Ranting and obsessing.

I've spend the past week (mostly days off, of course), having a cold. Isn't that awesome? Me..I never get sick...never.
And I end up with a cold that pretty much felt like it was about to take me down. I forget how awful it feels to be sick and then when I do get sick like...once a year or whatever, I feel like I'm on the brink of death.
Now, I've called in sick yesterday and today, simply because I didn't feel 100%. Right now...I still don't. My nose is stuffy and my neck is sore, but I still think that I'm gonna go to work tomorrow.
Simply because it drives me a little crazy when I stay home for too long and I start obsessing about things...tiny, little, itty bitty things that should not be that big of a deal.
Like the following.

I become sad when I feel like I'm left out. Even with small things like a headache or whatever. It saddens me that it doesn't seem important enough to tell me...or that I'm not important enough to tell.
I hate it, but it disappoints me to no end, when there's not a message there in the morning. I kinda feel like I just don't matter.
I definitely feel disconnected and I don't think it's just about ATS, either. Maybe it's the age difference setting in?
That scares the crap out of me, to be honest. Mostly because I don't want it to. God, I'm so co-dependent and it bugs the hell out of me.

And I really don't care all that much about Linkin Park, anymore, either. I see all these sites put up interviews and whatnot on Twitter...and I just ignore it and sometimes get a little bit annoyed because I just don't care.
It's not that I don't want to watch the boys being interviewed, but I think that if I hear one more time that ATS is suuuuuuch an amazing album or how awesome the boys are for going out of their comfort zone or whatever, I think I might cry tears of frustration.
People are definitely entitled to their opinion and all and I respect that...but man, it just gets a little old when you've heard how fucking brilliant it is and how amazing and yada yada yada, for the millionth time, especially when you don't feel the same about it.
I've only listened to the damned thing twice, but honestly....I really don't have the urge to listen to it again.
I will, but I really don't feel like doing it. And I know I'm gonna skip a lot. Mike may say that you have to listen to the album from start to finish and bla bla, but honestly...I just can't be bothered and I tried that already and it just didn't do anything for me...at all. I was just waiting for it to be over, already.
All the non-songs are bugging the crap out of me and I know I'll skip them...much like Give Me Your Name by DBS, I probably won't give them a third listen, at all.
It bothers me that I -know- that there are A LOT of things that I'm not told or that is changed to be something safe, like on that horrible video from the other day.
I don't understand that. Yeah, I do it when my reply seems too bitchy or whatever but other than that...what's the worst that can happen? That you're honest and figure out that the world didn't implode.
It makes me sad, when people refer to me as a friend or sometimes, even best friend and still don't share things with me. I get that some things may seem to be/are irrelevant or just those every day things that don't seem important...but personal things...are you not supposed to share those with your best friend? I thought so.

Smoking, dating, depression, guilt and doubts.

When I leave work on Thursday night, I'm on vacation for 12 days. Now, of course I plan on doing nothing and write a lot, but I also have a few things that I want to do.

- Exercise (zumba and whatnot).
- Pride Parade on Saturday (21st).
- Meeting Nick for coffee on Sunday and maybe go to dinner at his place or something, some other day.
- Help my mom with weeds in the garden (because I just promised her a few minutes ago, lol).
- Finally finish organizing my bedroom and living room and clean them.
- Maybe have Nick for a visit.

Now, lately it's been difficult living in my house...for me, at least. It actually got so bad that when I drove to the doctor's on Monday, I cried the whole ½ hour drive there.
I get very frustrated because the parental units have started smoking inside again. I could deal with them starting to smoke again, but it's very difficult to deal with them smoking in the house - especially because the no-smoking signs are still up on the doors, which I find to be very hypocritical.
This has caused me to permanently close my door to my hallway. I know, I can't avoid the smoke completely because that would mean that I was moving out, but at least I can make it less horrible in my own end by having the door shut at all times.
My mom's doctor also claims that she has a depression and has given her anti-depressants for it, which is good, I guess.
I just don't believe that she's got an actual depression - I think she could be on the verge of one and therefore he's given her the meds, but yeah.
Normally, people with depressions don't function very well and they're extremely tired all the time, sleeping a lot. Now, my mom has been tired since she stopped working, because she's got that lung disease but she functions alright and even has the energy to bitch at me and my step dad, whenever we don't dance to her tune and not many depressed people have the energy to do that - they just can't bring themselves to care enough.
Of course...my mom being my mom, she's very dramatic about it and it seems like she's expecting my stepdad and I to be nothing but fucking understanding and do whatever she demands.
Well, I'm sorry mother dearest, but that would mean that I was letting you stay in that state of mind and I'm not gonna do that, so I'm gonna treat you like I normally do and tell you when you're out of line - at least toward me.
What my stepdad does, is his business but I have a feeling that he'll explode at some point, too because she really is rather demanding and expects him to just do whatever she wants.

Can you tell that I'm annoyed with my mom, lately? Lol. I know, it's probably not -that- bad, but I'm just extremely annoyed these days (pms also playing a part, I think) and that colors my view on everything, too, of course.

I've been on two dates with Nick and he seems like a nice guy. I think the problem is that I've been single for so very long that I just don't know how to trust guys, anymore.
Of course, there's also the issue with my girl which is causing me to feel EXTREMELY guilty, whenever I see Nick.
Part of me goes 'yeah, but she's in Memphis and you are here - you need to do something for yourself and your life here and she knows this', but the other part of me is like 'yeah, but you love her and you wanna go see her...are you sure you should be doing this?'.
It's very frustrating and even though I've tried talking to my mom about the whole Nick situation, it's just not working because she's so caught up in herself, she can barely pretend to care, when I mention anything about it....which hurts, too.
I have a gut feeling that Nick could be good for me...if I could just let my guard down, which I can't seem to do.
I mean, we've only been on two dates which is nothing and certainly not enough to say that you know someone and I've had to tell him to back the fuck off a little, because he was very 'oh, I would like to kiss you or hold your hand' and I was like 'get away from me, I'm not there yet!'. Then he told me that I should tell him if I wanted him as a boyfriend, to which I said that I was so far from being anywhere near that as I could be.
Seriously, I've pushed him away because I'm scared shitless of opening up, of losing my best friend and of getting hurt and hurting my best friend....and he just accepts it.
Now, part of me thinks that it's awesome and that maybe he really does like me enough to stick around and be patient...the other part of me is completely paranoid and thinks he's just being patient to use me and the second I should sleep with him (soooooo far from even considering doing that, though!) or something, he's going to hurt me.

I don't know. I think it's very difficult to be me, these days. And yes, that sounds horribly selfish and I know that I should be nicer to my mom (in general, not because of the alleged depression) and other people, but I just feel like I have so much on my mind that I can't really wrap my brain around anything else, right now.

Three weeks later....

So I've been living in my co-worker's apartment for the past three weeks and it's been an experience.
First of all; everyone who knows me, knows that I'm not one who cleans and vacuums and whatnot every week or even every month. But entering this apartment was mind blowing. Especially, because my co-worker was -really- excited and said 'can you tell that I've cleaned like crazy for you?'. I couldn't. Not at all. In fact it looks like she hasn't cleaned in years.
I'm not bullshitting you. The first thing I did, was vacuum the entire (tiny, one bedroom) apartment, just so I didn't have to wear shoes inside.
I also washed some of the windows...though only on the outside and I'm telling you...the water was brown. Seriously; dark brown like my natural hair color. It was gross.
Not only that, but the first time I had to shower, I had to continuously move the shower head around just to get wet. Water wasn't pouring down, but more like to all sides from the shower head. So that caused me to soak it in vinegar for 24 hours or so. That helped.
I didn't take anything out of any cabinet in the kitchen and use it, before washing it. Everything is so dirty, man.
Seriously, this co-worker claims to have dust allergies. Well, I'm claiming that she can stuff that up her ass because anyone who can live in all of this filth, does not have dust allergies. Not even dust intolerant. Seriously, it's gross.

Then there's the tale of the hot water...or lack of same...well, lack of pressure, anyway. Seriously, I can't wait to go home to take a REAL shower, where there's actually pressure on the water.
Here, it's like...you turn on the hot water and then barely touch the cold one...and the water seriously looks like it can't really be bothered coming out of the tap/shower head, but if you insist...
I could not live like this every day, all the time. I would go crazy!

So why did I stay for 3 weeks? Because both me and my parents needed it. We needed the space. Now...I can't wait to go home on Monday morning. I told my mom to pick me up at 9am, simply because I. WANT. TO. GO. HOME!

I can't say that I'll never stay here again, because it's been nice with a break, but I'll still be amazed how someone can live in a place this filthy. It seriously boggles my mind.

....my laptop needs to be dusted, as well, lol.

Bitching

So I’m very annoyed these days. My mom is annoying the crap out of me with all her illness and shit, man.

Yeah, she was told that she needs a new hip. I get that, that’s fair enough and I know she’s in pain and has been for a long time, now. But suddenly, after she was told that she needs a new hip….the pain is soooooo much worse and almost unbearable? I know it hurts, but come on. It can’t magically become worse after five minutes of talking to your doctor.

I don’t know. I work as a social health care worker and to be honest, I get enough illness when I’m at work and I’m just sick of hearing about people and whatever illnesses they have. I don’t need it when I get home and I don’t need people to ramble on and on.

Yeah, I talk about it, too, if I have some sort of disorder or sickness. Whatever…but my mom pretty much makes it into a contest or so it feels and it drives me up the walls.

I can’t wait to get my own place and then I don’t have to feel like I’m at work all the time. Enough with the sick people, already! Find something else to focus on, man!

And yes, this also means that I have a couple of people on Twitter that are driving me mad. Not because of their rambling about illnesses or anything like that, but because of their endless hyper moods, man and their excessive tweeting about Mike Shinoda and how awesome he is.

Yes, thank you. We are fans too and we know how awesome the man is. Doesn’t mean that we have the need to randomly tweet his name all the time.

It -is- possible to be a fan without going on and on about whomever you’re a fan of, you know.

Okay, one of these people, I actually have no trouble un-following because we don’t really talk or whatever…and I don’t really care about her, to be honest and I know that she doesn‘t care about me, even if she‘ll deny it in the name of being nice and oh-so-fucking-positive.

But the other one…even if we’re not close friends…I do consider her a friend…or acquaintance, at least and she’s actually a sweet girl who never did anything to me….except from being insanely hyper and overly obsessed with Mike Shinoda.

Knowing me, I’ll probably end up getting so annoyed that I’ll un-follow both of them and I know that’s okay. I have no problem with people un-following me or anything, but it just kind of sucks when you’ve enjoyed following someone for a while and then that just stops.

And I lost someone, I thought was a friend, today. Brian. I don’t know why I thought he was a friend, though. He’s always been sarcastic and semi-nasty to me ever since I got on SOY. I guess, he and Kerrie are more perfect for each other than I originally thought, huh?


Anyway, we were having an amusing discussion about movies today and trust me…we do not like the same movies -at all-, but it was all fun and games.

He was making some comment about me liking Transformers so I shouldn’t be allowed to have an opinion on movies in the first place and it was all fun and games. I commented on Donnie Darko, which I hate and this Bobby person made some comment about holding his tongue so he wouldn’t comment on that and everything just escalated from there, ending up with Brian saying that I deleted him from my Facebook (which I did, yes) and if the others had anyone seen anyone be that sensitive about Transformers.

Yes, I know that was just Brian being Brian again, but seriously…it just fucking hurt. And like I said to Brian on Twitter a few minutes ago; it may not have meant anything to me tomorrow, but today it hurt.

I’ve always liked Brian a lot. Maybe more than I should have, even, but his inability to be serious…or maybe my inability to tell when he’s serious and when he’s not, has always been difficult for me. And I’ve always despised him when he was busy ‘being cute’ or whatthefuckever they wanted to call it, with Kerrie.

Today, I just had enough. Yeah, he and Bobby may not have meant it in a bad way or tried to hurt my feelings, but the fact that they continued to mock me after I removed myself from the discussion only makes me think that he’s lying through his teeth when he says they weren’t being malicious.

Maybe his interpretation of ‘malicious’ and mine just aren’t the same, huh?

Ramblings

I'm so sick of hearing about Haiti!
Yes, I know it's not very PC to say that, but really...yes, we get that it's a horrible, horrible disaster and that they need money and help and all that. We get it!
I mean, even here...you cannot turn on the radio to listen to 'entertainment', without Haiti being mentioned at least once. Just give it a rest, already!
I'm not saying that everyone should just shut up about it, entirely because really, they do need our help which is why I posted the whole Download to Donate thing, on here, as well...but maybe we don't have to mention it -all the fucking time-, like...constantly?!
I've been close to abandoning Twitter, entirely, man because all people do is ReTweet about Haiti in one way or another. It's like, people suddenly don't have anything to say anymore.
Either they link to DtD or some other 'give us money to send to Haiti'-thing or they ReTweet whenever someone famous or semi-famous mentions Haiti and I'm just sick of it.
I mean like...I follow LPU and MFR and I see their tweets about Haiti and whatnot...I don't need most of my in-the-area-of-60 friends on there to retweet and retweet, so I get the same message 393848392290 times, man! I may be dense, but not -that- dense.
And yes, I now that they have other followers than me and they might not follow MFR and LPU and-we-need-to-get-the-word-out!!!, but chances are that...if people follow them, they're probably following many of the same things that they are.
I know...I should just ignore it and leave it alone...and I do...but I just needed to vent about it, because it's so piss-annoying, it makes me wanna pull my hair out, man.

Other than that...I'm going on some course, today. I hope it won't be so I-wanna-kill-myself-boring as I'm dreading it to be.
Tomorrow, I'll get up at crap o'clock (read: 7am), to go get my blood drawn so I can finally figure out if I have some sort of allergy or not.
Either way, I'm going to buy a allergy nosespray, after I'm done at the doctors and see if it helps, because I'm sick and tired of feeling like I might be coming down with a cold, any day now.
I don't know if Illona will come to work, this weekend because they have some supervision thing tomorrow and I don't know how she'll feel after that.
I do hope that she'll show up, though, because I don't want to be dealing with a temp all weekend.

I live!

It's not that I'm really in a blogging kind of mood. I guess I was always a random blogger-person. It's not like I do it on a regular basis, but I figured it was time to show that I'm still alive and kicking.
It's not that anything exciting has happened, but still a few things bothers me.
Most of all my job...no, more specifically my partner on wednesdays and thursdays.
She's been late two wednesdays in a row, to the point of me calling her to wake her up and it's pissing me the hell off. I think being late once in a while is okay...I mean, shit happens and all, but twice in a row? I find it to be unprofessional and disrespectful towards your co-workers.
Not only that, but then when she shows up, she's all lazy and has the whole oh-I'm-so-tired-and-I-don't-feel-like-being-here attitude and that pisses me off, as well.
Yeah, I don't always feel like being at work, either, but there's a difference between saying it and then getting up to do your job and saying it and me having to pretty much kick her ass into gear.
Not to mention..she said that it's because of her illness and the medication she gets, that she suffers from insomnia...okay, well then go to your doctor and do something about it.
No, instead she tells me that -her mother- will call her special doctor, while she is in New York and figure out what they can do about it because 'I wouldn't get around to do it, anyway'.
Man, I just wanted to freak the fuck out on her and go 'You're 30 fucking years old, woman! Get a fucking grip, grow up and do it yourself!'.
I mean, seriously...I'm a spoiled brat and my mom does a lot of things for me, but if I was having problems with my diabetes, I'd figure it out myself and not let my mother call for me. I mean..what the fuck?!
We work at night, which should make it so that you don't oversleep, no matter what.
I told my boss this and a lot of other things that annoy me about her and she was like 'yeah, well, let's see how it goes when she gets home from New York and deal with it, then.'.
I'm like...okay, that does make sense, but it doesn't seem like my boss is taking me seriously so I told her that if it doesn't get better, I will have to switch to dayshift or something, because I cannot deal with stuff like this in the long run.
I don't want to be a fucking nanny for the person, I'm working with. I'm not her mother and I don't want to deal with things for her.
So I've been thinking a lot about this, while I had my 5 days off and I realized...I do the same with Illona.
No, I'm not late and I do my job...but I tend to let her take over when the shit hits the fan, so to speak and we talked about that, last night and I promised her that I'll step up and do better, because man, it's annoying when people do that.
I still have a good week, before my other partner comes back and next week, I have an extra shift on friday night, so I guess I just have to try and calm down before wednesday, the week after next.

I think that's what takes up most of my line of thought, lately.
Nat and I started a new RPG and I have to say that I'm loving it. I get to play Chester, Crown Prince of England, lol. It's so awesome!

My love for LP is on a low, these days. I'm just not excited about anything concerning them...not even LPU9. I mean, yeah, I'll upgrade one of these days, but really...I can't be bothered to be excited.
About DBS...I'm just...I mean, I love some of the songs and all, but I don't really care about what they do, when they do it and why they do it, if I'm honest.
There's been a lot of bullshit with Chester and I still find him to be an asshole, most of the time. Sure, when he's out with LP, it seems like Mike and the guys have a leash on him and he behaves alright, but with Ryan Shuck...damn, he morphs into an ass and a teenage-like one, at that.
I'm past being angry with him, though. It's just who he is/becomes and I guess he's got a need to be like that...because he's insecure? Maybe, I don't know.
I've gotten to the point where I just don't really give a damn. I don't watch interviews with DBS or get excited about...well, really anything involving Chester.
Sure, I still find him hot and all that, but I really just want him to shut his mouth, so he can sit there and look hot, because when he opens his mouth, I either cringe at how dorky and immature he seems or want to slap him because he talks crap. He should just stick to singing because that's what he's good at.