for some reason, I always feel extremely mushy when she's traveling and I'm sure that I sometimes make her wanna vomit, a little, lol.

Other than that, I've started talking to a guy from a dating site. Lol, I'm so weird. He's nice and all, but he's not a potential anything, except for friend, for now.
He's been single for 7 years and I have been for 8, so we've decided that we're not gonna talk as if we're going to date or anything, because we really don't know if we will.
We talk via texts and on MSN, but it's not something that happens every single day and that suits me fine, because the last thing I need is some clingy guy who thinks I'm his true love after 5 texts and two talks on MSN.
Also, I've already told him about my plans of going to see Nat, next year, so even if something should happen, he'll know that in advance, because I'm not canceling that trip for some random guy.
But it's cool, because he travels a lot, as well and is planning to go to Australia some time, next year, so that's pretty cool.
So yeah, things seem to be working out alright for me, right now, well apart from the smoking.

And I postponed updating because I didn't think that I had anything to say, lol.